DH said I’m ’not unattractive’

[XNotquitereadyX]

My DH asked me if I thought he was attractive. I asked in what sense ie looks, personality, etc. I obviously said of course he is attractive and he is a good catch. I then asked him the same question. This was all said very casually.

he said I wasn’t unattractive. I’m older so have aged and I used to be much more attractive.

I told him he has knocked my confidence. He doesn’t really see that he has said anything wrong. I just feel like he no longer finds me attractive. We also haven’t had sex for ages which now explains things.

oh also I’m currently heavily pregnant so don’t feel myself at all.

When he said I wasn’t unattractive, I asked him what he meant. He said that I had obviously aged since we first met

so have you DH - look in the mirror

and used to be really attractive when younger.

I’m even more attractive now DH as pregnant women bloom.

He then said generally men age better than women.

the important word here is generally DH

Did he ask you if you find him attractive as he doubts you find him sexy?
You shouldn’t have to be polished and groomed to the hilt every day so don’t question your appearance. You come over as a lovely person and being heavily pregnant are perfectly natural in shape and size. Don’t allow his insecurities to affect you. Smile in the mirror and remind yourself you’re a star.

You can feel attractive at any age and it has nothing to do with size. So far in life I have never felt more attractive than heavily pregnant when my body was huge compared to before and a gold few years older than you! So what I'm saying is here it's all in the mind. I know many women in their 70s+ who feel attractive.

If he cheats in the future look back on this as a red flag. You may not think his comment was malicious but it's shown you your worst fears of yourself by the sounds of it and that's not what our cheerleaders are supposed to mirror back to us. It's hard to maintain high self esteem married to someone like him, as you're finding out.

I think I would have responded with well it's a good job the kids not yours. Joke.

Arsehole man.

Ouch, that must really sting. I wonder if he's said it in retaliation to you asking 'in what sense?' when he asked if you find him attractive. Asking that indicates that your answer isn't yes in all senses. It doesn't excuse his response, but might explain why he's been so hurtful.

Let yourself go.... You're pregnant!

I'm slim and attractive (I think) but bloody hell I didn't even have ankles by the end of my pregnancy 🤣. There are some women who glow but most of us just feel like blobs at that time. I'll echo what everyone else said, he's being a cunt.

Yes, seeing you are going to show your husband this thread, of course she is bloody upset! Maybe is English not your DH’s first language? “Not unattractive” is classic British understatement speak in a similar way to “quite good” meaning really bad.

He said that on purpose, he's the one that started the conversation! So he could tell you he thinks men (him) age better and that you are unattractive. He is just a cunt, no-one is that stupid. I'm sure my DH lied his arse off telling me I looked attractive while I was pregnant. That is what a man that loves you does. At the very least keep his mouth shut on the topic.
How DARE he do this while you are heavily pregnant with his baby! I would be extremely suspicious of what his motives are with that conversation.

Abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy. Keep this in mind.

So he negged you while you're heavily pregnant - with HIS child. Nice.

"Not unattractive" is SUCH a lukewarm response. I'd have wanted to push his face into a cream pie.

OP, try to rely on yourself and no one else for your confidence. Actually, we should all do that. Fack what your H thinks. If you're happy, that's all that counts. And no one twisted his arm into marrying you and impregnating you. 🤬

I just love the way that some men show their arseholery once their female partner is (they think) vulnerable and tied down. Well, you show him that you don't care what he thinks, because your self-esteem isn't dependent on him, and you're happy anyway, regardless of what he thinks!

If he says anything else, say, "Really? That's funny, because I feel pretty attractive. How odd you are."

And volunteer how beautiful being pregnant makes you feel. Doesn't matter if it's true or not, he needs to see your wall of confidence.

Arsehole, arsehole, arsehole. So mad on your behalf.

OP, open your eyes.

this man is talking about the woman (you) who is carrying his child!

what an ugly personality, shallow, controlling. He isn't a catch believe me!

he was happy for you to stroke his ego, then give you the killer blow that you're "not as attractive as you used to be".

It's got a name, it's called negging.

it's a tactic used by abusive controlling men to make damn certain you don't feel attractive or confident. Meanwhile they are free to get out there and strut their stuff, with you trapped in the home. He's got you where he wants you. Sorry to say it in such stark terms, but there's no sugar-coating this situation.

Sadly, I do. My ex-brother-in-law had a relationship with a woman 33 years his junior a couple of years after his wife died.

Two of my exh's friends regularly dated women 20-25 years younger. One of those men has now been married to a woman his age for some years, and the other one passed away of a DVT in his mid-forties, but at the time had been dating a young woman from a developing country who was about 23. I think he wanted someone he could control.

Yep.

Given that he raised the issue in the first place, it sounds like he is insecure and wanted to get a compliment and make himself feel better by putting you down.

There is a certain type of prick that puts a pregnant woman down.
Congratulations, that's what you have bagged yourself.

Generally women never forget it, and it is the beginning of the end for the relationship.

This is one of the most naive things I've ever read.

When will women learn men answer questions objectively and directly.
It's a ask stupid questions win stupid prizes situation.

My husband is on the spectrum. I read the posts to him. He was aghast . Is your husband particularly stupid? Really, lots of men don't age better than women - your husband almost certainly at his age has a hint of love handles, is not rocking a six pack and his hairline is not what it was. He obviously hasn't matured in terms of learning to firmly shut his mouth though.

Erm, did you even read the op? The husband asked her the question first, if she found him attractive. All the op did was return the question (which I assume was his plan all along).

He asked how attractive he was. It was OP who asked how attractive she was. There didn’t need to be a conversation about OP’s attractiveness. The conversation could easily have ended with her answer or moved on with “why do you ask”?

Just give it up will you? You appear on these type of threads constantly trying to tell women they are wrong to be upset with the behaviour of their nasty abusive men.

We see you - we know your game.

I read the OP. OP asked a question and unfortunately got an honest answer. It’s a risk you run when asking a question that’s sensitive for you.

When will women learn men answer questions objectively and directly.

Answering questions directly doesn't have to mean insulting your pregnant wife. He chose to say those words to her, he could just as easily have said "course, you're gorgeous".

Unless he is completely thick and without any social awareness - He WANTED to upset her.

I advise you all to ignore further negging from "that" poster 😉

I other circumstances, he might be suggesting you could be a hot wife.

You see me 😂 You know my game 😂

OP asked for opinions on the situation and I gave mine. He could have lied I suppose - but that wouldn’t have been better in my mind an my relationship.