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Original poster

Help me think through this argument with new partner.

292 replies

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

OP posts:
Doloresparton · 27/01/2025 20:01

@mistymountainz my ds had two friends who tried to light an aerosol can in their garden, they were 15. Ds told me and I told their parents because it’s so dangerous and they got read the riot act.
Teenagers do stupid things.
But even they did it outside.

Your dp is not 15, he knows better.
He did it as a threat.

DoloresODonovan · 27/01/2025 20:02

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/01/2025 18:47

‘I don’t know where I go from here”. I’m pretty sure you do know and you’ve got to do it, and pdq ….like yesterday!

Don’t beat yourself up regarding possible previous red flags, you say you weren’t aware of any. But this stunt is a biggie, it’s huge, way too big and dangerous to ignore. Ignore and I wonder what his next stunt will be, cause sure as eggs are eggs, there will be one!

yes, this usually escalates, to destruction of property
If you have a garage bring your car in - this is twofold, as it keeps your car untampered with and he won’t know if you are home.

Obviously keep your curtains closed in the evening.
Should the police interview you ask for a sweep of your car for tracking devices
You should have a panic button installed too.
Secure any shed
Keep pets inside if possible.

as @Onthemaintrunkline said, you would not have picked up on any red flag
as he was too careful.

Please rid your home of his belongings asap which removes his reason for contact

Numberwangggg · 27/01/2025 20:03

He’s a psycho. Who does that? Why are you even questioning this?

UrsulasHerbBag · 27/01/2025 20:04

Definitely find out about using Claire’s law. This is not normal behaviour and it will escalate. You have children and this man is not suitable to be around them or you.

Iamoldandwearpurple · 27/01/2025 20:06

@ACandleOnAGinBottle I know you say you didn't feel threatened but please for your own safety and that of your children, report this to the police. Ask them to put a flag on your address. Just in case...

This man threatened to set fire to your home with you in it.

Previous red flags are irrelevant, focus on this incident.

That is absolutely not normal behaviour. And remains calm and collected whilst doing it is borderline psychopathic behaviour.

Please please please protect yourself. Make sure your smoke alarms are all working, test them tonight.

If you have family then go and stay with them for a few days. You need to protect yourself.

Do not allow this man back into your life.

DoloresODonovan · 27/01/2025 20:08

Nellyelephanty · 27/01/2025 19:56

You should be scared of him!! That’s fucking psycho behaviour!!

You’re right @Nellyelephanty which is why he did it -
as the OP stood up to him (in her own home!)

I would be deep cleaning, dettolling everywhere and burning sage.

Dr Jekyll has left the building for sure .

Sunbeam01 · 27/01/2025 20:11

That's seriously unacceptable behaviour.

Please separate and do not give him a second thought. This is a major red flag particularly as you have children.

As others have said, I would report this to the police.

DoloresODonovan · 27/01/2025 20:14

also OP, mentally adjust the tenses in your narrative : he WAS kind caring patient etc.

DinosaurMunch · 27/01/2025 20:15

The fact that you are considering taking him back means that you are very vulnerable. It's not a normal reaction, as shown by reactions on this thread - most people would run a mile. Tell your friends and family about this incident

Littleblackcatsmum · 27/01/2025 20:18

Oh that's so scary. Even more strange he said it calmly. Please leave him. This is in no way part of a normal argument. It's very controlling, sounds like a psychopath.

MonkeyToHeaven · 27/01/2025 20:22

I can't believe someone would leap to this if they hadn't done this exact same thing before.

He's given you a glimpse of who he is, believe it and move on.

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 20:23

OP he is a complete pyscho. Please, please dump him immediately!! He is dangerous. Do not allow this man around your children. And please get therapy, the fact that you don't know where to go from here is disturbing. It's so obvious that the relationship has to end IMMEDIATELY! Please take are of yourself and your children.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 27/01/2025 20:23

heyhopotato · 27/01/2025 19:21

Start? Mild?

This is 0 to 1000.

This isn't, "you look old today haha only joking" starter territory. This is full on serial killer level from nowhere.

Show quote history

Yes, these men do things like this at the start of boundry pushing, that can be passed off as "just a joke", people who know him as this nice guy would 100% think op was over reacting because such a nice guy obviously wouldn't mean it.

I was in a relationship like this for years,I have been in 2 refuges and spoken to many women who's abusive relationships started pretty much like this, so you really don't need to lecture me thanks.

Smittenkitchen · 27/01/2025 20:24

I think the fact that he was saying it almost in a jokey way completely points to the fact that it's boundary pushing and testing the ground for further more extreme actions. And the fact that you didn't feel scared just suggests that you're used to mistreatment, unfortunately, so it feels almost familiar. It doesn't mean he isn't dangerous. Please end the relationship and stay safe.

AlertCat · 27/01/2025 20:24

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 18:17

I would be reporting this to the none emergency police so that it’s on record.

Please do a Claire’s Law check too.

This all day long (I only read the first page so far but I imagine this has been repeated and repeated). That’s truly scary.

Switcher · 27/01/2025 20:24

Block him, change your locks, and I would go to a police station and report a threat of arson, explaining exactly what happened.

LoyalMember · 27/01/2025 20:26

He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. What a weird and terrifying thing to do. What next, he'll brandish an axe and say you and your family's going to get this? Get him so far to f#ck, please...!

Crumpleton · 27/01/2025 20:27

Despite the fact you didn't feel scared I'd be more concerned that he was very calm and not at all angry....that's not light hearted what he said wasn't normal conversation either

To me that sounds as though he's a bit of a psycho, for want of a better word.

I'd think twice before you let him back into your home especially with DC.

MadCatHag · 27/01/2025 20:28

You nailed it when you said "too good to be true" - check his past with that police record thing - forget what it's called but he sounds like a psychopath.

LostittoBostik · 27/01/2025 20:30

Do not let it go.

He has shown you who he is. Thank god, before this went any further.

End this relationship.

vandel · 27/01/2025 20:30

If you were both downstairs it would have been knives for all of you.

whaddayawannado · 27/01/2025 20:30

OMFG. It is genuinely horrifying that he could even begin to think of doing anything like that. Please end it immediately, you simply cannot take any risks at all with this man, that behaviour is seriously scary.

I agree with a pp who said call the police.

Sometimesright · 27/01/2025 20:30

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

Have you done Claire’s law?
seriously run and don’t look back!
he is a psychopath! Who would even think of doing something like that !!

LostittoBostik · 27/01/2025 20:32

Smittenkitchen · 27/01/2025 20:24

I think the fact that he was saying it almost in a jokey way completely points to the fact that it's boundary pushing and testing the ground for further more extreme actions. And the fact that you didn't feel scared just suggests that you're used to mistreatment, unfortunately, so it feels almost familiar. It doesn't mean he isn't dangerous. Please end the relationship and stay safe.

Agreed.

It's boundary pushing and terrifying. Definitely report it.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/01/2025 20:35

It really saddens me that so many people on this post get her name wrong. Clare's Law was named after Clare Wood. Please be respectful and spell her name correctly.

@mistymountainz really, there is no coming back from this. This man is unhinged. He's shown you who he is now. You should submit a Clare's Law request tonight, and report him tonight also to the police. Never contact this man again. Please also tell friends and family, so that people know. It's important for both your and your children's safety.