Help me think through this argument with new partner.

[mistymountainz]

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

Gosh OP, this must be one of the most chilling things ever posted on here.

Whatever his apparent mood, whatever he didn't do next... He actively contemplated setting a fire in your home. While you were there. And maybe your children?

This is about some of the most dangerous and threatening behaviour I can think of, and I'm a criminal lawyer.

You've done so well getting yourself out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Don't be sticking around for a physically dangerous one now, instead.

Was he drunk? Was he suffering from psychosis? Even if he was that's bang out of order. Threatening to burn down your house with you in it, essentially. You must kick him out and block him.
I knew I guy who tried to set fire to my passport once, I foolishly forgave him...a month later he'd flooded my house and broken my leg.
Please don't give him another chance.

You never see this man again. That’s what you do.

'Silly Stuff'?

He calmly went when you didn't run after him begging him to forgive you straight to 'I'll show her, I'll use a makeshift flamethrower and torch her clothes and bedroom. Bet she won't look so fucking smug then'

That's burning rags through your letterbox when you're all asleep territory.

You weren't scared because you were probably in shock. It would be very difficult to make yourself believe it was actually happening given how lovely you think he has been up until now.

There is only one thing to do, break up, block him, and never see him again. You cannot expose your children to that malevolent character again.

That is fucking psycho behaviour. The rest of his wholesome, goodly behaviour is an act. He’s played the long game and not stepped a foot out of place because you’ve told him your history and he knows you’d get rid of him unless he could get his feet under the table first before he showed his true colours.

Get him out of yours and your children’s lives for good and I would report it to the police without a seconds hesitation. The fact you haven’t shows that sadly you’re not in as strong a place as you may think you are. This is nuts. No man who behaves like that has any business being allowed around children or vulnerable women.

Very erratic behaviour. Don’t blame yourself for not spotting anything sooner but ignore this at your peril.
takes time for people to show their true selves.

This ! Gaslighting at the ready

I suspect you’re in shock which is why you’re minimising it and calling it silly. It’s not silly, it’s not a joke. This man is a psychopath. Please block his number now so he can’t talk you round, then change your locks and call the police. As others have said it needs to be on record in case he does something worse in future (to you or to someone else).

What the fuck have I just read?!

You need space for what? He has shown you who he is, you have children to protect. This shouldn't even be a discussion - you need to end the relationship.

You must get this man out of your life - he is dangerous.

First post nails it. I really hope you're OK after this incident. Never ever ever let him into your property again. That's fucking sickening behaviour. Been some really high profile arsons lately. Make sure your smoke alarms have fresh batteries in and I'd report it to the police so that if he turns up they're on speed dial to attend.

Unhinged

He’s threatened arson in your home with your children in it. You need to report it to the police. Surely you can see that you cannot see this man again as he’s a danger to you and your kids. Do not think it won’t happen again. It is inevitable that behaviour like this will escalate.

This is the sort of man who will end up in prison for setting fire to a house with his ex and her children inside it. We've all seen the horrific stories.

Please, please, don't let him near you or your children again. Dump him. Call the police to report, and get their for advice. Increase your home security and smoke alarms. Tape up your letterbox overnight.

I'm so sorry this happened. Glad it's before you live together or get pregnant though.

That’s actually crazy. Even if he didn’t do it he thought it - either he was really going to do it or he was pretending to do it to scare you. Neither is acceptable obviously, but who in their right mind would even THINK to do that. It’s one thing having an argument and stomping out of the house, but returning with the equipment to make a flamethrower out of nowhere is quite mad. As a PP said, he’s shown his hand too early. You sound amazing - strong and switched on - report this to the police and submit a Claire’s Law request. I would be unsurprised if this was the tip of the iceberg.

Wow that's beyond out of order!

I'd tell him it's over, block his number and change the locks on your doors.

You often find that with abusive partners, their behaviour doesn't start to show as abusive for at least a few years

What a freak. No one pulls that shit with a lone mother, even as a joke.

Hopefully, that’s the back of him. But, for peace of mind, ask cops for crime prevention advice and a check on him. Fireproof letterbox catcher (about £30). Change lock barrel (easy to do yourself and again about £30). Make neighbours aware he shouldn’t be at your home anymore.

Interesting how he did this not long after meeting your kids.

Where you go from here is to report this to the police, get help protecting your home (letterbox cage, ring doorbell, security system, new locks), and never interact with him again. This man is a risk to you and your children. You might want to consider the Freedom programme to help break away from picking such men in the future.

It's like Rescue dogs, they don't show their true colours until you're reeled in.

Run!

Oh my god. Do not engage with him ever again, even to give stuff back or whatever.

He definitely has it in him to be a violent stalker and engaging makes men like that even worse.

Def police too. They’ll do fuck all about it but at least you’ll have a record if he starts escalating.

Also totally possible there were no red flags, but also possible you are so conditioned to red flags you just don’t recognise them. Strongly second posters’ recs for Freedom Programme

You should be scared of him!! That’s fucking psycho behaviour!!