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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me think through this argument with new partner.

292 replies

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

OP posts:
WindyRiver · 27/01/2025 19:06

Setting a fire IN your home?!??

Thinking it is disturbing.
Saying it out loud is really disturbing.
Grabbing the tools to do it is utterly unhinged.

THIS IS WHO HE IS. You need to get rid now.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 27/01/2025 19:06

That is such bad luck. But you know what you have to do you’ve been given some great advice.

mewkins · 27/01/2025 19:07

Please don't let him talk his way out of this. No normal person behaves like that. I would also report and nail my letterbox shut.

LuluBlakey1 · 27/01/2025 19:10

Where you go is :

  1. End the relationship. No discussion - just end it. By text or email.

Then, immediately:

  1. Block him from your phone and social media
  2. Never speak to him or see him again. If he turns up, do not open the doir or allow him in your house.
  3. Alert the police to what he did- he is dangerous. I would be very worried about his potential to do something absolutely awful. I wouldn't be surprised if he is already known to the police.
  4. The previous poster us right- block your letter box.
TomatoSandwiches · 27/01/2025 19:10

You need to really take his threst as serioualy as possible, threatening arson is not typical go to violence op, he likely has form for this many many times.
Report his threat to the police this evening, do not wait, this is not something you can sleep on.

You need to end this relationship, there is no other option, tell the police this and ask for their advice, they may make a visit to him to ensure he knows you've reported him.

Vertigo2851 · 27/01/2025 19:10

I wonder if meeting your children has emboldened him to show his true self.

Never see him again.

JustMyView13 · 27/01/2025 19:11

This man is unhinged. Did you submit a Claire’s law request before you introduced him to your children?

I think you should Google ‘love bombing’.

Sometimes LTB is thrown around on here a bit too easily. Then I see posts like this which are 100% LTB, and I hope that the message is in no way diluted by other more trivial posts we see day to day.

Collette78 · 27/01/2025 19:11

Noooo I do not like this…. I’ve had some pretty weird disagreements / arguments in my time but threatening to start a fire is another level, slightly more disturbing that he was “calm” about it.

Absolutely not.

HolyPeaches · 27/01/2025 19:13

He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe.

Never allow this psychopath into your home or around your children ever again.

CC222 · 27/01/2025 19:13

There is no coming back from this. His behaviour was unhinged!
Protect yourself and your children at all costs and end this relationship and all communication with him.
What an insane thing to do...

Hollietree · 27/01/2025 19:14

“I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this”

This is not silly stuff @mistymountainz This is seriously worrying and extremely dangerous behaviour.

I think your previous experience of abusive relationships has seriously skewed your opinions on what is normal behaviour.

You need to block this man, never see or speak to him again. Look into the freedom project or seeing a therapist to reset your ideas on what is abusive or not.

Shakirasma · 27/01/2025 19:15

If you move your line in the sand beyond "threatening to set a fire in my house", then where exactly do you draw it?

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 27/01/2025 19:18

That is so scary. You can't have this man anywhere near you or your children - especially given your previous experience. Get rid of him. And fast.

Thepossibility · 27/01/2025 19:18

This fucking lunatic needs to be gone. You need to protect yourself and your kids. He sounds like the type that will throw acid on you or stalk you. Don't be stupid and let him worm his way back in. He is dangerous.

justworking · 27/01/2025 19:20

Thepossibility · 27/01/2025 19:18

This fucking lunatic needs to be gone. You need to protect yourself and your kids. He sounds like the type that will throw acid on you or stalk you. Don't be stupid and let him worm his way back in. He is dangerous.

This

heyhopotato · 27/01/2025 19:21

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 27/01/2025 18:11

These types of guys usually mask who they are for up to 2 years.

They are perfect and charming until they get their feet under the table (usually when moving in, or there's a pregnancy). It's starts as 'mild' things like this which they can pass off as a joke, this is the start of them eroding your boundries. The next 'joke'will be a bit worse, then the one after that will be worse still. Between times he will remain charming and helpful and lovely.

You should walk away, he will try and make you think you're over reacting, you're absolutely not

Start? Mild?

This is 0 to 1000.

This isn't, "you look old today haha only joking" starter territory. This is full on serial killer level from nowhere.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/01/2025 19:22

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

Oh my god!
Op nip this in the bud RIGHT now .
Go to the police tomorrow morning and report what happened . At least it stops his manipulative behaviour at best it saves lives and heartache .

You have met another abuser sorry op but you have. .Do not let this man near you or your kids again don’t cave . Do not entertain any further. .
Block delete and police .

Id also get a ring door bell and dash cam .

wordler · 27/01/2025 19:22

First report to the police non emergency line so that you have a record of this threat to set fire to your home.

Next tell your family and friends - so that they can also be vigilant on your behalf.

Next if you don’t already have them get a doorbell cam and also if possible other security cameras for your home so you have a record of anyone trying to get in etc.

Next block all communication with this man.

Do not underestimate something so unhinged as an arson threat - it wasn’t even just words he brandished the means to do it in front of you.

LadyLucyWells · 27/01/2025 19:22

That’s not normal behaviour, you have to end this, you have children.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/01/2025 19:22

So rejection makes him irrational and threatening, time he was an ex but please be careful Op, he could be dangerous when dumped

Whichpartyoutfit · 27/01/2025 19:23

This man is so, so dangerous. Protect yourself and your kids, call the police now.

NovemberMorn · 27/01/2025 19:23

I agree a Claire's Law check would be wise.
That behaviour is frightening, I suspect now he has acted like that in front of you, his behaviour will only escalate the next time something doesn't suit.

I would be seriously thinking about planning a future with him tbh.

UpMyself · 27/01/2025 19:26

Block him and never let him near you and yours ever again.

outerspacepotato · 27/01/2025 19:26

He went from a minor argument over a door to firestarting. He's wildly abusive. Were your children there?

I think you are seriously under reacting here. This guy sounds like a potential family annihilator.

tachetastic · 27/01/2025 19:28

@mistymountainz : I don't know where I go from here.

With the greatest respect OP, you should know exactly where to go from here.

While with his words he was saying he would "set his own clothes on fire" what he was really threatening to do was to set your home on fire with both of you and presumably your children still in it. Don't ever attempt to rationalise or explain this away. It is among the worst and most terrifying things I have ever heard on MN. If his temper and lack of self control means that he would even consider threatening this in response to a small argument, imagine what he could do over something that actually matters.

So many people in abusive relationships and victims of violence look back to the one chance they had to get out that they didn't take. Count this as your one chance. As a warning, it couldn't be clearer. You may not get another before the damage is done.

This man must be out of you and your children's lives completely. While I don't want to sound overly-dramatic I would also seriously consider moving in with your parents or friends for a few weeks and even moving house without telling him.

Good luck.