Help - boyfriend doesn't trust me

[Namechange2609]

name change for this -

My boyfriend of approx 5 months doesn’t trust me. I haven’t done anything to make him doubt me, but he has serious trust issues of his own which then project onto our relationship. He finally opened up fully about his insecurities last night (phone call) that he does not 100% believe he is the only man in my life - he is and time after time I have told him this, reassured him and gone out of my way to show him transparency with my phone. He has many demons and allows these intrusive thoughts to create a false character of me when we are not together and it’s really taking its toll. After our chat last night, we agreed (again) we will continue to work through them together. I woke up this morning to find out he started following me again on socials.. to then he confessed he had blocked me on everything as his thoughts took over and he was up being sick all night with anxiety about me. He’s now in a complete hole and is thinking very negatively.

please can someone just advise on how I get through this with him? I honestly love him so much and can see my future only with him, but I also need to have more solid boundaries for myself where I’m not constantly wondering if I’m going to be ignored or blocked today.

just to add, he does suffer with depression

thanks for reading if you got this far and please be kind x

I’m really concerned that you are not taking on board these comments. I imagine this isn’t the first time he has made reflections like this. He will not change. I would also recommend making a Claire’s Law request.

What good is in your relationship?. What’s your version of good here?.

Are you basically saying you now need to be with him all the time for things to be right?.

You cannot make what is an already dysfunctional relationship work on your own or for it to somehow become more healthy. You are setting yourself on fire here to keep him warm and your codependent tendencies are not helping you or for that matter him.

NRTFT

It isn't your job, or your responsibility, to fix his mental health, or his insecurities

Concentrate on yourself and your DC

Do not expose your children to this relationship and this man’s psychotic trust issues.

The dynamic is unbelievably toxic - even down to you being ‘unable to see a future with anyone else’ even though you’ve only known the bloke a hot minute.

You can’t fix him, he’ll just end up dragging you all into the black hole with him and destroying your happiness and mental health. Christ, if he’s being like this after less than 6 months, you’ll be on your knees after a year of it.

Sorry to be brutal, but you have a responsibility for the sake of your daughters as well as yourself to dodge the bullet that is coming towards you at speed.

The advice you’ve been given on this thread and the resources people have recommended will hopefully help you get your head on straight.

Insecurity leads to jealousy, leads to aggression. Before you know it your life is being controlled and you're explaining where you've been (if you even bother going out at all) because it's not worth the aggro you will get if you do.

RUN. FAST.

Manipulative as fuck!!!! I'm concerned you aren't taking this seriously.

I work in safeguarding in a school and I see this situation over and over again. There are no positive relationship or personality features that will make up for the abuse that will, I guarantee, escalate. You are not able to see the big picture so well as he will have been using strategies to make you feel sorry for him. Men using mental ill health is a common recognised DV/A control tactic. Why don’t you ring the National domestic abuse helpline and talk through?

And the cycle will continue endlessly I til he’s worn you down completely.

The cycle of control/abuse is always the same. They throw enough hood guy crumbs to keep you thinking they can change - they can’t and they won’t.

This is as good as it gets. Protect yourself and your DC from him and walk away

A lot of controlling men use 'insecurity' and previously being cheated on as an excuse for controlling and jealous behaviour. In reality they just want to manipulate you (play on your sympathy) and control you. The fact that you feel you have to show him your phone to prove you're not cheating after only 5 months is very concerning - this will only get worse.

His issues are his issues and it's up to him to get help and work on them. He should not be in a relationship if he is unable to trust you.

Please don't stay with him - you are sleepwalking into a dangerous situation. Get away from him now before you get more involved and will find it harder and harder to extricate yourself.

Test it if you are having trouble believing us. Plan a night out with friends at a bar and tell him. I guarantee he will ramp up the jealous and controlling behaviour.

Sorry OP, not what you want to hear, but this really isn't a good idea. His behaviour is either abusive or possibly a form of intrusive thoughts/OCD. Neither of which you can fix.
I really really wouldn't bring children into this mix.

Well that's great for him but I still think you should run a mile. He's going to do this over and over again until he wears you down and you'll end up not doing things or going places because of him, but it still won't be enough for him.

This. Or a weekend away with the girls. Guarantee he will go mad!

How are your relationships with friends since you’ve been with him?

In the bin immediately

All this emotional drama is diverting your available headspace away from your children who need you.
Get rid of him OP. He should benefit your life in positive ways. I don't see what you "love" about him. Nothing you write about the situation describes a loving, positive situation.

I have been distracted - admittedly and I’m not seeing my friends as much as I was which I know is normal in a new relationship but I do need to put my efforts back out there.

Please walk away now before you get far too deep into this relationship. It will get worse as time goes on and usually men are paranoid because their own behaviour is despicable.

Massive red flag his controlling will get worse the deeper in you get. You won't have friends, he will choose your clothes..I saw you look at that man......common you know what will happen so many women end up in abusive relationships that start this way.

Leave for your child’s sake. This is not the man you want in your life nevermind with children.

Work on why you are lowering yourself to accept this sad excuse of a man.

How does that help you? Your acting like this is a revelation.

He doesn't trust you. Your 5 months in and I guarantee it won't get better.

Does his behaviour limit what you do? Are you avoiding going out? Are you making yourself avaliable to reassure him in the evenings? Are you taking a photo to prove where you are?

I bet the next suggestion will he that he'd feel better if he was with you. AKA let me move in.

He needs to work on his own shit and stay single until he's done that.

His insecurities are not a reason to let this continue. He’s already domestically abusing you, controlling you with his moods, checking your phone. This will only get worse

He is seriously mentally unwell, This will not get better. He is not in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist.

he will start to control you going out and you will start to prioritise keeping him happy over everything else

do you want your children in this kind of relationship?

there are lots of gorgeous men out there without this shit

No it’s not normal in a new relationship. Keeping your routine up with friends and not losing that for a man is essential otherwise you’re setting the pattern for going forward.

Like other PP I don’t think you seem to be taking any of the comments onboard. Please take this seriously - the red flags are obvious if you take off your rose tinted specs and start seeing them.

This is the start to very scary story where eventually your freedom is restricted, you don’t see you friends and he starts picking and dropping you from work.

please get rid. He’s starting the emotional manipulation