Help - boyfriend doesn't trust me

[Namechange2609]

name change for this -

My boyfriend of approx 5 months doesn’t trust me. I haven’t done anything to make him doubt me, but he has serious trust issues of his own which then project onto our relationship. He finally opened up fully about his insecurities last night (phone call) that he does not 100% believe he is the only man in my life - he is and time after time I have told him this, reassured him and gone out of my way to show him transparency with my phone. He has many demons and allows these intrusive thoughts to create a false character of me when we are not together and it’s really taking its toll. After our chat last night, we agreed (again) we will continue to work through them together. I woke up this morning to find out he started following me again on socials.. to then he confessed he had blocked me on everything as his thoughts took over and he was up being sick all night with anxiety about me. He’s now in a complete hole and is thinking very negatively.

please can someone just advise on how I get through this with him? I honestly love him so much and can see my future only with him, but I also need to have more solid boundaries for myself where I’m not constantly wondering if I’m going to be ignored or blocked today.

just to add, he does suffer with depression

thanks for reading if you got this far and please be kind x

You can't work through this, because the issue is entirely with him. Your boyfriend needs therapy to work through his insecurities and find a way of coping with intrusive thoughts. You can't 'cure' him. Unless your boyfriend seeks help, then this situation will never improve. You will spend the relationship constantly having to explain yourself, defend yourself, constantly reassuring him and walking on egg shells wondering what you're going to be accused of next. It's emotionally draining. In the end you will end up resenting him. His insecurities are not yours, and neither are they your fault. It's down to him, and him alone to seek help. I had a boyfriend many years ago, who is gorgeous but he was insecure and would accuse me of looking at other men/wanting other men etc. He'd hit the roof if a man looked in my direction, didn't like me seeing my friends etc. It was utterly draining. I left him, because his need for constant reassure, irrational thoughts, drove me away. I hadn't done anything wrong either!!

It's not a crime to have low self esteem. Work on yourself not him. You need to read this thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

And also try and do the freedom programme x

You are so right, I won’t ever be able to fix his intrusive thoughts and he needs professional help.

I’m sorry you went through that, and well done for walking away and knowing your worth. My boyfriend is gorgeous too, I honestly don’t know why he’s so insecure. I look at him and think why the hell are you with me! But then I know he thinks the same about me.. yet this isn’t about looks I’m not that shallow x

Wow I needed this thank you so much x

This is domestic abuse. I can see how this might head- using his jealousy to control you and what you can do. Gaslighting, isolating you. Perhaps threatening to hurt himself if you try to call it off. Get out now.

You're not sad at all. It is how many of us have been raised, to see defective men as the ultimate prize and compete to 'win' him.

It is very hard to break free of that programming. I think self 'improvement ' (i.e. gaining qualifications) can help a little, looking back over your parents' relationship and thinking about messaging you received from parents and grandparents can help a little.

Ultimately, you are all you need. It us a bonus when you find someone equally self sufficient to share things with.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You need a man, not a project or fixer upper. Given your chequered relationship history I think you have learnt an awful lot of damaging crap that needs to be unlearnt. Therapy for you would be something worth considering as would be the Freedom Programme.

Love is not enough and all he is doing now is dragging you (and in turn your kids) down with him. Would you want your DDs to be in a relationship like this is, likely not. So why he is apparently good enough for you at this time?. Women are also not rehab centres for badly raised men. An important lesson that has never been taught to you either.

This current man wants you in a cage of his own paranoid making and he is a terrible example of a boyfriend to be showing your children. Even if they do not see him they see all your reactions to him. He neither wants your help nor support; he likely latched onto you because you go back a long way. You clearly do not know him as well as you thought you did.

These types think that such women are so desperate for a man that they would put up with any old shit. If this is what it is like a mere 4 months in, imagine 4 years of this shitshow. You are bogged down in your sunk costs and that is not helpful either. End this codependent and otherwise dysfunctional relationship asap for your sake as well as your DDs. This is really no longer working for you.

You have been together for 5 months. This is the honeymoon period and realistically as good as it gets. It will only get worse. I'd end the relationship. You can't fix him. You can only work on yourself so you don't tolerate this shit.

There is no way through it with him.

This is his issue. He is already being abusive to you

You need to leave him.

Why on earth would you want your daughters to learn this is what a relationship is like? Is this what you want for them?

He'll ruin your life. Tell him it's not going to work out and run.

You need to leave

OP, just run for the hills. He’s never going to change. Depression doesn’t come into and it shouldn’t be used as an excuse for shitty behaviour. You say you love him, but if that’s all there is, than love is not enough. If he is treating you like this at 5 months can you imagine how he is going to treat you in a years time and beyond? And why are continually needing to reassure him, over his messed up insecurities? You are his partner, not his mum!

I often wondered the same with my then boyfriend, he is gorgeous, why are you with me. He didn't see that he was good looking, and hated attention on him, it made him uncomfortable. I had self-esteem issues myself, which stemed from being bullied at school. However, I didn't seek constant reassure, or went insanely jealous if a woman looked at him!! Unfortunately, after I split from him, I ended up in a much worse relationship. It took me splitting from this relationship, which was toxic to realising that I actually needed to work on me! I stayed single for over a year, and concentrated on building my self-esteem up. It was the best decision I ever made. I went into a new relationship, free from previous emotional baggage, and a much stronger person - in turn I got married and had a son. My advice would be to end your current relationship. Stay single for at least a year, and concentrate on healing you and raising your self-esteem. I get 'off' days where I still feel doubtful, but they are far and few between these days.

Even from practical point of view can you think about the energy you’re giving this? It’s exhausting.

Imagine that he spent 2 hours on a Saturday wanging on about his love of airfix models or football. Would you have given up 2 hours to listen to me me me & me.

If he recognises his insecurities/paranoia, what is he doing to address his issues?

I suspect the answer will be nothing.

He’s such a poor tortured soul. It’s the OP job to work out how to dance around, change her behaviours, please him. Undoubtedly he had such a challenging childhood & now women owe him.

It’s all about HIM.

There’s no relationship when it’s all about one person.

For the avoidance of doubt I had a challenging childhood & was in a relationship with a man like this. Even he didn’t show his true self until much later than 20 weeks

OP for the love of God you have 2 daughters and this insanity is only 5/6 months long. What kind of example do you want to set for your DDs? That this is what men are like?

Stop telling yourself that your future is with him only!! It's been barely a few months and he calls you a whore, wtf is this? How dare he do this to you!

Is this what you want your DDs to see? I hate being harsh in these situations but ffs grow up and get this absolute shit show out of your life!!

A man earlier this week pled guilty to killing his ex gf, her mum AND sister because of his insane paranoia after dating her for ONLY 6 months.

Wake up please. If not for you, for your DDs at least.

Whatever the cause (for example mental health, low self esteem etc) there is never any time in a relationship where the partner subject to the mistreatment (for example someone accusing them of cheating, being controlling etc) should be responsible for resolving the issue. You need to step back, take the freedom programme online or at your local children’s centre if you can, and work on your self esteem. The book overcoming low self esteem is a great place to start.

It really shouldn't be like this 5 months in - in fact, it shouldn't be like this EVER!
Put yourself and your daughters first because this man is not ready or able to be in a loving relationship right now.
It WILL get worse if you stay with him.

Look, this man is clearly mentally ill. There is nothing wrong with that. But he lacks insight and has no interest in addressing it. Instead he is making it your problem, and for some reason, you are agreeing with this. There is a lot wrong with that. Neither of you should be in a relationship if you don't see how unhealthy this is. It is harsh, but as a mother, you will be judged harsher for choosing to continue a relationship like this.

This will turn into you never going out, changing how you dress, cutting off males in your life, followed by all friends, constantly having your phone monitored etc, and it still will never be enough, because this is about control.

If you really believe he's just insecure, fine, but that's still his issue to resolve, not yours to pander to. He needs to get therapy, not for you to make your life smaller. Stop tolerating his behaviour, put down some hard you boundaries and tell him if he keeps accusing you, you will break up with him (which personally, I think you absolutely should do anyway). Don't let him around your daughters until he can behave like a reasonable human.

Dump him. He is using his insecurities as a stick to beat you with. These are huge red flags for abuse and control further down the road.

lastly, women are not here to be unpaid therapists for men.

Just to clarify, he didn’t call me a whore. He gets intrusive thoughts around him not being the only man in my life, and I referred to myself as a whore as he must be thinking this.

i also know this is not a healthy relationship, believe me i do. There’s a lot of good in our relationship, hence why i stay to try and make it work and to support him because no one is perfect and we all have our own issues, but it’s becoming detrimental when im not with him and that’s not right.

i really appreciate everyone’s advice and thoughts

No, you’re not sad. You seem caring and empathetic. But this isn’t a therapeutic relationship, it’s a romantic one, and your needs should be attended to as well. You should be having fun, feel supported, cared for and accepted.

Only he can deal with his intrusive thoughts, responses to these and need for reassurance - he needs therapy, not a GF. Please either pause the relationship until he engages in therapy to improve himself or walk away.

update - He called me this morning to say he felt much better and that he recognises his demons rear their head at night, and during the day he feels much better (which has always been the pattern)