Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

I'd ballpark agree.

I think if you already have a fairly comfortable life (if you have a cleaner, gardener, dog walker etc) I wouldn't trade 2 years of having my husband and father of my kids around.

My husband's my best friend, I can't imagine not waking up to him every day and even though my child is younger I wouldn't want them to grow up for 2 years seeing their Dad less than some kids see an EOW Dad which can be hard enough.

That's just my perspective but obviously other people have different relationships and can cope with long distance, but I'd rather live off beans on toast, downsize the house and settle for the odd Butlins holiday than spend that much time away from my lovely husband. Especially if it was purely a financial decision when we were already financially comfortable. Xx

I wouldn't do it OP, as lots of others have said it is highly likely you end up leading separate lives or he finds a girlfriend, you prefer life alone...Dubai is a party place I don't think it is a good idea at all.

I've known of a few people who get a bit mixed up over what they perceive to be more money working overseas. A few things to consider:

1. Pension, severance, holiday pay and sick pay may not be included; perks like a flat may only be covered for a short period. This can significantly change actual income.
2. He needs to give up British residency to avoid tax. This has implications on how many days he can be in the country, as well as use of NHS. I knew someone who was required to travel here some periods for work, but then had to choose between attending a funeral or continuing to avoid tax.
3. Relationships can struggle with significant time apart. He will be working with young single people; it can be easy for him to forget commitments to someone he rarely sees, while you might also meet someone else. When I used to travel a lot for work, there were a LOT of people who had affairs or who found their OH moved on; not everyone of course, but it is common.
4. You could feasibly both go in just a few years when the kids become adults, what is the sudden rush now? And why Dubai rather than agreeing a location together? He sounds like a really crap dad to have teenagers but only want to have a couple of holidays with them in a year. Has something changed or was he always checked out? If this is a change, do you not want to explore the cause before he goes and loses the relationship with his kids forever?

the sad thing is, women in abusive relationships and not allowed to go out of their husband sights have partners with the same view.

If I can't see you, you will cheat!

what a depressing way to live. Believing the only reason your husband might be faithful is because you keep an eye on him.

You can make it work better with video calls, visits etc but it's a massive thing to do, and a big risk, I think, to choose to take with your marriage and your family life when there isn't a pressing reason for it.
Is the money really worth it?
If DP wants to live in another country for a while, there are other options including waiting until your teens are fully independent and then moving to a place you would both enjoy living in.
Money isn't everything, and downsizing to somewhere cheaper so he can work shorter hours would be another possible way of having a big change, reducing your outgoings and saving more for retirement.

Dubai is one of the most morally bankrupt places in the modern world. There’s been several documentaries about how it’s surrounded by shanty town full of workers from v poor countries who have their passport taken off them.

Fine if your as Western ex pat, hell on earth for other immigrants.

It’s also an extremely risky place to be if you get into any kind of trouble with the law and pretty seedy.

I couldn’t do it personally I feel like it would be supporting that societal structure and it blows my mind that people holiday there when there are perfectly lovely place in Europe to go where the staff are paid a minimum wage etc.

From the gist of your posts it seems financially it’s a nice to have.

We are currently doing this, husband in Dubai and I stayed behind for the kids to finish school. Oldest is now in Uni and we have another 18 months for the youngest to finish, we have been doing it for 4 years, plan is I will move to Dubai once the youngest leaves for Uni. My husband comes home every 4 weeks for a long weekend, there are lots of public holidays in the UAE which he also comes home for and works from home some of the holidays, he will always come back for birthdays and we spend xmas and new year at home, however we have to be really careful about the number of days he spends in the country to continue to benefit from the tax free status of the UAE.

We travel to Dubai for the October and April holidays and if it was anywhere else other than Dubai, we would up sticks and spend the summer months there, however Dubai is not where you want to be during the summer. so it does mean the summer months feel loooong for us at home.

i think it is much easier on the family if you have teens rather than if you have young kids, they are off doing their own stuff most of the time. My husband used to travel quite a bit for work anyway,, but it took me ages to adjust to the weekends which just seemed interminably long compared to when he is around..

He has a good social life there, golf, work colleagues etc., much better than I have here, so that is a bit of a thorn in my side at times.

Don't underestimate how expensive Dubai is, my husband has a housing allowance which does not cover his rent or facilities anymore, rents and facilities are skyrocketing. My husband doesn't have the time nor the inclination to cook, so it is eating out or takeaways (he put on a huge amount of weight at first), again quite a substantial weekly cost. Flight prices have tripled in the last few years and when we go down to visit him we need to stay in a hotel as he is living in a 1 bedroom apartment and hotel prices have gone through the roof, so we are renting 3 hotel rooms, we eat up a huge amount of our savings just to be together as a family for a few weeks a year.. We find we are saving less and less, basically running two households in two very expensive cities.

I do often think about how our relationship will be once we are back living full-time together, I might not like it 😃.

I think if it is two years only, you might find your savings don't get the big increase you are hoping for. Some companies don't give you a choice on relocating, so if it's either relocate for two years or out the door, then there is not much you can do about it. If you have the option to relocate with him, and your teens are young, I would say join him for the two years, it will be an interesting experience.

'what a depressing way to live. Believing the only reason your husband might be faithful is because you keep an eye on him.'

It isn't about keeping an eye on anyone. When people work away from home they have a separate life, in Dubai that separate life involves an extravagant party atmosphere. Men compartmentalise, we know this.

I've lived and worked in the Middle East and believe me the most unsuspecting usually dull people have their girlfriends and boyfriends there whilst living a perfectly respectful, trustworthy life at home with their families.

Make sure you pencil in long visits.
The kids are teenagers so they can travel to stay with him by themselves too

The time will go super fast; make happy memories and feel fortunate that you'll pay off the house.

I can see the benefits of doing this in the current financial climate. Two years will flew by and you will have stability in the end. I actually have the reverse situation whether I am frustrated that my other half did not look for opportunities to make it better for the family. There is a point where you need to be pragmatic for the benefit of the family. May be I have examples where people have done it and are better off long run. How they did it? By supporting each other and not being resentful of the other person. If you see it as a good thing for all rather than a punishment.

I agree with pp who said you all move or no one does.
I think the costs are underestimated and the potential money saved overestimated. It is an expensive place.

Living in your own with kids and now NOT looking after your husband is actually a lot less demanding. You will have some freedom to do things your way.
Be sure u visit him, or travel and meet at interesting places.

I don't know the OP and I don't know her husband. But however much you personally trust your partner, that doesn't impact the reality that is that the vast majority of men in this situation do cheat. No one can guarantee what another person will or won't do.

I can't imagine my DH cheating on me, and if he did it would go completely against who he has always portrayed himself to be. I still wouldn't live separately like this unless it was basically the financial equivalent of winning the lottery, or we were struggling to put food on the table.

The reality is that if the man working away mainly spends time with other men either single or in a similar situation he will be surrounded by people who cheat on their partners/are sleeping around. It will be normalized in his social circle and he may well be out under peer pressured to cheat. Maybe he won't mainly socialise with people in similar situations, but men who have a wife and kids in Dubai are not usually spending a lot of time with men who are effectively single, in the same way they wouldn't in the UK. If you haven't interacted with men in this situation in the Gulf you really would be shocked. I try to avoid but I know several situations where the mistress is openly involved in work social events for example.

The same thing can happen with women who work away, but it tends to be less socially acceptable for women to cheat / sleep with prostitutes so the peer pressure is lower.

It is,especially in Dubai. Every single bar and restaurant is teeming with 'working girls' and they can spot a man on 'Batchelor Status' at fifty paces. I first went to Dubai in 2006 and go every now and then because we only live a 40minute plane ride away and I can honestly say it's got much,much worse.

And even if I do trust DH 101% (and I trust no one 101%), I wouldn't WANT to live apart. That in itself would be a red flag.

I think there's a slight difference between abusive people not letting their partners leave their sight to spending 2 years separated and basically living independent lives where loneliness might mean you meet other people during that time and could genuinely jeopardise the relationship.

I think comparing the two is disengenious and suggesting that someone who doesn't like this is the same level as a controlling domestic abuser is abhorrent.

'however we have to be really careful about the number of days he spends in the country to continue to benefit from the tax free status of the UAE.'

Yes I'm surprised that if is he's coming back monthly and for birthdays and christmas etc that he is within the tax rules tbh and also that is is financially viable.

He's living in a one bedroomed flat playing golf and socialising whilst you've been doing the domestic stuff and child rearing for 4yrs. How does this arrangement benefit you? Genuine question, I'm not being goady just interested why you would want this.

My sister's husband moved to Dubai but her and kids stayed back mostly because of kids school and her work but if his contract gets extended they are contemplating the move as she also changed her job which will be opening a headquarter in the Middle East (not Dubai though bu t easy to travel) and she can move to Dubai now. She goes there 4 times per year (2 times are covered by the husband's employer and 2 times they pay themselves) and she loves it mostly due to safety. Their house in London was burgled 2 times and she got robbed at knife point in broad daylight ( upmarket North London suburb), which is sadly a norm in London, after all these she is more convinced they should move.

My family was like this - when my Dad retired my Mum didn't know what to do with him for the first six months or so!

We did this for two years but slightly in reverse- I moved back to UK with DC (then 10&12) after 14 years abroad and DH stayed out in Asia. We saw each other about every 6 weeks (basically every school holiday - normally we'd go there or we'd meet in a third country half way.) It was probably easier for me than him tbh as I was busy and things were "new". It also forced me to "find my village" really fast and I made some good friends through trading favours with other mums (a lot round here either in same boat or partners who work in London all week). It could get stressful trying to juggle the kids' schedules on my own and weekends could be a bit lonely, but on balance, the advantages massively outweighed the downsides.

A couple of wider observations:

International migrant labour is incredibly common but our UK perspective is largely that it's something other people from other countries do out of desperation, which isn't really true when you dig down into it- these people are mostly pretty aspirational and the "go getters" in their communities. However, outcomes vary hugely in terms of whether migration does result in social mobility and whilst some is luck, when you control for those things, it comes down to mindset - our research found that those that came with a time limit in mind and clear financial goals (like, I want to save $x to build a house so I need to save x per month) did much better than those who didn't have time horizons or clear goals. Long way of saying, to make 2 years in Dubai worth the sacrifice and make sure it is only 2 years, your DH needs to think like a migrant worker and not like an expat. He needs to limit his in-country expenses (small 1 bed apartment in non trendy area, cheap unsexy car) and just look at it as 2 years of working and saving. Otherwise if you get lifestyle creep, it's not going to be the money tree it might seem from a distance. On that I agree with pp that there are other neighbouring countries where this is less likely as they're basically less fun so foreign workers are more likely to have the attitude of "let's just make our money and get out of here".

Finally, get tax advice- the UK tax residency rules are not 100% straightforward. If you stay in the UK with the DC and a house that your DH has full access to, the number of days he will be allowed in the UK per year will be pretty low. It also depends when he goes and comes back relative to tax years. You do not want to do all this and then end up UK resident for tax purposes and lose half his earnings. This also limits how you meet up and while this sounds "oh my diamond shoes are too tight", the kids did get a bit fed up of not getting to spend any school holidays actually at home because DH was out of days or needed them for work commitments.

Friends have done this. He's a foreign ex football player/EPL coach who played/coached in UK and now coaches in UAE so has always travelled a lot. She gave up work after her first child, but their kids are adults now. They take holidays whenever they can to have quality time together

I’m not going to keep posting on this thread, but I find it alarming how no one seems to give two hoots about some of the stuff that goes on in Dubai:

https://www.hrw.org/world-report/2024/country-chapters/united-arab-emirates

My dh goes away a lot for work for long periods, it's totally doable - also Dubai is an easy overnight flight, can't he have in his package that he comes home at least once a month for a weekend business class so he can sleep properly on the plane and not be too knackered on arrival and you go out with the dc at half term - then meet for the holidays in a destination easily accessible from Dubai ie Oman, Maldives (getting carried away now) so you don't spend all your holidays in Dubai itself. I personally find Dubai a boring dump so get why you don't want to go but two years will pass in a flash if you meet regularly.

BTW totally don't hear the cheating part - only the OP can know if she trusts her dh enough to let him live away but frankly if he's the type to cheat he will do it wherever he lives. Never been the remotest issue for me and DH and he has even more reason not to trust me as I'm far more gregarious