DH said I’m ’not unattractive’

[XNotquitereadyX]

My DH asked me if I thought he was attractive. I asked in what sense ie looks, personality, etc. I obviously said of course he is attractive and he is a good catch. I then asked him the same question. This was all said very casually.

he said I wasn’t unattractive. I’m older so have aged and I used to be much more attractive.

I told him he has knocked my confidence. He doesn’t really see that he has said anything wrong. I just feel like he no longer finds me attractive. We also haven’t had sex for ages which now explains things.

oh also I’m currently heavily pregnant so don’t feel myself at all.

You are 'not unattractive'?

And you are heavily pregnant?

And you are 'old'??

ok. (deep breath)

You are not old. You are having a baby. Really, you are not old. One day, you won't be able to have children. So right now, trust me, you really are not old.

Heavily pregnant = particularly, rarely beautiful, imo. If he doesn't get that, he's an idiot.

Not unattractive? I am so sorry. This is just a horrid and miserable thing to say. Please, please hold to yourself the thought that his perspective, for whatever reason, is jaundiced. You have literally just created a new life. You are for certain lovely, amazing, this is a great moment as a woman.

Don't let his malaise touch you.

No need for what? She said ‘unfortunately not’ in response to someone saying they’d had sex in the last nine months. I was clarifying what she meant. Why is that a problem?

Oh no, this longer quote makes it much worse.

I think he's really out of order. I'm sure he hasn't aged as well as he thinks.

You sound a bit ageist yourself op . . .

his actions are mostly genuinely caring e.g. he is doing all nursery drop offs and pick ups and getting up in the night with our eldest. It’s just his insensitive words. And his inability to understand how hurtful it was.

As we haven’t had sex for ages I think he hit a nerve that I feel he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. It’s very upsetting. I get that a lot of men don’t want to when their partner is pregnant. I had hoped we could fix the problem after I had the baby but his words made me think that there is just no hope of fixing the problem as he doesn’t find me attractive anyway.

No she doesn't.

She's only just told us she's infertile and had IVF, so I feel like we could lay off the personal questions.

When I’m about to give birth and need all the oxytocin flowing, I will actually be feeling like he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, while in a really vulnerable position birthing our baby.

If he is going to make you feel unnattractive and vulnerable, when you need him to be supportive and totally in your corner, then don't invite him to YOUR birth. He's there by invitation not by right and the priority is you feeling as comfortable as possible to give you and your baby the best possible birth.

She has now answered the question, so it would appear she didn’t object to it.

Also, unless I missed it, she said they had fertility problems, not that she was infertile.

Yes she does

“ I’m older so have aged and I used to be much more attractive”

Ageist comment

It’s funny you should mention the Traitors, as my DH made a comment about Leanne being very attractive! I have never looked like Leanne, but I looked much more like her when we met 15 years ago, than I do now, DCs and many years later!
Like you, I also went low make-up and baggy pregnancy clothes and loved being comfortable whilst pregnant; my focus utterly shifted from being a partner to being a mother.
So I guess what I’m wondering is whether his comments are an (insensitively put) representation of the losses that ageing and having babies bring; bodies change; priorities change and intimacy changes (along with all of the incredible changes which come with bringing up incredible new people)!
Not to say you’re old… 35 to me now at my age feels like the beginning of adulthood!

What you’re terming very loving and caring behaviour is pretty basic parenting, OP.

What lovely caring things does he do for you?

What they both said. Cunt.

I'm sorry OP, but it was malicious. I know you don't want to believe that about him but it's difficult to see it any other way.

When he said "you're not unattractive" - it's true that he could have just been clumsy with his words. But not when paired with his follow up statement. To go on to comment on how you've aged and don't look as you used to was deliberate.

If he didn't mean it lije that - he had every opportunity to correct himself when you let him know how it made you feel by apologizing for his clumsy words and stating how beautiful he finds you. He didn't.

He isn't having any trouble understanding what he did wrong. He's pretending not to get it so he doesn't seem as nasty as he is.

If he truly doesn't get it, he is one unbelievably stupid human. I'd let him know his lack of ability to understand something so simple had taken him from a 6, down to a 4 in your eyes. Clearly this misogynistic turd needs a reality check.

Or… she’s picked up and has internalised the relentless ageism that is all around us!

OP - it's very sad for you to say that you've let yourself go. You're heavily pregnant, for goodness sake!!! You are building a baby and no one should be caring what you look like at such a time. I am sad for you that your partner is such a clumsy oaf to make you feel like this at this time. Shame on him.

Sorry , i havent read the full thread,but It's obvious that if someone asks a question like that, they would be asked the same question in return. I think he asked you if you find him attractive , knowing you'll ask the same in return and he wanted to let you know what he really thinks of you.

Messed up his words? Pull the other one. He set up that trap because he knows saying...

"I'm a shallow cunt and frightened about getting old. The fact you look older too isn't helping and just reminds me that I'm trapped and disappointed you're not a waif in her early 20s"

... would earn him a divorce.

That's what her DH said to her after she asked what he meant with the "you're not unattractive" comment.

She clarified it in a later post, those are not her own thoughts about herself, it's what her idiot DH said to her.

I would find this very upsetting too, OP. If as you say your husband is generally a good caring guy, it seems worth keeping trying to get him to see just how upsetting and outrageous his comments were, though obviously you shouldn’t need too.

I've now read all the OP's posts and would like to apologise for calling her husband a cunt.

He STARTED this line of conversation by fishing for compliments and then tells his heavily pregnant wife that she's not unattractive, just not as attractive as she used to be. And then accuses her of over-reacting when she gets upset?

What I meant to call him was a thoughtless, insensitive, weapons-grade fucking cunt.

@Thunderpants88 I wrote this as I was quoting what he said to me.

@Tipperttruck

nailed it on the head.

And an enormous lack of emotional intelligence.

He's also aged and looks different too

Ye this is how I feel. I just want him to understand how hurtful his comments were.

Then there is the second point of my self confidence being low as words can’t be unsaid. it’s hard to build up confidence while heavily pregnant.

im going to show him this thread and hopefully he can see what I mean and it doesn’t turn into an argument.