Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

Why is he going?

This arrangement wouldn't work for me . It would be all of us or none of us

There must be a huge financial gain to this decision

Yep, my exDP went to work in the ME and it broke us. Or rather him using sex workers and having an affair did. It was, apparently, depressingly common.

It's more usual MN reaction and obsession about any subject turning into CHEATING REDFLAG that makes me laugh.

Either you trust someone or you don't. If the only way to keep a partner faithful is to keep them on a lead in your sight, at best you have a deep relationship problem, at worst it's controlling and abusive.

I've been married twice. First marriage ended in divorce, he never worked away. Second marriage is 40 years and still going, he worked away for 2 years.

It doesn't have to mean divorce, not working away doesn't mean you won't get divorced.

We did a number of international moves as a family and always met people doing what you plan. As this is financially motivated and not without risk the most important thing is to be absolutely certain about the figures.

Some things you may or may not be aware of:

• you have to live outside the UK for one complete tax year (6th April- 5th April) in order to be non resident for tax purposes. Depending on specific dates of expat and repat that can mean being away for a year and a day or 1 day short of two years. Without meeting that criteria all worldwide income is taxable in the UK.

• pay close attention to the amount of time DH spends in the UK. Read all the rules on HMRC re residency. Automatic tax residency is 183 days in the Uk but you can't spend anywhere near that amount of time in the UK without being tax resident.

• what are the relocation/notice terms? We came across someone who didn't pass their probation, had to pay back their relocation and pay tax in the UK on what little they had earned because they didn't meet point 1 above.

• when non UK resident things like insurance, driving licence, access to NHS are all affected. For these purposes you need to be resident in the UK for 183 days or more per year to be UK resident. Once non resident all of the above becomes a problem. Can't drive on a UK licence in the UK when not resident, can't access anything other than A&E on the NHS, many insurance policies have to change.

It pays to have your eyes open when sacrificing in one area to gain in another.

I'd do it if you can manage the kids on your own. If you don't already have one, get a cleaner and try to get in as much help as possible. Also plan to see each other in person at least every 3 months. The Middle East is only a 7 hour flight away.

I know families where the wife followed the husband. Kids went to boarding school, because that's another option.

Again, it's individual and it doesn't work for everyone.

I would say that living in pretty much a hotel can be not as exciting as what people who haven't done it think it is. Even if people make efforts to join the gym, and do a lot to occupy their free time, it's not "home" and it's not the holiday of a lifetime.

I understand the point you were making: that cheating can happen anywhere.
I just don't think people cheating on their partners in the lunch hour is funny on any level.

I think this is sensible.

Not had any experience with a spouse doing this, but my father worked away for long periods at a time when I was growing up, all pre internet so no possibility of FaceTime or anything. It definitely made me more responsible as a teenager - for example, if I needed a packed lunch I made one, if I needed a lift somewhere I organised one with a friend. In hindsight there were a few difficult moments when my father came back because teenagers change quite fast, so he would come back and either treat us the same way he had done six months or a year ago (or more!) which annoyed us, or veer off in the other direction and treat us like adults, which ramped up the expectations on us. And of course even when he was back, my mother was default parent, which I think did upset him a bit although he didn't show it. Having said that though, they remained happily married and we have good relationships as adults, so it is possible.

As one who lived there with my DH , this was a very common outcome among the expats we knew.

Too much time apart, life as an expat very easy for the spouse in Dubai. Sometimes it was unchecked alcohol consumption, and not cheating, sometimes one spouse was homesick and left the other behind ‘ for a few months’.

I travelled a lot for work as did my DH, and it can be a lonely existence, for both partners.

With teenagers, it’s much harder to move for two years, so I get why you would consider this option. Be prepared to make a lot of effort keep in touch with your DH, including visiting Dubai for holidays.

I will add though, for balance, some of my experience.

My parents did this when I was around 8 or 9 years old. My dad worked in the middle east for the extra money and came up every few months for a few weeks.

I felt like I had a very comfortable relationship with him before he went, but afterwards he felt like a stranger to me. I didn't really want to spend any alone time with him even to the point where I'd leave a room if someone else wasn't also in it. And I had that sense all through my teenage years and twenties. Wasn't great, but my parents needed the extra income so I get it.

There is no amount of money for which I'd be prepared to live apart from my husband.

We did this pre kids - DH spent two years in the US and I stayed here rather than give up my career. It allowed us to buy our house and meant that DH came back to a permanent job relatively early in his career (academia). Every three months one of us went to visit the other and I took some unpaid leave in the middle and went out for a month.

Very different with kids, obviously.

Ten years on and it seems like it went in the blink of an eye. We've never regretted it for a second. We'd done long distance before so we knew we could.

Make sure the teens know that he's doing this for family finances and that they will benefit from that - uni/deposit/holidays/whatever your plan for them is. They need to be on board to pull their weight at home.

If your DH isn't a good texter he needs to get better now - WhatsApp and group chats are brilliant for this and he won't feel as far away if he's engaging in the daily chit chat. You can all watch a TV series at the same time or whatever.

Hi OP, yes I had to move to Dubai for work and my husband stayed in the UK. I lasted just over 2.5 years before coming home.
This was before we had children so perhaps different but the thing that made it work for us was factoring in the cost of frequent visits. We made those visits feel like mini breaks, we travelled around the region - lots of trips to Oman and other places in UAE and then the same when back in the UK - it just made our time good quality, rather than being distracted with other life stuff.
Catching up on the phone was sometimes difficult with the time difference and different working days as we were working long hours. I remember at times feeling a bit resentful.
Dubai can be a lonely place, but there are lots of groups on Meetup that he may enjoy - such as wadi hiking etc.
It’s not always easy but it sounds like there is a bigger picture for your family. If you can focus this period on picking up something you’d enjoy in the time you’d normally spend with him it may help to sweeten it for you too.

Thanks for all the input.
A lot of good points, some that I haven't thought of.
A bit more information.
We'd be doing it to pay off the mortgage and put some money aside for retirement.
DH works long hours in the city anyway and travels abroad often already but I will miss him being around evenings and weekends.
The kids are definitely more reliant on me than him, and say they are okay with him going. They can be relied to help around the house, but do require prompting.
We already have a cleaner, dog walker for when I'm at work, and a gardener.
We have this year's family holiday booked, and another for just the two of us at the end of the year, and would try and see each other every couple of months or so.
He's always wanted to try living abroad, which is something I've already done, so I feel like this is allowing him to fulfill a dream at a time of our lives where the kids are less dependent ( no big exams) but are still at home.

It did have something to do with it. Because a. I wasn’t there b. Sex workers were available 24/7 there, on tap, often provided by the company c. Everyone else was doing it

But yes, I don’t disagree with your assessment of him at all.

I think that it's completely doable but I would definitely be wanting to make sure the package makes it more like someone in the forces/merchant navy/oil industry - so trips back home (or to a third venue) with the costs covered by the company (or the salary is so huge it doesn't matter) etc on a regular basis. I have no idea of the tax implications but ideally, i'd expect your DH to be back regularly for a week at a time, particularly around key family events.

There is a risk that you become distant from each other, yes, but that's true of anyone in these sort of relationships. My parents were married for 50 years, even though he was in the navy for the first 10 years of their relationship and marriage - they made it work.

Or you know, do. Don't make important life decisions because randoms on the internet shout no.

My BIL did this. Worked great. Facetimed home every single day, visits each direction, he was still very involved with everything. Came home after two years with lots of money and everyone was very happy.

Just make sure you are very clear with him that there are deal breakers attached, that if he is unfaithful in any way, including paying for sex, it's over, and that if he doesn't come home after two years it's over. You can see from the testimony here that those two thinks are huge risks in this situation.

What a way to break the bond with your kids. Get a better job in the UK.

I guess an issue could be that a DH disrupts life so much when he gets back, that there is a possibility a DW doesn’t want him back permanently at all.

It would not be for me unless you are struggling to make a living here. Money is not everything. But since you have already decided the best you could do if you go there or he come home more often. Hopefully the salary is high enough to allow this and save

My teenage DC would be devastated if their dad effectively moved out for two years. Their childhood is so short.

Money is generally really good. You get a lot of added benefited too like we had return flights twice a year to our home country and our own driver to take us wherever. They also paid our accommodation and food within work hours. I used to live there and absolutely loved it.