Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

No way we could do this. Although we're not in each other's pockets by any means, DH and I go out a lot together and it would be strange if when meeting up with our close circle of friends, I was always on my own with other couples.

However for us, the main reason would be that DH (and all his family) are rubbish at messaging and phone calls. One line whatsapp messages, short phone calls, facetimes...?! We'd really struggle and I could see that after a couple of months, we'd have barely communicated, waiting to catch up when we saw each other which isn't great for a marriage.

Lol at a Dubai package paying for monthly business class flights to the UK! Plus getting the employer to pay for that over higher salary completely defeats the point if the purpose is to save.

Plus that plus wife and kids, and home in the UK plus any holiday at all in the UK leads to a high risk of UK tax residency.

Travelling a lot for work is entirely different to someone moving abroad for work.

Plus I have close friends in the military who h required long periods of time away for work in one place. Cheating is very very common unless they are somewhere where it wasn't an option/would have led to job loss by if caught. Ultimately it all depends on the culture of the people that the travelling partner is hanging out with.

Do you actually need the money? As in, are you in hardship without it?
It certainly wouldn’t be for me (or DH), unless we were really struggling, which it doesn’t sound like you are?

not really, how else do you describe demanding to keep an eye on your partner at all time? (I am not talking about the OP, I am talking about the outraged posters on this thread who don't look further than HE WILL CHEAT).

I am not saying that people don't cheat by the way, but that it's disingenuous to pretend they wouldn't be cheating if they were local.

It's also painfully sad if you believe your partner might be faithful, but only because he doesn't have a chance to cheat. Bar is dangerously low.

Honestly, be careful. I lived in Dubai and there are lots of people with similar arrangements, and a LOT of affairs. Fidelity is very much seen as optional if the spouse is back home.

Also it's a soulless place built on the back of slavery (in all but name) so there's that too.

You're right cheats cheat whenever they get the opportunity. The thing is there is plenty of opportunity as the lifestyle seems to be almost accepting of the cliche expat Western married man having plenty of flings.

So even people who probably wouldn't at home are tempted when they are living a bachelor lifestyle.

You are playing with fire doing this. You may grow apart, he may not want to come back, or you may not want him to come back. He may be trustworthy, but the hundreds of women over there who will happily take him off your hands, are not. I see why it is tempting but know that you are taking a huge risk with your relationship and family life.

myplace I hear you. The home dynamic is different, not better or worse, necessarily, just different. One less person to accommodate can be freeing

We have done this and I know many many couples who have.

I don't think it will work with your attitude. It wouldn't (just) be you having to do everything. It would be you getting to live family life while he has to miss out for the money. Would you be willing to not see your kids?

If you really think you'll get resentful after you together decide what's good for the family, you should probably not do it. That's fine, it's not for everyone.

Personally I'd rather live in a tent than have my DH leave the family for 2 years & not because I don't trust him. I just know we would miss him far too much to make it worthwhile. I would also be afraid he would enjoy the lifestyle & the money to the point he found it difficult to live back in the UK. It's a huge gamble I wouldn't be willing to take regardless of financial gain. The lack of day to day support in home life & missing out on precious years with the children would also contribute to my lack of support for this suggestion.

I have huge respect for military families. They have been used to an alternative lifestyle since the beginning although it still doesn't make it easy to cope with. The difference is they are a close community all in the same situation & they support each other.

All the best OP whatever happens. It's helpful to read the various opinions here but ultimately it's up to you & your family.

When I lived in the UK I of course knew people who cheated or were cheated on, and of course you heard about these things. What we're talking about is different. It's a level of social acceptance that is hard to believe unless you've lived it. Examples I have personally experienced:

(1) Married boss bringing wife to work social event when she was in town and mistress when wife was in the UK. Note no one else brought a partner
(2) One of DH's colleagues bringing his girlfriend to a work social event I was at, and telling everyone at work he and his wife in the UK were in an agreed open relationship (spoiler - wife wasn't aware of this)
(3) One of DH's colleagues lying to his wife that he wasn't legally allowed to rent a villa so that she decided to live in the UK (I don't actually know he cheated - maybe he just didn't want to be around her)
(4) A guy meeting a prostitute and marrying her. I was invited to the wedding celebration. It was not a true love story.
(5) Multiple guys in their 50s/60s in relationships with women in their 20s.

These are examples I know with certainty, not just rumour ie situations where the parties are open with those around them in what they're doing. To be fair 4 and 5 aren't cheating situations but to be clear in 4 the man was open that he had been paying a women for sex and decided to marry her as it made financial sense. And no one around cares because it's seen as normal. I have multiple examples where the couple have ended up splitting and I don't know for sure why. I also know a situation where the woman worked away and she was the one who cheated.

The issues aren't only cheating of course - the resentment that can build up is massive. But people absolutely do cheat in this situation when they wouldn't at home because it's socially acceptable and in reality the partner is unlikely to ever find out.

It sounds like this can work for you. It's short term sacrifice for long-term financial security. Sounds like you trust each other and could cope logistically.
You would need to be clear - it is definitely 2 years, no chance of extending. And will he have a UK job to come back to for sure?

It really depends on the salary, if it's £££ then employer's package or not, the dh should factor in a monthly trip home. It's only going to work if part of this mega salary goes on flights for him and for the family to visit.

We are not in the UK, so tax residency rules are different here.

I did most of the child rearing anyway, as he travelled quite a lot for work, however I had lots of help with the practicalities. We were expats for years as a family, but that gets harder as the kids get older.

The hard part of child rearing is over now, however the teenage years bring different challenges for sure, they do zoom and teams calls (WhatsApp video and FaceTime are not available in UAE), they all miss each other, but they probably talk to him as much as they talk to me now that they are teens. Our time together is good quality family time and he does an annual trip with each of the kids one on one.

Our situation is not unique, my youngest teen (International school) has three friends where one of the parents is commuting, and we have quite a few friends in Dubai who commute back and forth from Saudi or elsewhere.

Of course, we would love to all be living under the one roof permanently, but we have decided not to disrupt the kids education and their social connections at this crucial stage for them. The reality is when you hit your fifties, it's not as easy to job hop to suit your family circumstances, so this is a compromise we have had to make.

Back and forth between Saudi and Dubai is doable - in that situation the husband doesn't actually have a life in Saudi. It's just the same as someone who works away in (eg) London during the week and comes home at weekends.

I'm glad it works for you and I appreciate there are situations where you might feel there isn't really another option like for children's education. But if you've also lived this, you also know that the vast majority of the time it doesn't work unless it is definitely temporary and the family ends up all moving, or the partner returns 'home'.

I'm an expat brat - exactly the same thing happened in the Asian country I grew up in.

My Dad did this. He worked in the concrete industry, was made redundant and couldn't find a job anywhere in the UK. I was in Uni, so there were still 4 kids at home. 17, 15, 12, and 6. I remember it did cause trouble calculating my loan/maintenance grant at some point.

He spent the best part of a decade over there until he was forced into retirement due to his age. COVID happened shortly afterwards, so somewhat a silver lining. He's since managed to find a job in the UK.

Naturally Mum and Dad haven't said a word as to if there was cheating, but they're still together, so either she's looked past it, or there wasn't any. He came back most school holidays, and Mum and the two youngest went out to see him once or twice a year. Relationship wise.... Well I guess we are all a bit more distant with him, but then he's always been a solitary kind of guy. We know we can rely on him to help us, so it's not completely diminished.

Won't lie, the money absolutely saved Mum and my siblings from losing the house, bankruptcy, and a lifetime of poverty. They're in a far better financial position now, and just putting money aside now for retirement in the next couple of years.

It depends on many different factors. Every couple is different. One of my good friends took a job at the other end of the country. She visits her daughter and husband for the school holidays. It's been 2 years and they're still together. Of course, I'm not inside their heads and I don't know how happy they truly are - but it seems that they've all settled into a routine that they wouldn't want to give up anymore... Good or bad, who's to say?

Op if you’re doing this fully and only for security as opposed to necessity I totally wouldn’t. I know a few people who’ve gone a year without their dhs and all were miserable- husbands bitter and sad, wives lonely- in two cases began drinking. Honestly, he can do a bit of travel somehow but two years isn’t scratching a travelling itch!!! I think if he’s a lonely person this will absolutely be so bad for him and for you (you say you’ll resent looking after the kids while he only has to look after himself, I think you’re underestimating how hard it’s going to be for him working in a new country and having no family to go home to). I’d definitely tell him this isn’t an option. Craziness!!!

'When I lived in the UK I of course knew people who cheated or were cheated on, and of course you heard about these things. What we're talking about is different. It's a level of social acceptance that is hard to believe unless you've lived it. Examples I have personally experienced'

This!

Cheating is generally frowned upon in this country, hidden and carried out secretly so people may not seek it out so much. In the expat community in the Mddle East it is the norm, encouraged and accepted.

You would be deluded and naive to think a dh in that environment for years is not having a very enjoyable time.

My Dad working abroad for a few years when I was in my teens did not do our relationship any good at all.

I didn't help that he had an affair while out there, but mostly it was just that it proved my suspicion that he just really wasn't all that interested in me or my brother, that he'd happily miss 2 years of our childhoods.

The relationship has never really recovered.

This happened to my friend and the family went with the husband for two reasons but they came back for high school and he stayed two years more. I think he missed out a lot on his kids teen years and I suspect his daughter is resentful but he is back now and the family are still together

Sorry to hear that .

It is true though that the glitz, glamour, $$$ and exciting lifestyle do not come without a massive sacrifice and it is the kids and spouse at home who pay the price.

Surely no amount of money is worth missing 2 years of your kids childhood?

i agree, but even Dubai - Saudi commuting brings similar challenges, missing out on school events and I don't know if Saudi has now changed to Saturday / Sunday weekends like the UAE has, but the different working week meant only one day as a family, although it is less hours in an airport or on a plane, so less stressful and costly.

Yes, I really don't think doing this on a permanent basis is ever going to work, and I don't know anyone who has ever done it permanently, all the families I know relocate with each new assignment, as we did, but as the kids get older and into secondary school more families chose to do what we have chosen to do, stay the final few years of secondary school in one place until they are off to university, or they decide on boarding school which our kids didn't want to do.

Depends how involved in their childhood he is anyway. From the OP, especially the fact that the kids said they didn’t mind him going, I’d wager he doesn’t have much day to day involvement in their lives. Things probably won’t change much for them.