Help me think through this argument with new partner.

[mistymountainz]

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

I'm done with men!

Unfortunately, I think this is very sensible, at least until your children are older.

Well done for putting your children first.

This may have been the first red flag (some people are VERY good at hiding who they are). You're acting on it, so don't beat yourself up.

you could however, read the OP’s updates ?

So, reading through the thread I think i have under reacted. I have a very supportive boss and I spoke to her today and we reported it, I don't want to pursue any charges but it's noted. I'm not going to do a Clare's law check, it's irrelevant to me now, it doesn't matter whether he has a history or not finding that out isn't going to help me now.
My neighbour is a locksmith and he's coming later to change my locks, just incase. And I feel a little better knowing he knows the situation and he said he'd keep an eye on us and to call if I ever need him no matter what time.
I'm going to text him later and tell him it's completely done, I obviously said I need space but he needs to know that this is it. And then I'll go and stay with my mum tonight as I don't think I'll rest here just incase he does show up.
I feel very shaky, but I'm glad I reached out and I am so appreciative of the overwhelming support from everyone, I would have reached the same conclusion without you anyway but it's given me the confidence to really believe in my decision and not spend weeks questioning it. Also all the other advice has been invaluable, it may not be necessary to change the locks but I think it will make me feel better.

You have done brilliantly, not everyone would have handled this as well as you have.
It must have been a really shocking thing to experience, especially in hindsight, it was frightening and actually a really dangerous situation to be in.

Good luck for the future. x

Well done, @mistymountainz. I'm glad your boss and your neighbour have been so supportive.

You’ve done the right thing.

Wow, that sounds so scary even if you didn’t feel it at the time.

Men are terrifying how they can appear to be one thing and become another.

You're doing the right thing kicking him out of your life and your children’s. He’s unsafe.

Well done for reporting @mistymountainz and for protecting you and your children by getting this man out of your lives. You should feel really proud of how you’ve dealt with it.

I wouldn’t block him yet because then if he makes threats via text, you have a record in case you want to follow up with police. However, once you’ve sent your message to end it officially, just ‘grey rock’ him - don’t engage any more, don’t pick up to calls and don’t message him back, no matter how much you might want to. All you’ll do is fuel him and in his warped brain he’ll think you’re still engaged with the idea of him and he’ll keep trying to get a reaction from you

Don’t worry that you missed the red flags, this was the red flag and you have responded appropriately. Some abusive people can hold it together for a long time before the mask slips, the important thing is that you have acted as soon as that happened

Well done, OP.

Good Girl! You have much to be proud of, well done .

Well done OP. You would never know if he'd copied a key so this is peace of mind and I'm glad you saw how dangerous this was.

Onwards and upwards

Well done, OP.

((((Sending a big hug)))) good that you have it all under control now & have people to support and help you. When you send the text there may be fallout from that ( just to make you aware from personal experience) the advice is to not reply at all, just ignore totally.

You never can tell if the person they're playing is the person they are - until something slips.

A former friend of ours portrayed himself as a kind caring gay man, his partner's carer, employing local people. A good guy.

He was in fact grooming little girls online and was caught in a police operation.

None of us had the faintest idea, no indication until he was arrested. So you couldn't have known about this man's true nature because he'd concealed it.

It's a lucky event that it was exposed before he had moved in, become too deeply embedded in your family's life.

And you've done brilliantly. Making the right decision for your child and yourself, reaching out for help from your equally brilliant manager and neighbour.

Have a lovely stay with your mum and keep talking with your manager - part of their job is to help you like this.

💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐

You could, however, be more polite.