Help me think through this argument with new partner.

[mistymountainz]

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

@mistymountainz Please note that no one has told you that you are over reacting; no one has said to talk to him; no one has said he was just upset; no one has said you should speak with him once things have settled.

No one has said anything to excuse his behaviour.
Why?
His behaviour is terrifying.
This is a rare MN thread where everyone agrees, no one is trolling and everyone wants you and your children to be safe. Please heed the very good advice here and contact police. 🩷

Please finish it with him for the sake of your children. Forget how good he’s been until now - it’s all bollocks

People are not faultless which is how you previously described him - I am guessing he is masking a very bad temper

Talk to the police, and end the relationship. If he'll demonstrate to you how he intends to set fire to your home with you and your children in it, he is a danger. What will he do when he realises you mean it and won't have him back?

I’m so glad you’re ending it. My first reaction was the same as@devastatedagain Who does think like that? It’s horrifying and him doing it calmly adds to that.

Although, I can imagine why you felt calm at the time, it must have felt surreal. And you remaining calm may well have stopped him escalating. Thank goodness you have a good head on your shoulders

Sorry, OP. Threatening arson in your home - which could easily have killed you - is no joke. You know what you have to do - never have anything to do with him again, especially as you have DC - and it seems you know that and won't see him again.

Unfortunately, people can be very good at hiding behind a mask for quite some time. It's not that hard for them if you don't live together. Around a year is not enough time to know someone. Don't feel bad that you didn't spot any red flags; he was working hard to conceal any, and the older I get, the more I think that only time reveals people's true natures. Don't think that you should have had this amazing sharp insight or something. Time is the key, and taking a relationship really slowly. It's always the people with something to hide that have to rush things. Not saying he did, just my general observation.

I agree completely with getting his record marked because it might help the next woman if she puts in a Claire's Law request, which I think you should do, too.

I was slack jawed reading this.
You are rightly running for the hills. Imagine him terrorising your children like this if the relationship progressed 😱😱😱

Please do report to the police.
I dont know the exact name but you can make a note on his record. Might help the next poor woman if she is smart enough to do clare's law.
You should also notify them now for yourself/your children just in case he doesn't go quietly....

This is good info, because I was just worrying about OP's letterbox. He sounds like the type who, if he IS a psycho pyromaniac, might put something through the letterbox. OP could try to get the panic button - they can only say no, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

OP, out of an abundance of caution, might you position a fire extinguisher near your front door, close to where the letterbox is? I'm sure it won't be necessary, but pyromaniacs are terrifying, and it's better to have it and not need it than the other way round.

Argh, I spelt Clare's name wrong, and now I can't edit it. It's Clare's Law, not Claire.

I think what I'm finding the hardest is that I had absolutely no idea and I introduced this man to my children. Both have autism and one is extremely wary of people but just took to this man instantly and he absolutely adores him, he's going to be so upset and it will be difficult to explain.
With my ex husband, I saw the flags, I ignored them, it was my own fault for ignoring them and then I felt confident that next time, I'll spot and act on those red flags and never be in that situation again. Yet here I am, and I exposed my children to it. I just don't think I can ever get over this and trust anyone ever again.

You will, in time. Don't let this man ruin your future happiness.

You are doing fantastic OP. Please find some support IRL also.💐

I don't think I've ever seen a thread with exactly the same advice repeated over and over again.

If your children are autistic, might you be too? This can add a whole extra level of vulnerability to your situation.

You need help and perspective.

Police today if you haven't already. Let us know.

If you work, you may have an employee assistance programme that can give you support, access to therapy.

I do think you'd benefit from therapy for yourself to help you heal from two vile men. Big hugs from a squadron of strangers all on your side.

I think (speaking from experience sadly) that when you have come out of an abusive relationship, you think that you are an expert on spotting the warning signals, and you are very keen not to fall for it again. However this can lure you into a false sense of security because abuse comes in many different guises, and just because this new man was different (superficially at least) from your ex, that doesn't mean he doesn't have his own worrying issues. And when you have been groomed once by an abuser, you are unfortunately very vulnerable to grooming by the next. Please look into the freedom programme.

At least his mask slipped now, and not another year down the line. Your children may be confused and disappointed but that is a small price to pay for protecting them from a monstrously unpredictable and sinister man.

Would being a single mum with no man in your life be a terrible outcome? Not meant to sound judgemental at all, but perhaps that might be the way to go for now.

Please please please keep him well away from your children. His behaviour is terrifying.

Yet here I am, and I exposed my children to it. I just don't think I can ever get over this and trust anyone ever again.

But you DID spot them this time.

These types of men are manipulative and can hide their abusive side. He's shown you who he is.

Block him and learn from the experience.

OP, we’ve all met someone who has turned out not to be who we thought. Not just in relationship terms and not always with such terrifying potential, but every last person has had a situation where someone they’ve thought to be one thing has turned out not to be.

And the reality is that many people give the benefit of the doubt, the first time, then the second time, and before they know it they’re over involved and don’t know how to get out.

You didn’t do that. At the first sign of his behaviour you have walked away from him, this is testament to your abilities to guard yourself from harm.

Are you planning to contact him to tell him it’s over or are you just planning to ghost him?

I agree to speak to the police might be a good idea.

WRT your DS, I would simply tell him that x turned out to be a horrible person and you didn’t want to see him again.

Don’t brush over what he is. Your children also need to learn that sometimes people turn out to be bad. It helps them to learn their own judgements.

Oh and, look him up on google, you never know what you might find.

OP, the most dangerous people are the ones who hide behind a charming persona. His slipped, and you have acted, (thank God in time)
This had nothing to do with your being fooled or gullible, it has everything to do with him being good at hiding his true self.

Good luck for the future. x

Wow, so many messages saying the same thing over and over, and rightly so! As the above poster said, these people are very adept at hiding their true personality, it has nothing to do with you being gullible or not spotting it sooner. As others have also said, protect your family and yourself from this man.

That’s how I see it . She has noticed . It’s whether she actually does something about it now . I fear not .
Why no police why just going around in your head op that you have got with another abuser ? @mistymountainz you are not over reacting you are under reacting .

Actually people like this are very very common, normally we don’t see it as they mask in public or when there is more than one person around. They test. This was a test and he failed or rather you passed as you said no. I guarantee he will try to hoover you back - just a joke, I was trying to make you laugh, you did something and I wanted to show being serious was like threatening your clothes etc or my clothes to make you see you were petty and then you will question yourself and like a fish you will be hooked on a hook. He will have you. My daughter admires me for walking away with her new born brother when her adored step father hit me. Yes it’s heart breaking but you know what congratulate yourself.

It's yourself you don't think you can trust but you did spot the red flag and took action to protect yourself and your children.

No one would end up in abusive relationships if these arseholes weren't experts at deception and manipulation. If you are not manipulative and abusive you will not project that onto other people. It's other people normal, decent behaviour that abusers weaponise to delay or prevent detection. We are not responsible for their lies or abuse.

Took me five years. The first time I tried a relationship after my abusive ex, he ended up even worse 😣 put me off for years but I learned in those years to be comfortable being single- that allowed me to find my now DH. You are enough as you are, don’t worry about a man, you don’t need one. Maybe you’ll want one later but you won’t need him and that makes you powerful.

Where are you with him at the moment? I haven't read through the whole thread properly. Is he out of your life or still hanging on?

Don't feel bad @mistymountainz you've learnt a valuable lesson, these men hide their real selves until they think they have you under their control. You said yourself you saw the red flags with your Ex but ignored them, this man was more subtle, he hid his real self much better right up until you said No. When you doubled down and said No again he blew up, he didn't expect you to see through him so easily and he resorted to threats straight away.
Next time, if there is one, remember what you've learnt and don't let a man have it all his own way