Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

I have about 5-7 of friends who have done this in the ME but mostly women (teachers and nurses). They left their kids (but they get a travel allowance to return or have their whole family over each holiday!). They all got used to it and did lots with the extra money they earned and saved.

I’m surprised he wants to do it, it must be a lot of money. Or is it vocational? What is his motivation? What has he said about leaving his family?

I guess you will need to set up video call routines and regularly holidays where you meet up half way?

Hi OP , it’s worth checking that the company will pay the rent for the whole 2 years and not just the first year / 6 months. A Friend of mine got stung that way and the rents are huge when you have to take them on. They didn’t end up saving money .

Are your kids happy with the situation? Presumably you will all visit in the holidays etc?

my dad went abroad when I was young (younger than your kids) for similar reasons. It was a huge financial help but I hated it because I was very close to my dad

are you absolutely sure that the maths makes sense for him to go for just two years? I think 2 years is just about ok in this scenario

A lot of expats move abroad for “two years” and stay much longer. How did this come about? Did he apply for a job in Dubai and get it, or is a role he’s currently doing moving there?

You earn a lot of money out there but moving backwards in salary is hard, lots of expats feel trapped as they can’t imagine managing on their old salary

If you plan meet ups regularly then it won't be that different to people with partners in the forces or offshore workers really. Not to say it's easy however as it really isn't. Is the risk to your marriage and happiness for the two years really worth it for the money is the question.

Not the sand but my dh did 2 weeks at home, 2 weeks in the ME for a year. It was hard and the travelling took its toll snd the dc really missed him. He missed us. He gave it up and took a pay cut. I wouldn't do want my dh to do it unless there was no other option. Your dc age are tricky, they might be more independent but ime they really need their parents there for emotional support.

I found it easier when DH was away. The routines were much clearer and less changeable, one less person to accommodate in all the planning. Just make sure you and the kids are a team, rather than it having been kids v parents.

Start making the children do more around the house so you won't have to do it all

Why did he even apply for this?
It wouldn't be for me, I'm more of a "what is money actually for/you can't take it with you/family first" kind of person, is that you if you are not happy about it? I don't mean that to sound judgemental, just to demonstrate that everyone is different. It is each to their own, I know lots of people make this work if they can all keep their eyes firmly on the benefits. First holiday booked before he even leaves and regular video calls will ease it a bit I imagine?

Bank the extra salary and don't start relying on it or he'll end up staying longer.

What happens if you change while he’s away and you don’t want him back? That’s another scenario here!

If it’s just to pay a mortgage faster, it’s a lot of risk and disruption for a family and a couple

If he has a decent job in the UK, and hasn’t been unemployed for a long time, then I can’t imagine why you’d do this and loose the last few years as a family. Within 5 years all/most of your kids will have left home and the time with your family as a big unit will be over. he wants to give up that?

Has he fully understood the minutiae of what he will get paid, if rent is covered for the whole period, flights back and forth and so on?

You don’t have to do it all at home. Yes you need to do the washing and cleaning but the wash load will have reduced by a quarter. He can still contribute by sorting out lots of admin like house insurance renewal, car insurance etc. He can even order the weekly shop to be delivered if you so desire! Managing a household without him surely won’t be that different to now.

I think more the issue will be the moral and emotional support. You will need to arrange times you can FaceTime and ensure you are keeping up closely with each others lives and for him the kids too.

can you holiday to see him regularly, or meet elsewhere/him come home?

if this makes you mortgage free and comfortable for a long time, and you are able to prioritise each other then I think it’s a sensible choice.

it is little different to the army etc but is for the families wider benefit

My dad did this in the eighties. It allowed my parents to pay off their mortgage and retire when they wanted.

I personally think its a huge risk. Money isnt everything, but the people who you love are. You have admitted that you will feel resentment at having to do everything back home, while he just has himself to take care of. That resentment won't be healthy for your marriage and manifest in bad feeling, arguments, anxieties. Is this job worth the risk to your relationship?

My sister's husband is in the military, and she soon found it much harder when he's home than when he's on deployment. You'll probably be surprised at how much easier life is without him, and yes, that does become a threat to the marriage too.

I had friends in this situation. He went to Dubai initially for a year to earn sufficient to pay off the house in the uk and improve family life etc. After a year, another job came up in Quatar and he made the decision to repeat another year for the money. That year became two years, then another 6 months in Bahrain.....and so on.
He became addicted to the salary, the weather and the lifestyle and she became more independent as the years went by. She and their kids got used to life without him there and they eventually went their separate ways.
He is now in Abu Dhabi.

Oh my god don't do it! What an awful idea!
You realise your relationship will suffer but so will his relationship with the kids during some really critical years for them?
If you have a loving family unit, it is an incredibly precious thing, and not something to be taken for granted or risked.
DO NOT DO IT.

I deleted my post as full of typos 😩

Use some of the extra money to pay for household help for you.

Do not let him opt out of all family discussions and admin, just because he is not physically there..

Ensure he is there for lots of family discussions - covid showed us what is possible - have him join family chats with everyone, play games together, have him join you at meals maybe?
Ensure that some of the extra salary is paid into your pension / savings... even if nothing comes of it - it is a demonstration that your input counts!

What @HongKongFinish said. So not worth the risk your family

I think you are both massively underestimating the value of family and your marriage.