Help - boyfriend doesn't trust me

[Namechange2609]

name change for this -

My boyfriend of approx 5 months doesn’t trust me. I haven’t done anything to make him doubt me, but he has serious trust issues of his own which then project onto our relationship. He finally opened up fully about his insecurities last night (phone call) that he does not 100% believe he is the only man in my life - he is and time after time I have told him this, reassured him and gone out of my way to show him transparency with my phone. He has many demons and allows these intrusive thoughts to create a false character of me when we are not together and it’s really taking its toll. After our chat last night, we agreed (again) we will continue to work through them together. I woke up this morning to find out he started following me again on socials.. to then he confessed he had blocked me on everything as his thoughts took over and he was up being sick all night with anxiety about me. He’s now in a complete hole and is thinking very negatively.

please can someone just advise on how I get through this with him? I honestly love him so much and can see my future only with him, but I also need to have more solid boundaries for myself where I’m not constantly wondering if I’m going to be ignored or blocked today.

just to add, he does suffer with depression

thanks for reading if you got this far and please be kind x

Im so sorry you went through such an awful time, and thank you for sharing this with me. Feel free to PM me. I’m glad you got out x

Oh OP - It starts with you excusing and explaining his 'insecurities', and showing him your phone to prove a negative (impossible, BTW) and it ends with him denying you visits to friends/family/being alone/not with him anywhere, and CHECKING YOUR KNICKERS when you come in from work (If he allows you to work). (it happens, It's horrifying.)

Stop allowing it, stop excusing it, stop enabling it. You cannot stop his thoughts, you can't help him. He needs professional help - and he needs to do that without you.

It's not 'sweet', it's not 'caring - it's abuse and controlling and you should not entertain it in any way.

My God, you shouldn't be "trying to prove" anything 5 months in. This is the honeymoon period. Call it a day now before you end up tying yourself up like a pretzel trying to accommodate his trust issues.

You will become a shell of a woman, nothing your ever do will convince him you're not cheating - every text received, every phone call not answered, every time you go out with a friend, every time you're late from work, every time the bus is delayed, every work event, every time he thinks you made eye contact with a random bloke in the supermarket, everytime one of the dad's at the school gate says "morning" will be scrutinised with you trying to justify it all.

That's not a life sweetheart, you deserve better.

ETA: this was meant to quote one of the PPs about not reassuring him as that can add fuel to the fire.

100% agree with this. My DP has some mental health issues and I refuse to get into placating him or reassuring him when something is so ludicrous. I’ll even say “I’m not dignifying that with an answer!”

He’s getting support with his MH and takes steps himself to try and deal with the things on his mind but I know that I can’t fix him, it’s not my fault, I didn’t cause it and I can’t control it.

All I can do is to be a calm and stable presence for him, while holding enough of myself back that I won’t be destroyed by the ending of this relationship if his MH can’t handle it. That’s all you can do.

Having depression does not give him free rein to be a complete arsehole. I'm sorry OP, but unless he decides to do some serious work on himself and his trust issues, then there is no hope for this relationship.

The reality is that this WILL get worse and worse, until you can’t breathe.

Please be careful if you choose to stay with this man.
It's not your job to fix him and his paranoia and insecurities. You have given him access to your phone and whereabouts, which is more than you should have to. Before you know it, you will be watching what you wear or where you go, for fear of bringing about more insecurities. And then you won't see your friends and family and you will change into a different person. Please just be careful of you.

Fuck's sake.

Do you not realise exactly where this is going?

'I'd feel far more secure if we moved in together into your home, naturally because I'd know you were fully committed to Us'. or at the very least he's manipulating you to let him stay over as the poor baby suffers so terribly being apart from you at night. And then he just won't leave again, as you'll be 'trying to get him out of the house so you can meet your fancy man' or 'destroying my life, you're dumping me, I can't live without your love' if you suggest it's been six weeks, shouldn't he go home for a bit to avoid losing his place/his Mum will be wondering when he's coming back.

Then once you've either been railroaded or actually got convinced to say 'how about if you moved in? That way you'd always know I was coming home', you'd be accused of all sorts when you do the school run, go shopping, speak to a delivery driver, have a tradesman repairing something in your home, speak to a call centre, use the online chat ('that AI was clearly a man and not a robot and you want him to fuck you, too'), made eye contact with the 83 year old bloke at the bus stop, wear a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt, put on makeup, wash and brush your hair...

Chuck in a few comments about how he knows what you're like and what men are like and how much he's suffering because he loves you so much.

You've already put his thoughts into the perfect words.

A whore.

He doesn't just believe you're a whore. In his abusive, coercive, manipulative, vicious head, he knows it.

In his head, he knows you're a whore.

Dump by text and block immediately. Avoids the coercive control, the I KNEW you'd got yourself another man, I KNEW IT and the inevitable 'I'm at a cliff/bridge/driving/taken something and wanted to say goodbye forever' bollocks at 3am that'll follow.

This Today.

Well, while he's in this state of "insight", tell him he needs to get help/work on his issues before he wrecks his next relationship, the one after you.

It is not your job to try to fix him. You can't anyway and this is going to have a detrimental effect on your DDs if it continues, let alone the toll it will take on you.

Because normal relationships don't need anything proving.

Dump.

I'm thinking that in 6 months you'll be back here saying he's moved in with you (without asking) and he's punched you or is threatening suicide because you went out with female friends and a man joined the group and talked to you, he sounds that type.

You'd be mad to stay with him if you didn't have kids.

You'd be irresponsible to do so considering you do have kids.

Please don't waste time, energy and effort on this relationship that you could be investing elsewhere to enrich your life and that of your children.

You have daughters - the relationships you model to them will massively effect the decisions they make and partners they seek in their teen and adult years.

You can give them the gift of seeing a woman they love who will only consider relationships in which she is treated well all of them time and full respected OR being confidently and happily single because she won't tolerate being treated poorly.

What a gift you can give them! You'll be so proud to see them replicating that attitude themselves.

Please stop being in contact with this man and focus your energy on yourself and your daughters for now

Neverdropyourmooncup has it.
The only way you will be able to show him you aren't seeing or talking to someone else, is if you are never out of his sight. Never going out with your friends (he will be texting you constantly, he's so sorry, it's just that he's so anxious) until in the end it's just easier to stay home.
He'll move in. He'll be jealous of the attention you give to your DC.
There will be a constant exhausting cycle of him being controlling (only you won't see it as that) and then apologising. But your life will get smaller and smaller, you will get more and more unhappy, and you will never see it for what it is.
And whatever you do will never be enough. The goal posts will keep moving.
Or you can cut your losses now and get the hell out.
And try to figure out why you think it's your job to fix men like this.

You wouldn't be "throwing it away over his insecurities".

You'd be taking a sensible decision to end a toxic relationship in order to maintain yours and your children's safety.

And don't say he'd never do anything to hurt you. You don't know that, he's hurting you emotionally right now, so he's already showing you he's happy to do that. You have no way of knowing it won't escalate.

His issues aren't your problem. Your safety is.

You need to walk away. I had a lovely relationship with someone with undisclosed demons. It didn't end well for either of us. Put yourself and your children first.

Repeat this to yourself every single day

You need to finish with him before he restricts your life so much ends up ruining it, and your DC's lives in the process.

Time and again you see women on here justifying their jealousy and suspicions of their DPs, because "My last husband cheated on me" or "I grew up in an abusive household" or "Every man I've ever dated has cheated on me".

And I tell them all the same thing, that dating is NOT mandatory.

No-one has the right to let their own issues affect their partners negatively.

Have you dumped him yet...because you really, really need to

NEVER start a relationship with a fixer-upper. It's a recipe for disaster.

The best thing for him to do is be single and go into therapy. Staying in a relationship he can not manage is selfish.

You need to walk away and teach your children not to settle for being treated poorly.

Yeah he's probably up all night sniffing coke hence the paranoia

Agreed! Don't drag your daughters into this toxic chaos. It's not fair on them.

That's the whole point
You need to point blank NOT reassure him!!!! What about this aren't you getting?
You need to tell him loud and clear that he brings it up again he never sees you ever again. Grow a pair girl!!!
"Reassuring" him is pandering to it! It will get worse!
Imagine your DD's faces at YOUR funeral! "Oh he would never do that, that won't ever happen to me, it won't get that bad, he loves me too much". Yeah all those innocent women who are now lying dead underground probably thought that too. Honestly this subject touches such a nerve with me. TRUST ME IT ONLY GETS WORSE- IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN YOU DONT TOLERATE IT IN ANYWAY SHAPE OR FORM!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vf_Eg8v--4M