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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me think through this argument with new partner.

292 replies

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 27/01/2025 17:59

I’m sorry OP, where you go from here is you block this man’s number and never see him again.

devastatedagain · 27/01/2025 18:04

Thats fucking terrifying.

Who even THINKS like that?

Does he smoke? If not, why does he have a lighter?

First, he threatens to set fire to clothes, then - well, you can see what the next threat is can't you?

Porkyporkchop · 27/01/2025 18:06

First post nails it.

Climbinghigher · 27/01/2025 18:06

Erm I think that would be the end for me. The dramas will only get larger

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 18:07

You cannot have this man anywhere near your home. He’s dangerous and changing now that he’s got properly involved.

mulberrybag · 27/01/2025 18:09

Sometimes it takes a good old while for them to show their true colours. This feels batshit, it must have been properly scary and really feel for you! Do not take him back - under any circumstances

theemmadilemma · 27/01/2025 18:10

You can only keep up a veneer so long.

He's let it drop and you've seen beneath. Run...

Cherrysoup · 27/01/2025 18:10

I agree with everyone, this is properly fucking terrifying. He can’t be allowed back in your house, ever. Who on earth does something like this? 😱

user2848502016 · 27/01/2025 18:10

It doesn't matter what's happened before this is a HUGE red flag, you can't have someone like that around your DC. Where you go from here is to dump him asap

Arlanymor · 27/01/2025 18:10

If someone threatened to commit arson in my home, not only would they not be coming in my home again, they’d be coming nowhere near my life again. And I don’t have two DCs - you have even more of an imperative to draw the line and end things for good. Lots of men can keep true behaviours hidden for a scarily long amount of time, but when they show you those behaviours then believe them. It’s the true them.

maximumcarnage · 27/01/2025 18:11

Too good to be true indeed.

We all have our faults, issues and idiosyncrasies but this is not normal behaviour. Indeed it’s very alarming, especially being you have children. This would be a big no for me and I would end it. I’d also inform friends and family incase he takes it badly.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 27/01/2025 18:11

These types of guys usually mask who they are for up to 2 years.

They are perfect and charming until they get their feet under the table (usually when moving in, or there's a pregnancy). It's starts as 'mild' things like this which they can pass off as a joke, this is the start of them eroding your boundries. The next 'joke'will be a bit worse, then the one after that will be worse still. Between times he will remain charming and helpful and lovely.

You should walk away, he will try and make you think you're over reacting, you're absolutely not

veraswaistcoat · 27/01/2025 18:13

That is horrible and that would be the end for me. What normal person thinks like that?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/01/2025 18:13

Jesus. Dump immediately.

Curtainqueen · 27/01/2025 18:13

Threatening to start a fire inside the house while you are in it because you told him to leave? That’s not something just anyone does on the spur of the moment. Have you ever researched his background?

sometimesmovingforwards · 27/01/2025 18:14

Wtf?!?
That's too weird and not acceptable in any way. Giving off ‘quiet and calm but underneath a complete psychopath’ vibes.

OhBow · 27/01/2025 18:14

The word that comes to mind is psycho.

Don't blame yourself, sounds like he hidit well.

I think you should tell friends and family so if he takes the breakup badly they can dive in and protect you. Maybe have someone there when you tell him it's over

KimFan · 27/01/2025 18:15

As far away from him as possible is where you go from here. He’s a fucking psycho and you’ve had a lucky escape. Surely you don’t really see anything to salvage with this pyromaniac lunatic?!

thistimelastweek · 27/01/2025 18:17

Fucking hell!

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 18:17

I would be reporting this to the none emergency police so that it’s on record.

Please do a Claire’s Law check too.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/01/2025 18:19

Don't give him a second chance. Nobody behaves like that unless they're a psycho. If you let this go, you'll just be confirming that you will tolerate this kind of shit. I wonder how many other women he's threatened with arson.

Farmersweeklyreader · 27/01/2025 18:21

Run. This is a huge red flag. The biggest, reddest flag. Dump immediately. Inform police? I would certainly be making a call, even just so they had something on file. Tell friends & family, people you are close to need to know exactly how batshit he is, incase you need their protection.

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 18:21

It was really weird, I wasn't scared of him at all, believe it or not, at the time, it didn't feel at all threatening, it was quite 'light hearted' he was very calm, not angry. He was just, normal. Like a normal conversation. The more I think back and go over what happened it's become scary because it was so odd. And actually, unhinged.
He did leave and I've told him I need space and he's accepted that.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 27/01/2025 18:21

Call the police.

HellonHeels · 27/01/2025 18:22

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 18:17

I would be reporting this to the none emergency police so that it’s on record.

Please do a Claire’s Law check too.

This is the best course of action. He sounds incredibly dangerous. Wouldn't be surprised if he has form.

It goes without saying that you should never ever see him again.