Dropped the rope now everybody's confused

[allaloneandlost]

No family, friends disappeared since the pandemic and redundancy. Joined groups, voluntary work, night schools since age 18 and tried being neighbourly but got used, flaked on or let down. I stopped being a people pleaser and not coming across as desperate as that puts people off and you attract the wrong sort. No difference.

Since I had to go to hospital on my own a few months ago I finally dropped the rope as I'd had enough of chasing, caring, hoping, wishing, seeing the best in people, making excuses for them and waiting. Another patient, a complete stranger was very kind and that was the tipping point. It was clear I have nobody and from then on couldn't unsee it. I respect people have their own lives, yet only wanted me when it suited.

Since decided not to join anything, stopped volunteering and looking for friends just to get the same result. Found another job but not good so do the minimum. Busy getting qualifications, job hunting moving far away as have somewhere ready.

The last month though a few have reached out with Christmas cards. A friend who told me I was family yet hasn't bothered in years, even after I kept in touch and sent his son cards and presents sent a card and voucher. A neighbour who has never spoken started talking to me last week as I loaded a hire van to start moving. Invited me to call around for a cup of tea anytime.

Another from childhood for over 40 years who made so little effort in return for many years, rang for a chat yesterday and whilst it was amicable, I was distant and kept it brief. She lives three hours away. I visited her many times but she wouldn't come here or meet halfway, without reason. Just took for granted I'll always be there. She doesn't return my calls or letters. She asked if I was okay as I didn't sound right and said she'll call again in a few weeks.

Tbh I don't care anymore. Why are they bothering now? It's sad as there was no need but I'm done being hurt and angry and have also got used to no company. I've completely detached, I had to and they don't like it and are confused. This might be passive-aggressive but I see no point in explaining it to them. I did twice years ago after being used for a few years. People either deny or get aggressive because they don't like I've seen the truth and won't be a mug anymore.

I've not told anybody I'm going.

It would be interesting to hear from anybody who's been there. How did you handle people reaching out when it's too late? Thanks in advance.

I like the phrase 'dropped the rope'

What makes it too late?

You must do what's best for you and will make you happy as you have realised, no-one else will do that for you. However, I'm going to write this for your consideration, and maybe this won't feel so personal. People get very wrapped up in their own lives and what seems to need their immediate attention. If you make yourself very available and accommodating they take it for granted that you will always be there in that way, as someone they value, but who is on the periphery of the action so to speak. It becomes a habitual dynamic and it will take them a while to notice when that changes. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't value you, but it is easy to overlook how other people feel when we are focused on other things. Perhaps don't write the people who reach out off completely, they may be just starting to understand that the dynamic they have been used to has changed.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you find people who value and centre you in their lives in the way you deserve.

@Jadedpersuaded It's an excellent expression, I learnt it on here. Because they had plenty of chances and now after not bothering, they're finding the well has ran dry.

@Raquelos Thanks and that makes good sense. Fair enough people have their own lives and can't expect too much but had enough. Even if there is still some friendship there, it'll never be what it was or could have been. Hope you have good people.

Great considered response there from @Raquelos

It's natural to grieve for relationships that we lose or that change. Sometimes change also feels like loss imo.

I hope that your current and past experience does not colour your future relationship building ability/joy. That sounds trite, I hope you remain open to friendships and don't isolate yourself going forward is what I mean.

Thanks to you both for messaging and hope you both have good people. I've given up as no motivation left and don't want to waste time on others anymore. Will be getting on with my own life putting myself first from now on. Just wondered how others dealt with.

I'm in the same position OP and am in the process of job hunting in an area 4 hours from where I currently live. I'm really excited about it if I'm honest! What a positive start to the new year for you, I wish you all the best for the future.

Honestly, you need to work out what sort of life you want.

Maybe you're the sort of person who only has a few friends, maybe you don't find it easy to get very close to people. So, in that case, a good outcome would be a few healthy relationships, not too intense. Be reliable, remember birthdays, make plans. Plodding is fine. Please don't give up. Even the least sociable of us need a few friends. Go to church maybe? No one owes us happiness or commitment, and some people really really crap at picking up the rope. I feel like you need to find happiness within yourself, and the understanding that no one else can provide this for us is very positive. It's nice that people reached out to you, even though you feel that it's too late. You're obviously a person that people like, even though you get taken for granted.

I fear that your plan to disentangle yourself from everyone will not be good for you in the long run. It is easy to become resentful, isolated and bitter in this world, but I don't think this is the right path for you,

Good luck,

I’m similar to you I think except I have a very small family. Live alone and really a couple of friends but we see each other a few times a year. I’ve backed off quite a bit too and now I’m almost completely alone. Do have an adult DC who is married but they have moved on in a healthy way. I’m not moving but I don’t look for friendship anywhere in fact never have

I’d keep the people who reached out as friends, and match their level of interaction / support. They’ve shown they’re invested in a relationship with you, even though it’s not at the level / intensity you put in. They have at least noticed and made an effort.

It’s the ones you’ve not heard from at all that I’d drop.

But I get that you’re feeling hurt and used and want to start fresh. Maybe that’s the right answer long term, but I personally wouldn’t burn all my bridges in the short term.

I think we all have a tendency to believe that we are out there, being the best version of ourselves and being a good friend etc, and we often focus on what other people are doing that doesn’t measure up. We are maybe guilty of exaggerating how ‘good’ we are, especially if the conclusion is that everyone else is awful.

I don’t know what age you are, but speaking from someone who is 40s, I’d say our tolerance of other people decreases. We tend to not be arsed to go out our way, or we accept everyone is busy, or we just accept that everyone at this age and older is going through their own crap. It might be the case that your relationships have always been one sided. It might also be the case that you’re in a mindset where you’re focusing on that so much that you can’t see the good things that are in your relationships.

I’d keep the people who reached out as friends, and match their level of interaction / support

Agree with this but definitely continue to make yourself the priority, most friends are flaky and unreliable, some might also be getting back in touch as they noticed you hadn’t been and they are just being nosey, they probably want to hear if something has gone wrong in your life and that’s the reason you are doing it….they probably assume you are depressed or something.

It was clear I have nobody and from then on couldn't unsee it. I respect people have their own lives, yet only wanted me when it suited.

We had some serious stuff happen when kids were young and had similar. I've mention it on here and always get told expecting reciprocal relationships or having expectations of others meant I was in the wrong - though us being put out prior was fine.

I think you have to be careful not to get bitter and not assume everyone is like that or point score in relationships. Also be aware of the savior dynamic- where no one asks you for help but you sweep in and then get upset when people aren't as grateful as you want - saw that in a friend.

I'd step back - drop anyone who is clearly not interested - but keep contact though perhaps less with rest and focus on you or immediate family - I prioritized kids and DH we help extended family but not at our expense and there may be a delay - it's on our time table.

Maybe try and find new pursuits - and hope that lead to new friends who are better.

some might also be getting back in touch as they noticed you hadn’t been and they are just being nosey, they probably want to hear if something has gone wrong in your life and that’s the reason you are doing it….

I did feel at one stage our misfortunes were just entertainment to some friends - it was more gossip than any caring. I didn't do anything dramatic there - told them less and was always polite but spent less time round them going forward.

I feel for you. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I can make friends very easily but it is so one-sided - all the effort coming from me. One friend I've know over 20 years. The level of contact/meeting was decided by her so I fell into that - no telephone conversations as she doesn't like talking on the phone, few text messages unless meeting up, when we did meet up, which ended up being twice a year despite living close by she wanted to meet at 6pm for a meal and she'd be making moves to go at 8pm, she never sent me a text wishing me happy birthday etc. Anyway, I didn't send her a text for her last birthday and since I've moved from the area not invited her to stay and now she's moaning that she never sees me and misses me! Another time she said for various reasons she wasn't going to see her sister much anymore and that we could do the things she did with her - theatre, cinema, going away etc. Sorry, but no. I'm not someone's second choice. I like her and realise she's busier than me but she should have made more effort. Now I text back if she texts me.

The same with another friend. She texted me New Year's eve wishing me HNY. I hadn't expected to hear from her again as there'd been nothing since August. Again, it was always me making the effort. I can't be bothered now.

Another gets in touch once in a while. Wants me to come and stay, wants to come and stay with me. I just can't be bothered. I get nothing out of the friendship - no regular staying in touch, she didn't contact me when I was going through a bad patch, she never wishes me happy birthday even though it is the day after her mother's so I stopped sending her a text or giving flowers on her birthday. Can't be bothered.

The only thing I'd suggest is keep volunteering but make sure it is something you enjoy, keep chatting to people in local shops, chat with co-workers and attend and meals out. These people don't need to be your best buddies but one might come through as a decent friend and you only need a few. Perhaps do Meetup for trips to the cinema or restaurants or whatever you like to do. I think life is a stark reminder we're basically on our own here. Even people with partners can't always depend on them.

Hi OP,
I would just ask you not to totally write others off - just be cautious with your time and energy.

So say you meet someone new that you like and they invite you for coffee or lunch enjoy their company and reciprocate but match their energy. Don't endlessly travel to them/do them favours or invite them for meals if they don't reciprocate - where someone does reciprocate though give them a chance.

I think you should concentrate on you. Your friends have finally twigged you've had enough so they are creeping back. But as you've thought, what is the point? What do they want?

I was badly let down by a decades long friend in the summer and the more I think about it it was me making the effort and trying to protect her mental health. It is clear that she didn't care about mine. And I've dropped the rope with another friend as well. Some people just use others and I'm not wired like that.

I fear that your plan to disentangle yourself from everyone will not be good for you in the long run. It is easy to become resentful, isolated and bitter in this world, but I don't think this is the right path for you

I agree with this. We all have times when we think "Oh fuck you all, you're useless". But wouldn't it be better to do as other posters have suggested and match the effort of the friends who have surfaced and expressed concern about you? And don't close your mind to the possibility of new friendships - maybe having a clearer understanding of what you want from friends will help you pick and choose better.

Matching effort is a great approach. So people who reach out to you, respond in kind, eg they suggest a coffee, go meet them, then you can suggest one next time, but don’t arrange again until they do.

The replies are really appreciated, thanks very much. Shame others are in this situation.

I'm early 50's and was just interested in how others reacted to people who suddenly contacted after not bothering. It's confused me a bit and I was wary the childhood friend was only calling for emotional support after all this time but in fairness it was just a chat. Her adult child who's her life has recently moved out and she hasn't got many people or much else to do, so could be loneliness but I'm not rallying around like before. She's texted me hours ago and I'll reply tonight. Great idea to match but the difference is it's on autopilot.

Could be because they have issues or wondering why I've gone quiet.

I know what's best now. Yes to being bitter, cynical and isolated but after a lifetime that goes with the territory. It just irks me when I hear of all the 'lonely' and 'struggling' people and charities when I had plenty of time, interest and care to give. Now it's sit back and get on with it whilst things unravel. You can only push people away repeatedly so much until they finally get the message and also get used to being on their own. Also even the nicest and genuine seeming people once they see somebody's kind and loyal, it gets one-sided. Put yourself first and stop caring about others.

Well done to anybody making changes. I'm moving 4 hours away as well and will never return!

I always take an interest, check in and remember things without pestering or being demanding but there's only so much you can do when efforts are rarely or never returned. No arguments and nobody's been unkind though, just too late. Not contacting anybody again who hasn't bothered at all.

Wishing the best for everybody else though.

This.

Sometimes people have loads going on and decent friends generally understand that but when it's consistent, it's because they don't care or value you. There's no friendship and you're just there when it suits. When they eventually make a token effort, they'll find the well's run dry. Good on you for recognising and walking away even though it's a shame. They'll have and be doing this to others as well, and then won't have any friends. Then they wonder why they're lonely. It's difficult to find genuine, loyal and kind friends.

You deserve much better and so does everybody else on this thread.

OP, you sound lovely but understandably hurt and disappointed.

I think the single most important word in relationships that are successful and work is reprocosity.

I am hugely committed to it.
Late 50's and I have wonderful friends, but I match their energy largely.

I had a bad car accident and was very shaken for a while. I didn't want to see people for months and I can honestly say they hugely stepped up.

But 20-30 years ago I definitely had some people that I put myself out too much for.
I woke up and dropped the rope and faded out those whom I felt were using me as a free sounding board.

I subsequently became very selective about whom I left into my life.

I think your vibe now is couldn't care less and you are probably not trying hard.

Keep it up.
To those that make an effort, suit yourself now.
To the friend who wants to now use you in place of her sister, fxxk that, simply say no thanks I'm busy. No apology.

Suit yourself completely.
Practice not giving a damn and suiting yourself completely.

I think you are someone that would be a great friend but you need to love yourself and value yourself above all others.
So only doing what suits you.
Not putting yourself out at all.
Start cultivating your selfish gene and lean into it.

I think having easy, lighthearted friends that are fun, superficial and do not depend on, or expect anything from you is hugely under estimated in the enjoyment they can bring you.

I don't want to be there for people, other than those friends of long standing whom I love.

From the rest I want fun, a laugh, a shared interest etc.
Really not to be dismissed.

You have moved, perhaps think about what hobbies might interest you.
Would you take up golf or tennis or hill walking?
Crafting, painting, yoga or pilates?
Lovely superficial friendships can be made.
You can make great friends with like minded people without any expectations or deep commitment from you.

Wishing you well.

Thanks allaloneandlost. All of the friends I mentioned are very tight too. I'm always first to get a drink in, or an ice cream or offer to buy a coffee. I don't usually mind but it became noticeable - one friend let me buy 3 ice creams/lollies in a row (one gelato, two scoops, was £6). Come off it! Anyway we later went for a drink and I didn't offer to buy. There was silence for about a minute or two, which is a long time when you're keeping your mouth shut about offering to buy, so she finally asked me what I wanted to drink. That one never ever asked about my son either whereas I'd always ask about her mum, dad and husband, how they were.

Another got very intense around her birthday, wanted to be treated like a queen, always moaned about people letting her down that week (she'd try and extend her birth'day' to a birthday week - lots of meals out and treats etc). When it came to my birthday for the last 3 years of knowing her it was always "Do you want a card? Do you want a present? Do you want to go out for a meal?" What are you supposed to say to that? Yes, please? Why put a friend in that situation. I used to just say no, don't worry about it after spending about £70/80 on us having a meal out. It's not the money, it's the calculated nature of it all. That one liked perfect presents too and had handed stuff back to another friend of hers that she deemed not good enough - one year she gave me some Xmas decorations she had hanging around and gave another friend of hers office stuff like files etc that she got when her office moved. Tight as a gnat's arse.

Have a fresh start and see how you go. I think just knowing people might be the way forward - people you talk to at a book club or walking group. Low expectations, just have people to talk to.

"I think having easy, lighthearted friends that are fun, superficial and do not depend on, or expect anything from you is hugely under estimated in the enjoyment they can bring you." I agree with this, although I don't actually mind being there for people either if they need help or to be a sounding board or to offer practical help. As along as they don't take the piss.

One person I knew, a possible friendship that didn't come to anything as I decided against it, needed stuff moving to a storage unit. I have a car so offered to help even though I barely knew her. I turned up at her place expecting to move some boxes into my car and she hadn't even packed or sorted stuff out or cleaned - everything was in a layer of dust. That is taking the piss. After that I said I'm busy. I should have walked away but I'm too soft-hearted. A mutual person we knew tried to warm me so I learnt my lesson there.

My tolerance for people decreased drastically when I hit my late 40s/early 50s. I think it is human nature to put yourself first - nothing wrong with that - but some people tend to be very self absorbed or take the piss at the expense of a well-meaning individual.

You sound like an incredibly kind and generous individual. The world could do with more people like you. Recognise that when you give people your time, love and money it is a precious gift. If people don't express gratitude or reciprocate, you can walk away with no explanation with your head held high.

Life doesn't need to be full of taker friends and family either. I find a lot of satisfaction in doing things individually like walking, art, yoga etc. I also volunteer but left one organisation as they started expecting more and more of my free time without so much as thank you. However, I started volunteering again at a different place and my experience has been better.

Agreed with this.

There really are lovely, truly lovely people in the world who, when the chips are down, will be there for you (and hopefully you for them!) But generally, match the effort that people put in.