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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - boyfriend doesn't trust me

186 replies

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:43

name change for this -

My boyfriend of approx 5 months doesn’t trust me. I haven’t done anything to make him doubt me, but he has serious trust issues of his own which then project onto our relationship. He finally opened up fully about his insecurities last night (phone call) that he does not 100% believe he is the only man in my life - he is and time after time I have told him this, reassured him and gone out of my way to show him transparency with my phone. He has many demons and allows these intrusive thoughts to create a false character of me when we are not together and it’s really taking its toll. After our chat last night, we agreed (again) we will continue to work through them together. I woke up this morning to find out he started following me again on socials.. to then he confessed he had blocked me on everything as his thoughts took over and he was up being sick all night with anxiety about me. He’s now in a complete hole and is thinking very negatively.

please can someone just advise on how I get through this with him? I honestly love him so much and can see my future only with him, but I also need to have more solid boundaries for myself where I’m not constantly wondering if I’m going to be ignored or blocked today.

just to add, he does suffer with depression

thanks for reading if you got this far and please be kind x

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/01/2025 14:02

The link i have posted is the young girl who was kidnapped in a van by her "partner" i highly suggest watching it x

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/01/2025 14:05

Yodabashi · 26/01/2025 12:29

Oh OP - It starts with you excusing and explaining his 'insecurities', and showing him your phone to prove a negative (impossible, BTW) and it ends with him denying you visits to friends/family/being alone/not with him anywhere, and CHECKING YOUR KNICKERS when you come in from work (If he allows you to work). (it happens, It's horrifying.)

Stop allowing it, stop excusing it, stop enabling it. You cannot stop his thoughts, you can't help him. He needs professional help - and he needs to do that without you.

It's not 'sweet', it's not 'caring - it's abuse and controlling and you should not entertain it in any way.

I had an ex who said I must have had "lads round" while he was in work because I'd had a shower. He used to threaten to throw me out the window.

Starlight7080 · 26/01/2025 14:07

I really hope he has nothing to do with your children. He obviously has mental health problems.
You need to be single and focus on your children and stop spending so much time and effort on someone who clearly needs help from professionals .
5 months and all this drama ! It won't get better you can't fix him

notatinydancer · 26/01/2025 14:15

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 10:22

update - He called me this morning to say he felt much better and that he recognises his demons rear their head at night, and during the day he feels much better (which has always been the pattern)

So that's ok is it ?
Of course not.
You'll be walking on eggshells all day.
Please dump him. You're 5 months in.
I hope your contraception is watertight.

jannier · 26/01/2025 14:18

365 nights of shit then every year....perfect

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 26/01/2025 15:16

No trust no point

plus you are not his fixer

to me this is hi: back footing and keeping you in line bloody dump him now and move on

Redruby2020 · 26/01/2025 15:22

Sometimes it's a tricky decision, because people will have problems and issues in life, but you can't and shouldn't try to help and work through all of them, and especially when the person admits and identifies as having these particular problems or issues, then the question is what are they doing about them?!
It's early days you can see it in two ways things can improve and could turn in to a better relationship. Or they carry on as they are.
Yes it means he would most likely go off if you broke it off with him, and continue suffering but what is the alternative, you can't live like this either?

Normallynumb · 26/01/2025 15:24

Get rid now.. His insecurities are not your job to fix and you'll end up being controlled so much you can't make your own decisions " in case it upsets him"
He should've got therapy before he was ready to date.
You're not a therapist
After 5 months, this is who he is

Redruby2020 · 26/01/2025 15:26

thehorsesareallidiots · 26/01/2025 08:52

He has much, much bigger problems than you can help him with. Your dynamic is already very unhealthy - it's for him to find ways to deal with his feelings that don't involve you, not for you to bend over backwards providing 'reassurance'. Your world will end up very small if you stay in this relationship.

What has caused you to take on a 'project' like this instead of recognising that this is not someone ready for a relationship?

He does you are right, and I say this as someone who has done this myself, but we as women think we can save someone we want to help, to heal, we take on too much and we let things go on a lot further than they should.
So hopefully OP will bring it to an end sooner rather than later.

Redruby2020 · 26/01/2025 15:28

'guess for me it’s knowing that we all have insecurities and no one is perfect. I would hate for my insecurities to be shunned, however it’s just getting too much.

i am all about creating emotional safety in a relationship, but I think perhaps I’m putting my needs to the back now because I’m always trying to reassure him and make sure he is ok'

You are putting your needs to the back.

As women we wait to see what happens this happens a lot, you don't need to do that.
Ok say you decide to see it through a bit more, where do you draw the line?

ohyesido · 26/01/2025 15:29

He's made it your fault that he was sick with anxiety? Because you're on social media?

How exhausting that must be

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 27/01/2025 14:12

ohyesido · 26/01/2025 15:29

He's made it your fault that he was sick with anxiety? Because you're on social media?

How exhausting that must be

No, he was sick because his anxiety was so bad and he then blocked me on everything including social media!

OP posts:
LRT88 · 27/01/2025 14:54

If there is no trust, there should not be a relationship.

You can only support so much when it comes to his "demons" he needs to take his own responsibility and get professional help.

Forget the part you knew him 13 years ago, that was then, this is now! and now you have 2 children to think about.

I think personally from what I have read it sounds like he is gaslighting you and already planting them seeds of doubt and self worth. Narcissists will always give a sob story for you to feel sorry for them and that you can be the one to "fix him" They always blame their victims of the reasons why they feel the way they do and/or their victims are the only one who can help. They try and isolate victims by making them think "if I don't go out I cant get into trouble or arguments wont start"

I also sense that you may have some insecurities yourself and that is why you are clingy to this mans attention. Is it love or infatuation? is it love or do you not want to be a single mum of 2 and worried no one else will want you? Find your self worth. Love yourself. Love should not be an upsetting experience.

He may have depression but the only person who can help him with that is himself. He needs professional help! Some of my friends and myself have depression and anxiety problems and we have never treated each other like crap and blamed it on our problems.

Please look after yourself and be safe. I would recommend to double check on if he is on Claire's Law and Sarah's Law, especially if you have children. A lot can happen in 13 years.

Also to add (because this has happened to me) - If he says he is elsewhere and is wanting to harm himself or unalive himself unless you see him. Find out where he is and call the police to get someone to find him. Don't sort it yourself, it is another form of manipulation and if the police go over they will give him the support he needs and if he was bluffing then he will look silly.

Fishergirl · 27/01/2025 15:38

OP - I'm not sure if this has been posted on this thread already or if I saw it on another? It might be helpful for you, in addition to the messages and responses you've received already.

https://chatgpt.com/g/g-v9SoCDxCp-brenda-frank-conversation-analysts

ChatGPT have a feature to help you identify gaslighting and manipulation. Type in your situation/scenario or example of a conversation with your partner and 'Brenda and Frank' respond to it with an analysis.
I found it very helpful when I tried it.

ChatGPT - Brenda & Frank: Conversation Analysts

Brenda & Frank are here to help you identify manipulation and gaslighting in conversations, providing detailed analysis and offering guidance on how to respond calmly and assertively.

https://chatgpt.com/g/g-v9SoCDxCp-brenda-frank-conversation-analysts

Vertigo2851 · 27/01/2025 16:41

Standard variety abuser. If he thought you were seeing others he would naturally call things off. Nobody wants to set themselves up for being cheated on.

What these men really mean is it angers them that you could. They’re jealous and angry about it.

Do not offer to show him your phone again.

ScottChegg · 27/01/2025 17:05

So, he has your attention when you're together, and then, when you're not with him he's ensuring that your attention is also on him because he's either having a paranoid meltdown over what you could possibly be doing, or no doubt you're anticipating it happening....

ScottChegg · 27/01/2025 17:13

And of course, he's such a victim with all his anxiety, so bad it makes him vomit and you rush to reassure the poor lamb and make sure he's ok... He's like a black hole OP, there isn't enough attention in the world to sort him out. You're pouring your love and reassurance into a bottomless hole.

Arlanymor · 27/01/2025 17:13

He shouldn’t be in relationship, he should be working on sorting out his issues. Please don’t let him drag you down with him. You need to put you and your children first. It’s only been five months, stop it now before you have five years of misery, walking on eggshells, trying to defend the indefensible. It is no way to live and you have had some really good advice on this thread, please follow it for your own happiness and sanity. End it now, you don’t owe him anything.

Vertigo2851 · 27/01/2025 19:59

My ex started off like this. He escalated badly and would accuse me of stuff when he knew I was at home with my baby. They think all women are slags and whores.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/01/2025 23:11

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 10:22

update - He called me this morning to say he felt much better and that he recognises his demons rear their head at night, and during the day he feels much better (which has always been the pattern)

What is he doing about the pattern? Seeing the problem clearly means nothing if he doesn't actually do anything to fix things. He could be the most amazing man and the exact right person and all those things you're telling yourself he is and it wouldn't matter because this is the completely wrong time in HIS life to have a healthy relationship. He is completely incapable of having a healthy relationship right now no matter how much he wants it and no matter what you do you can't fix this. He can't even fix this, not while in the relationship. He needs to focus on his mental health and he can't do that while his focus is divided like this and while his negative mental pathways are constantly being reinforced by his anxiety. It's like how an alcoholic has to stop hanging out in pubs as well as getting support to even have a chance of getting sober. He needs to stop having relationships and get professional help to even have a chance at fixing his mental health and the distorted mental patterns he's stuck in.

CherryCake88 · 28/01/2025 00:21

Ah I’m sorry OP but he must work on his own issues and love himself before you can be together and love him.
It will be so exhausting for you and it’s not your problem to fix. He clearly has severe trust issues from past experiences. He needs to work through them himself before he commits to a relationship.
Of course trust is built with each other the longer you’re together, but if there is no reason why he can’t trust you then it’s totally unreasonable for him to act this way. Xx

yellowsun · 02/02/2025 09:38

How are things OP? Did you try the experiment about going out with friends?

Original poster
Namechange2609 · 16/02/2025 14:48

Sorry for the late reply - it’s over and I walked away. I just needed time but it got so much worse, I feel like a broken woman but I can start to look forward from here.
The last of the trust scandal was I must be engaging with someone else because some man was always at the top of my instagram following.. honestly an absolute man child! But on top of that he called me a C and told me to shut the fuck up, neither of which he thought were an issue amongst other abuse. Good riddance

OP posts:
Fishergirl · 16/02/2025 14:54

Namechange2609 · 16/02/2025 14:48

Sorry for the late reply - it’s over and I walked away. I just needed time but it got so much worse, I feel like a broken woman but I can start to look forward from here.
The last of the trust scandal was I must be engaging with someone else because some man was always at the top of my instagram following.. honestly an absolute man child! But on top of that he called me a C and told me to shut the fuck up, neither of which he thought were an issue amongst other abuse. Good riddance

Well done on kicking him into touch. He sounds like an absolute pathetic excuse of a man. I'm sure you will feel stronger and better every day. 💐

Glorybox2025 · 16/02/2025 14:57

Namechange2609 · 26/01/2025 08:54

I guess for me it’s knowing that we all have insecurities and no one is perfect. I would hate for my insecurities to be shunned, however it’s just getting too much.

i am all about creating emotional safety in a relationship, but I think perhaps I’m putting my needs to the back now because I’m always trying to reassure him and make sure he is ok

Show quote history

These are not insecurities, they are signs of a controlling and emotional abusive man. You will never be able to reassure him enough and you'll shrink your world smaller and smaller until he's the only thing in it. It will affect your relationship with your children. I'm sorry but you have to put your sensible head on and end it.