Help me think through this argument with new partner.

[mistymountainz]

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

The children were witnesses. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

That's mad. He'll probably just claim it was a joke or say you made it up. You need to get rid of him asap.

What the fuck

I'm assuming he doesn't live with you as you say it's been a year and he's just met your DC so hopefully not too much of his stuff is at your place, can you pack his stuff into a bin bag and tell him to leave, pleased to see you have told him you need space.

You don’t know that he has “accepted that” at all. What you do know is that you don’t know who this man is or what he is capable of. Don’t be misled. You tried to be careful this time but you accidentally stumbled in an equally careful sociopath. He was capable of biding his time for a year. Now he has begun the second stage of abuse which is accustoming you to it.

He may have overplayed his hand and you may be sble to dump him. But don’t let your guard down. To him this is all in the game. He may go away briefly and try to woo you back.

Call for help. Tell everyone you know in real life. This will help you stay strong no matter what excuses he offers.

OP does he have clothes in your home still?
Perhaps you could pack up his belongings and courier them over to his home.

If you enclose a note photograph it.

Now you have met Mr Hyde you need to keep yourself and your children safe.

As usual there is sound pragmatic advice here,
Ring doorbell - does he have a key? if so change your lock asap
keep the back door locked, don’t allow children to open the front door
(or back)
advise school, friends, family, telephone the Police, request a Claire’s Law check

I guess you are still a little shocked but please act to protect you all - nutters
like him believe rules of behaviour do not apply to them and can be dangerous.

He may actually shrug and go away - you however cannot take that chance.

Thats chilling.

‘I don’t know where I go from here”. I’m pretty sure you do know and you’ve got to do it, and pdq ….like yesterday!

Don’t beat yourself up regarding possible previous red flags, you say you weren’t aware of any. But this stunt is a biggie, it’s huge, way too big and dangerous to ignore. Ignore and I wonder what his next stunt will be, cause sure as eggs are eggs, there will be one!

I don’t understand why you haven’t blocked and deleted him yet. I really don’t.

I think it can be understandable if you’re living together to be blindsided and for the reality to take some time to be real. But he doesn’t live with you. He walked out of your house and now he should be gone. And if I was your children’s father and knew what kind of psychopath you were introducing into their lives I would be giving an ultimatum, get rid or I would see you in court for full time residency.

You must report this. He is terrifying. He has conditioned you. Believe the lighter version as it is real. His veneer had slipped. Change your locks. Do not minimise this.

Whoa.
He's way way way overstepped the threatening line.
Get rid.

What do you mean where do you go from here? Are you insane? This man threatened you in your own home! In your children's home there is only one option
Dump! Block! Delete!

Oh dear.
That's really a horrible thing to do.
He can't respect you. If he did, that just wouldn't have happened.
Maybe he's fallen out of love/lust x

Please don't minimise this behaviour. It is not "silly stuff", he's threatened to start a fire in your home. This is not what a normal person does after a minor disagreement. Please report him to the Police and check whether he has previous for domestic abuse.

Did you get any support after your previous abuse? Have you done The Freedom Program?

The red flag you missed was him going above and beyond, otherwise known as love bombing. It puts you at ease and you think you have found the perfect partner. They play the long game, but it looks like he's shown his hand too soon.

You have dumped him haven't you? If not, you need to. Please be careful though and don't do it face to face. You could be in danger.

You need space @mistymountainz?

I hope that’s permanently.

He's unhinged.

You’ve got kids

The fact that you’re posting here about what you should do, speaks volumes. So please listen to the many voices telling you to end this.

Christ almighty.

Who thinks like that? No one you want to be in a relationship with that's for sure.

Omg that’s awful.

End the relationship and be firm but I wouldn’t discuss it with him or meet up with him. Do not trust him. Have a plan for if he turns up or if he tries to persuade you to forgive him.

I know someone with this kind of erratic behaviour and they have done similar to me, once in the car, and they have been declared a fire risk by the fire service who turned up to their home with fireproof bedding for their own safety.

You had a minor disagreement and his mind went straight to ARSON when you didn’t back down.

I’m sorry @mistymountainz but he is not emotionally stable and rational. I would expect to see more abusive traits emerge as your lives become more enmeshed.

In your shoes, I would be thinking about ending this relationship. Being able to argue respectfully is the hallmark of a healthy relationship - he wanted to frighten you because you argued. That’s not ok.

Be grateful he has shown his true colours now.
Finish this ‘relationship’ & never, ever resume it.
Be vigilant, he’s clearly extremely disturbed & could seek revenge.
The Police probably wouldn’t be interested, but he made a dangerous threat which cannot be ignored or ever forgiven. Good luck.

My ex from long ago moved onto a vulnerable woman who had two kids, one was profoundly disabled.
He set fire to this new gf clothes in her living room whilst the kids were upstairs asleep.
Thankfully nobody was hurt. But she lost her home.
Don't let that be you.

This man is dangerous! Report to police, bag up every bit of his stuff and put it outside, change locks, have support nearby, and breakup over text then block. Your kids might be better off staying at their dad's for a bit.

Do you have outdoor surveillance? You might need it.

Again, this man is a danger to you and your children.

He can't process his feelings at all

He was clearly VERY upset by the argument so acted out his feelings in a completely inappropriate way

Someone who hasn't grown up past about 7 isn't a suitable partner

This!! In fact you should always do the Claire’s Law check on new partners.

Block him and report to the police non-emergency line. He didn’t have a key did he?

I think you’ve seriously under-reacted and hopefully you are waking up a bit now?

It’s quite telling that he’s started to be a lunatic as soon as he’s got his foot in the door and the kids involved. The mask slips once they feel they have you.

I’d let the local police know too- he sounds unhinged and dangerous.