DH said I’m ’not unattractive’

[XNotquitereadyX]

My DH asked me if I thought he was attractive. I asked in what sense ie looks, personality, etc. I obviously said of course he is attractive and he is a good catch. I then asked him the same question. This was all said very casually.

he said I wasn’t unattractive. I’m older so have aged and I used to be much more attractive.

I told him he has knocked my confidence. He doesn’t really see that he has said anything wrong. I just feel like he no longer finds me attractive. We also haven’t had sex for ages which now explains things.

oh also I’m currently heavily pregnant so don’t feel myself at all.

We should have a new MN acronym - FRNI.

What a horrible answer! Of course you’re going to feel a bit insecure after that. And he can’t see what he’s said wrong?? What a dozy fucker! While you’re pregnant with his baby! Thoughtless imbecile!

Just had my second at 44 and my friend had hers at 46. So 42 isn't a cap on pregnancy. Both of us conceived naturally incase anyone was wondering.

This genre of post is pointless, because context is everything and only the OP has the context.

Mean guy who puts you down constantly? He was being mean.

Cheerful chap with a turn of phrase? It's litotes. A compliment.

Kindly and loyal? Looks in life are fleeting, your relationship is much more than that.

It's unlikely that we on this board are a better judge of him than you are.

Apologies -- I may have misread the OP! In which case ignore me. If he added the bit about 'you've aged and don't look as good as you do' then that's not great.

If that was your own commentary then my comment still stands.

If this was an unusual question from your OP, I would suspect that he asked this deliberately so that you would be prompted to ask the same thing of him, and he could then tell you what's really on his mind (which would make him feel less guilty than just coming out with 'I'm not attracted to you').

Is there a possibility that he thinks you've 'let yourself go' as they say? Does he think quite highly of himself and think he deserves to be with some who looks blow-dried and made-up all the time?

Bullshit.

he said I wasn’t unattractive. I’m older so have aged and I used to be much more attractive.

Could you clarify, OP - is all of this a quote, or just "I wasn't unattractive" with the bit about ageing being context you've added?

Your DH has an ugly personality

@NotaCoolMum

Because you think I misread the OP? Fair enough. I think I probably did.

(If I didn’t mis-read then I stand by my observation. It’s very normal to give a complement with an understatement. Or maybe it was a horrible dig. The words on the page just don’t tell us. The OP was there. No point asking us what it was).

He really is a lovely person and very caring.

I got very upset about what he said and he said I was overreacting and it was just messed up phrasing.

I posted as I wanted to see if I was actually overreacting. I also couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see what he had said wrong.

I'd tell him to go and fuck himself and tell him he's no oil painting either. Then don't cook him any dinner for 2 weeks and don't do any of his washing. Bet the ignorant cunt will soon change his tune then

Btw I’m 35

I agree!

I think it hit a nerve as I actually feel like I’ve let myself go. I don’t feel ‘blooming’ anymore. I’m 35 weeks.

I mean that I don’t wear make up, I’m in my baggy pregnancy clothes, my hair isn’t washed as much as I’d like as it’s loads of effort while heavily pregnant.

pre-pregnancy I am a size 8 very petite and I just feel fat with my big belly.

I’m still unclear about whether the bit about you losing your looks was what he said to you, or your comment to us.

If he didn’t say that, and he’s normally a lovely guy, then it sounds to me like a compliment. In the vein of ”Not too shabby”, etc. Just keeping it light.

In that case, calling him all the names that he’s been called on this board seems well off the mark.

When he said I wasn’t unattractive, I asked him what he meant. He said that I had obviously aged since we first met and used to be really attractive when younger. He then said generally men age better than women.

He's a misogynist loser.

Men age better than women? Should have gone to specsavers mate

If you're in your 3rd trimester, you haven't "let yourself go", you're performing a miracle of strength and endurance.

He envies your biological power

Hmm, well, I doubt he's Peter Pan and I'm guessing that you still find his older self attractive because your tastes have matured and you naturally wouldn't want some 20 year old bloke now you're in your thirties.

Your husband is a walking cliche, I'm afraid - thinks he is God's gift and fancies much younger women.

@GeneralPeter there is absolutely no way that you are going to convince many women that their husband telling them that they’re “not unattractive” or that they “used to be much more attractive” while telling them they’re aging (at 35?! 🤯🤯) is complimentary.

Ewww, it's getting worse OP. He sounds like he is deliberately putting you down. Is he often like this?

You are not 'letting yourself go' - you are pregnant! You are growing a person, he should be treating you like a Queen. You need to put him in his place now OP. In the months after I gave birth, I had a saggy belly, the darkest eye circles imaginable and it felt like half my hair fell out! Also had a huge C section scar. I felt great because my body gave birth to a tiny human. Don't tolerate anyone putting you down, OP. Tell him where to go.

He could have stopped you feeling bad there and then, but he didn’t, he went a step further! It’s like he’s actually feeling insecure about his own looks and is actually trying to knock you because he thinks you’re better than him. Both knocks to you have included a compliment to him - the first time he asked you and virtually asked for a compliment on his looks. The second time he had to add in that men age better than women (insinuating that he’s better than you). Which is crap and not true. But I’d hazard a guess that you are gorgeous and he might secretly think he’s punching, but he doesn’t want you to think that.
And I actually think women are absolutely at their best in their mid 30s to 40s, not remotely old looking!

He was into you enough 9 months ago to have sex with you.

He's a complete shit.

I'd personally not ask that question ever of my partner though.

I don't need to be told I'm gorgeous as I have enough self-esteem regardless of looks etc. If my partner is with me, that means they find me enough. If not, they'd be with someone else, I assume.

I found someone who has the same values so we don't ask these kind of questions because it is implied in the relationship. We just assume that things are fine. If they're not fine, we change our existing arrangement to something else.

Your partner sounds very immature and low self-worth. Asking stuff like this is looking for external validation. And then using it against you. He's a shit. I would not like to spend time around someone like that.

I’m sorry but this is really not nice. I’m 50 this year and been married 15 years (together longer). My husband often compliments me in various ways and I can’t imagine him saying something like that. Your DH seems to be confused that he’s some kind of catch when his unkind behaviour to his pregnant wife suggests otherwise.