DH said I’m ’not unattractive’

[XNotquitereadyX]

My DH asked me if I thought he was attractive. I asked in what sense ie looks, personality, etc. I obviously said of course he is attractive and he is a good catch. I then asked him the same question. This was all said very casually.

he said I wasn’t unattractive. I’m older so have aged and I used to be much more attractive.

I told him he has knocked my confidence. He doesn’t really see that he has said anything wrong. I just feel like he no longer finds me attractive. We also haven’t had sex for ages which now explains things.

oh also I’m currently heavily pregnant so don’t feel myself at all.

You should take things how they are meant - if it wasn’t malicious then let it go

No good man would attack his wife’s appearance randomly

Absolute cunt who asked the question knowing you would ask it back.

My ex once told me I was “not conventionally attractive”.

DH calls me beautiful all the time. There’s a better man out there Op.

This ^

As another poster said, he baited you into that. It’s a cruel and unpleasant thing for someone to do to their wife, particularly when you’re pregnant. It’s not the behaviour of a nice person or a good partner.

Gosh from your update it was far worse than him just saying you are " not unattractive ".
To say you had aged and that women don't age as well as men is just down right pointedly nasty.
Really, given he brought the subject up to get you to confirm his attractiveness, and then took the opportunity to be down right unpleasant about you and your age, I really would be wondering which younger woman he has his eye on.

Omg OP- I’m sending you a MASSIVE hug x Are there any other signs/red flags? How shallow and unkind that was of him. You’re growing his and your baby which is so incredible, feminine and BEAUTIFUL x Our society is so, so messed up- women’s worth is tied up in a very narrow concept of attractiveness. We can feel so vulnerable and at risk of abandonment when pregnant/ with little ones…and then there’s pressure to be sexy and attractive. Oh it can just rob the joy out of what’s supposed to be the happiest time of your life. If we lived on a different planet where we attracted men by gaining knowledge we’d all be desperate to improve our intellect. It’s the shit we’re living in. My personal rule is I don’t rule out ‘doing whatever I need to , to have a face/ body’ that I can face this cruel world with &get on with doing the things I’m passionate about (music/farming/activism) xx

I don’t think it was malicious. He quite often messes up his wording and says things the wrong way.

But I do think he inadvertently told me his true feelings ie that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

Obviously that’s really upsetting to hear. It’s not what I need to hear ever never mind right before birth. And it’s frustrating that he can’t understand that what he said was hurtful.

im not sure where the comment came from, we were in the middle of watching an episode of the traitors. I don’t think he has his eye on someone else but why would he be bothered if he was attractive to women.

Yes I can imagine he quite often 'messes up his words and upsets you.

His comments just go from bad to worse, but also sad to read your defending of him - you deserve better!

They’ve also obviously had sex in the last nine months! In my world (of babies and toddlers) that sounds very recent 😂

He really is a lovely person and very caring.

Compared to Putin and Hitler perhaps.

This certainly doesn’t sound like a ‘caring and lovely’ man. It’s the sort of stuff misogynistic arseholes say.

In what ways is he ‘lovely’?

He sounds ugly to me

My DH had no interest in sex when I was 30+ weeks (for all my three pregnancies). I doubt he found me attractive then, I was unbothered.

Sex fine 13 years after last baby.

Yes it's unusual for virtually every poster in the thread to agree that his comments were totally uncalled for , unpleasant, and not the words of a loving, caring DH.
And OP is really the only one defending him.

How I have no idea given his comments.

Unfortunately not. Our babies are ivf due to fertility issues.

Not cool on DH's part.
But I think it's the start of a conversation, not the end. I don't think you have to throw your marriage away because of it.

Oh FFS what a wanker. Men are significantly more likely to cheat when woman are heavily pregnant - it's awful, but men are shallow. Your figure and face will return to how it was before after a year or two pp (sometimes even sooner).

He's being such a dickhead. You look different at the moment because you're heavily pregnant - he hasn't "aged" better than you.

Honestly, I'd dump him over this comment. You've sacrificed your health to create his child and he says something like this. It's horrible.

im sorry, that was really insensitive of me. I didn’t think.

Do you two not have sex, OP?

Oh I'm really sorry. I did the same thing. I genuinely apologise. It was a flippant comment based on his nasty comments and how he makes you feel but I'm really sorry.

Oh FFS! When you said the part about being heavily pregnant! Does he have form for being astonishingly insensitive?

There is absolutely no need for that.

I couldn't read and run. Firstly, at 35, you're not "older". I was honestly expecting you to say you were in your 50s! I'm 38, and I swear my friends and I look far better in our mid-late 30s than we did in our 20s, because we've found our style and confidence. Sure, teens and 20-somethings are objectively attractive because they have good skin and less cellulite, but that's pretty much it!

Second, I was expecting you to be older than your husband, but it turns out he's the one staring down the barrel of 40. He's full of shit with the whole "men age better than women" thing - my DH has the same crows feet and salt and pepper hair as me. It's an old trope used by marketers of beauty products to convince women to spend money by convincing them they lose attractiveness as they age. Don't get me wrong, I'm buying into all the products! But I don't for one minute think my partner is ageing better, he's just lucky enough to be a man, so society ALLOWS him to show his age.

Also as PPs have said, when you age together, what you find attractive will (or should) adapt with it. When I look at photos of DH when we first got together in our 20s, my mind sees a baby, I don't ever think he looks hotter then than he does now. Because my attraction is relative to our age. To be honest I'd be very concerned that your DH is making comments about women being more attractive when they're younger and I'd be questioning if he's having a mid life crisis and hankering after a younger model (which is just icky).

Lastly, you're pregnant and he should be in absolute awe of you and what your body is doing. I'm also pregnant (and "older", lol) and I swear this is the most attracted DH has been to me in ages. We're not currently sexually active, my libido's sadly vanished in pregnancy, but he's been the most affectionate I've seen him in years. And to be frank it's the least a man should be like when his wife putting her body through it to give him a child. Any man who doesn't show respect and support to his pregnant partner is, as PP 1 concisely put it, a cunt.

You are still young, your body is amazing and you deserve to feel better than this OP.