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Original poster

Help - boyfriend doesn't trust me

186 replies

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:43

name change for this -

My boyfriend of approx 5 months doesn’t trust me. I haven’t done anything to make him doubt me, but he has serious trust issues of his own which then project onto our relationship. He finally opened up fully about his insecurities last night (phone call) that he does not 100% believe he is the only man in my life - he is and time after time I have told him this, reassured him and gone out of my way to show him transparency with my phone. He has many demons and allows these intrusive thoughts to create a false character of me when we are not together and it’s really taking its toll. After our chat last night, we agreed (again) we will continue to work through them together. I woke up this morning to find out he started following me again on socials.. to then he confessed he had blocked me on everything as his thoughts took over and he was up being sick all night with anxiety about me. He’s now in a complete hole and is thinking very negatively.

please can someone just advise on how I get through this with him? I honestly love him so much and can see my future only with him, but I also need to have more solid boundaries for myself where I’m not constantly wondering if I’m going to be ignored or blocked today.

just to add, he does suffer with depression

thanks for reading if you got this far and please be kind x

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 26/01/2025 08:45

Dump him - he’ll ruin your life.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/01/2025 08:46

You don't work this through because you can't. He will not fundamentally change, he is making you miserable and he is exerting control by checking up on you and manipulating you.

Run. Be happy.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2025 08:47

His mental health is not your responsibility. You are not his saviour. You do not have to tie yourself in knots to placate his mental health problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if he very soon asks you (or you decide to because he’s got you tied in such knots) to start modifying what you do and where you go.

If I were you I’d cut my losses now. This is only going to get worse. He is not ready to be in a relationship.

Herewego25 · 26/01/2025 08:48

There is no future- sorry. After only 5 months you WILL get over him. I have been married a long time with children and a mortgage etc. but despite that I would still leave dh if he did this.

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:49

Just to add - i have 2 DD’s. He has no children

OP posts:
KnittingOnEmpty · 26/01/2025 08:49

Only 5 months in and it's like this? You're not going to be his saviour and it's unlikely to get any better. How old are you?

Don't waste any more time on him.

BlondeFool · 26/01/2025 08:49

Dump him. It'll only get worse. This is horrendous at 5 months. Don't waste your life.

ilikeeggs · 26/01/2025 08:50

You can’t fix him. Leave now before it gets worse.

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:50

KnittingOnEmpty · 26/01/2025 08:49

Only 5 months in and it's like this? You're not going to be his saviour and it's unlikely to get any better. How old are you?

Don't waste any more time on him.

I am 34, with 2 DD’s

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 26/01/2025 08:51

Don't bring your children into a toxic relationship. His behaviour is so far off the scale abnormal.

Pashazade · 26/01/2025 08:51

Nope, he cannot be fixed. Do not waste your time you're not hopelessly in love it's only been 5 months. Walk away now whilst your sanity is still intact. Your children need a functioning mother and this will eat you up if you stay.

ButtCheeks · 26/01/2025 08:52

Run for the hills

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:52

It’s hard because we have known each other a long time, and we dated 13 years ago (we were very young and the time was not right).

When we found each other again, we clicked instantly. It’s just a huge shame to throw it away over his insecurities

OP posts:
thehorsesareallidiots · 26/01/2025 08:52

He has much, much bigger problems than you can help him with. Your dynamic is already very unhealthy - it's for him to find ways to deal with his feelings that don't involve you, not for you to bend over backwards providing 'reassurance'. Your world will end up very small if you stay in this relationship.

What has caused you to take on a 'project' like this instead of recognising that this is not someone ready for a relationship?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/01/2025 08:53

The second i read your title i answered in my mind "then get rid of him". It's really as simple as that. Stop all the bullshit trying to "prove" yourself to him. Nothing you ever do will be good enough and abuse will ramp up. You don't "love him so much" after 5 months. Get a grip. It's just infatuation and codependency. Please seriously educate yourself about healthy relationships as this is not healthy.
If you choose to stay with him then don't be surprised if your life ends up miserable. Sorry for the harsh tone I'm just sick to the back teeth of seeing these relationship dynamics and seeing the violence that can ensue from it all over the headlines. Do you think the ones who battered and murdered their partners started out like that from the outset? No. They started out just like this.

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:54

thehorsesareallidiots · 26/01/2025 08:52

He has much, much bigger problems than you can help him with. Your dynamic is already very unhealthy - it's for him to find ways to deal with his feelings that don't involve you, not for you to bend over backwards providing 'reassurance'. Your world will end up very small if you stay in this relationship.

What has caused you to take on a 'project' like this instead of recognising that this is not someone ready for a relationship?

I guess for me it’s knowing that we all have insecurities and no one is perfect. I would hate for my insecurities to be shunned, however it’s just getting too much.

i am all about creating emotional safety in a relationship, but I think perhaps I’m putting my needs to the back now because I’m always trying to reassure him and make sure he is ok

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 26/01/2025 08:54

He needs to concentrate on his mental health and getting better. He isn't a place where he can have a healthy relationship right now. Long term the best thing you can do for both of you is end this relationship and tell him he needs to see someone, a doctor, a psychologist, he needs to find a way to fix his mind and that doesn't mean you bending over backwards to reassure him. Too much reassurance actually makes anxiety worse, because the brain starts to wonder if there's no need to worry why do you keep providing reassurance.

BlondeFool · 26/01/2025 08:54

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:52

It’s hard because we have known each other a long time, and we dated 13 years ago (we were very young and the time was not right).

When we found each other again, we clicked instantly. It’s just a huge shame to throw it away over his insecurities

It's not 'insecurities'; it's toxic and controlling behaviour. Soon you'll start adapting your behaviour to appease him. You will not have a happy life with him. I wish I had realised 5 months in.

Namechangeforthis88 · 26/01/2025 08:54

He's not ready to be in a relationship. He may never be. Only he can change that. There is nothing you can do to fix it.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/01/2025 08:54

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:52

It’s hard because we have known each other a long time, and we dated 13 years ago (we were very young and the time was not right).

When we found each other again, we clicked instantly. It’s just a huge shame to throw it away over his insecurities

That's his problem not yours hun

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:54

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/01/2025 08:53

The second i read your title i answered in my mind "then get rid of him". It's really as simple as that. Stop all the bullshit trying to "prove" yourself to him. Nothing you ever do will be good enough and abuse will ramp up. You don't "love him so much" after 5 months. Get a grip. It's just infatuation and codependency. Please seriously educate yourself about healthy relationships as this is not healthy.
If you choose to stay with him then don't be surprised if your life ends up miserable. Sorry for the harsh tone I'm just sick to the back teeth of seeing these relationship dynamics and seeing the violence that can ensue from it all over the headlines. Do you think the ones who battered and murdered their partners started out like that from the outset? No. They started out just like this.

No I really appreciate your honesty, thank you x

OP posts:
rubiconartist · 26/01/2025 08:55

You need to end it. That was going to be my advice before I saw you have children because it will be difficult and toxic.

You have to protect your children from his paranoia and the risk of his behaviour escalating in more negative ways.

You can't save him, you can't change him.

sometimesmovingforwards · 26/01/2025 08:55

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:52

It’s hard because we have known each other a long time, and we dated 13 years ago (we were very young and the time was not right).

When we found each other again, we clicked instantly. It’s just a huge shame to throw it away over his insecurities

It would be a bigger shame to have your life ruined though.

Namechangeforthis88 · 26/01/2025 08:56

The huge shame would be if you sacrificed your happiness and wellbeing, and that of your children, in a futile attempt to make this relationship work.

healthybychristmas · 26/01/2025 08:56

You will never be able to stop him from being paranoid. Honestly if it's like this after five months it's going be a hell of a lot worse after five years. You have given him no reason to mistrust you. If I were you I would end the relationship because it sounds miserable now and if you continue it would be even more miserable.

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