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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - boyfriend doesn't trust me

186 replies

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:43

name change for this -

My boyfriend of approx 5 months doesn’t trust me. I haven’t done anything to make him doubt me, but he has serious trust issues of his own which then project onto our relationship. He finally opened up fully about his insecurities last night (phone call) that he does not 100% believe he is the only man in my life - he is and time after time I have told him this, reassured him and gone out of my way to show him transparency with my phone. He has many demons and allows these intrusive thoughts to create a false character of me when we are not together and it’s really taking its toll. After our chat last night, we agreed (again) we will continue to work through them together. I woke up this morning to find out he started following me again on socials.. to then he confessed he had blocked me on everything as his thoughts took over and he was up being sick all night with anxiety about me. He’s now in a complete hole and is thinking very negatively.

please can someone just advise on how I get through this with him? I honestly love him so much and can see my future only with him, but I also need to have more solid boundaries for myself where I’m not constantly wondering if I’m going to be ignored or blocked today.

just to add, he does suffer with depression

thanks for reading if you got this far and please be kind x

OP posts:
thehorsesareallidiots · 26/01/2025 10:59

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 10:22

update - He called me this morning to say he felt much better and that he recognises his demons rear their head at night, and during the day he feels much better (which has always been the pattern)

So what? So he's 'graciously' letting you off the hook now but you'll be back on it soon enough when it's dark and you dare to have a life that doesn't revolve around him.

He didn't call you to tell you that he recognises his behaviour to you is unacceptable. He didn't call you to tell you he's contacted a therapist to work through this with. He didn't call you to tell you he's decided to set boundaries for himself so he doesn't act out this stuff on you. He called you to tell you, implicitly, that you'd better keep up the trying to placate him and being "good" or he'll escalate again.

BeachRide · 26/01/2025 11:02

Your children don't need or want this in their lives, OP. Sort it.

Bananalanacake · 26/01/2025 11:02

Don't let him move in with you, like ever. And don't introduce him to your DC.

JanefromLondon1 · 26/01/2025 11:04

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 10:22

update - He called me this morning to say he felt much better and that he recognises his demons rear their head at night, and during the day he feels much better (which has always been the pattern)

Realised he'd over stepped the mark too early in his ultimate goal of getting complete control over you and is dialling back.

There was a programme on late last night about a girl in Wales, called Jo Walsh or ward (she went by more than one name) her 4 boys are motherless now because she let a situation like this go in for too long.

5 months in and you're questioning yourself and worrying, it's still supposed to flowers and chocolates at this stage love not whoredom and demons.

TwistedWonder · 26/01/2025 11:07

JanefromLondon1 · 26/01/2025 11:04

Realised he'd over stepped the mark too early in his ultimate goal of getting complete control over you and is dialling back.

There was a programme on late last night about a girl in Wales, called Jo Walsh or ward (she went by more than one name) her 4 boys are motherless now because she let a situation like this go in for too long.

5 months in and you're questioning yourself and worrying, it's still supposed to flowers and chocolates at this stage love not whoredom and demons.

Show quote history

I’m watching My Lover My Killer on Netflix at the moment and the escalation of abuse is terrifying and it always starts off with (usually) women ignoring red flags and giving damaged men a chance.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2025 11:07

@Namechange2609

EX boyfriend if you have any sense
You can't fix him

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2025 11:08

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:54

I guess for me it’s knowing that we all have insecurities and no one is perfect. I would hate for my insecurities to be shunned, however it’s just getting too much.

i am all about creating emotional safety in a relationship, but I think perhaps I’m putting my needs to the back now because I’m always trying to reassure him and make sure he is ok

Show quote history

How about your children's needs?

Where do you think this could possibly go?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 26/01/2025 11:08

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 09:11

I think what I try to do, is project what I know a healthy relationship onto him but I KNOW I am not getting it back, and forever living in hope he will turn a corner

i am a sad cow aren’t I. Clearly I have very low self esteem and low expectations for myself which is so sad

Show quote history

You're not a sad cow - you know what you need to do for you and your DDs.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2025 11:10

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 10:22

update - He called me this morning to say he felt much better and that he recognises his demons rear their head at night, and during the day he feels much better (which has always been the pattern)

So?

You have to be his whipping boy every night then?

Bodeganights · 26/01/2025 11:11

I am struck by the fact 20 weeks in you are showing him your phone to prove or disprove things entirely in his head.

Not even 6 months, not even half a year and your showing him your phone. Can you imagine after 1 year, 2 years, 3 years. It wont be you showing your phone, itll be what you wear, how often you go out, how to treat your children, argument after argument or worse, you just giving in for a quiet life.

It's supposed to be the honeymoon period, where everything is sweetness, light, fun, romantic, flowers, nice meals, pub visits, spontaneous visits to whatever you like, sudden romantic trips to Prague for the weekend, wonderful sex, your favourite sweets brought back just because he loves you, all good things. And yet you are trying to prove a negative. You really need some help with your self esteem and your willingness to throw your life away as a saviour.

Dump him, run far, run fast.

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 11:13

Bodeganights · 26/01/2025 11:11

I am struck by the fact 20 weeks in you are showing him your phone to prove or disprove things entirely in his head.

Not even 6 months, not even half a year and your showing him your phone. Can you imagine after 1 year, 2 years, 3 years. It wont be you showing your phone, itll be what you wear, how often you go out, how to treat your children, argument after argument or worse, you just giving in for a quiet life.

It's supposed to be the honeymoon period, where everything is sweetness, light, fun, romantic, flowers, nice meals, pub visits, spontaneous visits to whatever you like, sudden romantic trips to Prague for the weekend, wonderful sex, your favourite sweets brought back just because he loves you, all good things. And yet you are trying to prove a negative. You really need some help with your self esteem and your willingness to throw your life away as a saviour.

Dump him, run far, run fast.

I needed to hear this, thank you x

OP posts:
Adamante · 26/01/2025 11:14

God I despise the “Trust Issues” bullishit.

Translation: I am going to project all the crap my ex did right onto you, make you miserable and trapped and if you complain I’m going to guilt you and add your name to the ever growing list of people who have wronged me that I use to justify being a massive drama queen in all my relationships.

If you’ve got “Trust Issues” then you should not be in a relationship at all, you’ve got no right to make the next person pay and that is abusive in itself!

Dump him OP, that’s it, get rid, now, this minute, send a text right this second. We’ll wait 😁

beAsensible1 · 26/01/2025 11:16

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 10:22

update - He called me this morning to say he felt much better and that he recognises his demons rear their head at night, and during the day he feels much better (which has always been the pattern)

I’m sure. So the demons will mean you can’t ever go out or have a social life. Or be unreachable for a few hours.

Semiramide · 26/01/2025 11:19

His issues are his - and there is nothing you can or should do. So stop trying to prove your fidelity or anything else.

However, you would benefit from reading Women Who Love Too Much and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem.

London22 · 26/01/2025 11:22

Been there, done that. RUN!!!!! He is just getting started.

5 months in and this is the nonsense you're dealing with. Do not continue to co-sign the dysfunction in your life. Focus on yourself and your children. This is not it. Do not offer him to move in with you to put his mind as ease. It's a tactic and a need for control.

RUN like your life depends on it.

SleepyHippy3 · 26/01/2025 11:31

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 10:16

Just to clarify, he didn’t call me a whore. He gets intrusive thoughts around him not being the only man in my life, and I referred to myself as a whore as he must be thinking this.

i also know this is not a healthy relationship, believe me i do. There’s a lot of good in our relationship, hence why i stay to try and make it work and to support him because no one is perfect and we all have our own issues, but it’s becoming detrimental when im not with him and that’s not right.

i really appreciate everyone’s advice and thoughts

But he’s not supporting of you in any actual real way, if he is so demanding and volatile. So he’s doing this to you now, and you are letting him. What will you do if he starts treating your daughters this way?

Hotflushesandchilblains · 26/01/2025 11:32

please can someone just advise on how I get through this with him?

I think the only way this can be worked through is if you take a break. It does not have to be permanent, but he needs to get some serious psychological support for his behaviours. I am worried that these thoughts may lead to danger for you.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 26/01/2025 11:45

@Namechange2609
I don't think you are a sad cow I think you must be a tough cookie to have weathered the storms so far. Having low self esteem or poor boundaries isn't a crime.
Unfortunately in life we come across damaged individuals or those with personality disorders. I did, when she dumped me (I'm gay) my friends spoke with one voice to say " Thank christ for that I hate her." I was still upset.
This is what's happening here, mumsnet is wise and full of experience everyone is saying he is a wrong un. I think you should listen. I should have. And put your love and energy into yourself and your kids. It will create a better happier life. This fellow might be gorgeous but he isn't going to treat you well. He is Willoughby from Sense and Sensibility. Watch the glorious version with Emma Thompson and tell me I'm wrong.

FantasticButtocks · 26/01/2025 12:01

This all sounds very draining for you, OP.

With all this reassurance you feel you are needing to give him, has it ever occurred to you that doing that, showing him your phone etc might actually be exacerbating his problem?

Every time you try to reassure him, what you are actually doing is confirming that his crazy thoughts are worth considering, that he is reasonable to voice them, reasonable to need and to require proof that you aren't doing something wrong. Which means he keeps doing it, keeps believing his own paranoia.

So instead of helping him, you are stepping in to his world of madness and validating his paranoid thoughts. You are joining in with it!

This needs to be recognised as his problem, and if he wants to be in a relationship, he needs to do something to address it.

SnoopysHoose · 26/01/2025 12:03

Time and time again these threads come up; women actively working against their own best interests.
Any man isn't better than no man.
End this today and block him, do not let this man into you and your daughter's lives.
He's not insecure, he's controlling and manipulative and it will get worse.

VaddaABeetch · 26/01/2025 12:12

I wonder did he have a few drinks in him when he rang last night? Sobered up & thought oops maybe I went too far, must throw her crumbs to reel her in?

Dickensives · 26/01/2025 12:15

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:52

It’s hard because we have known each other a long time, and we dated 13 years ago (we were very young and the time was not right).

When we found each other again, we clicked instantly. It’s just a huge shame to throw it away over his insecurities

Honestly. I have been in the exact same situation, down to being in a relationship with him 13 years ago, I have one DD and he started to say that I basically cheated on him by having a child after I knew him. It moved from being distrustful to out and out abuse. I was the reason he was an alcoholic. I was the reason he couldn’t bond with his own child (WHO I WAS NOT THE MOTHER OF!) it was insufferable. I became very unwell. I am telling you. GET OUT!!!! Happy to discuss more over PM if you prefer as some of the things I did and went through were horrendous

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 12:17

FantasticButtocks · 26/01/2025 12:01

This all sounds very draining for you, OP.

With all this reassurance you feel you are needing to give him, has it ever occurred to you that doing that, showing him your phone etc might actually be exacerbating his problem?

Every time you try to reassure him, what you are actually doing is confirming that his crazy thoughts are worth considering, that he is reasonable to voice them, reasonable to need and to require proof that you aren't doing something wrong. Which means he keeps doing it, keeps believing his own paranoia.

So instead of helping him, you are stepping in to his world of madness and validating his paranoid thoughts. You are joining in with it!

This needs to be recognised as his problem, and if he wants to be in a relationship, he needs to do something to address it.

The only times I reassure him, are when he brings up his insecurities. Otherwise I don’t reassure him directly if that makes sense x

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 26/01/2025 12:17

Can you really see a future with someone who doesn't trust you despite you not doing anything to make him distrust you. You would be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life.
He needs to fix himself before having a relationship with anyone

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 12:18

VaddaABeetch · 26/01/2025 12:12

I wonder did he have a few drinks in him when he rang last night? Sobered up & thought oops maybe I went too far, must throw her crumbs to reel her in?

He had not been drinking, he rarely drinks x

OP posts: