To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

[ConkerGame]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

I'd guess it is a fertility issue. You just never know. I do also think that after a first child, people's reactions tend to be more muted anyway. I would just try to disregard it and treat them normally when you next see them. Congratulations on your good news.

You don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. Perhaps she has had a miscarriage or has been TTC their third for a while. I’m sure it’s nothing you have done, but I would be more concerned.

Congratulations!

To be honest I’m not sure I would message my husbands siblings about their pregnancy, I would just assume that DH’s congratulations were from me too. I wouldn’t be excited either- sorry! It’s more exciting for you as you are going through it for the first time. I wouldn’t read anything into her reaction (or lack of).

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You are allowed to feel disappointed about this.

Who knows? Maybe they are struggling to conceive, maybe they've suffered loss(es), maybe they don't agree on whether to add a third. There are umpteen explanations for a less than overjoyed reaction.

I don't think there's anything to handle going forward. You proceed as normal and I daresay you'll have a better idea of how they feel when you next see them in person.

Yeah I’d be the same as this - particularly bearing in mind it’s not your first child 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbh unless you are close friends, someone’s relatives second pregnancy just isn’t that interesting.

Like I would congratulate you in passing but I wouldn’t go out of my way.

My guess is that as you say they knew it was likely to be a pregnancy announcement and SIL deliberately didn't join the call because she's having issues with fertility (loss, TTC, whatever). Honestly I think you were a bit insensitive to keep badgering them when it was clear they weren't keen on a facetime. Couldn't you have just sent a message?

Perhaps she and your brother are going to split up?

Yes I would assume fertility issues or miscarriage. Presumably it's your husband's brother's wife? If so, I wouldn't get worked up about it. Benefit of the doubt if she has always been decent before.

My brother insisted on arranging a call to tell me about his partner being pregnant. I was in the middle of fertility issues and we don't have a relationship that calls a lot. I made it clear I didn't want to be told that way but he pushed and I did it and said all the right things, but honestly I was made to feel shit so he could have his moment of pleasure and I still think that was pretty crap a few years (and children) down the line.

I would think she’s maybe had a recent miscarriage given that pregnancy was likely to be your news so it seems like she was trying to avoid hearing it.

I would assume this isn’t about you and something else is going on. I’d read their queues and give them space.

You should have probably read the room a bit when they were putting off facetiming, knowing it would likely be a pregnancy announcement, and just sent a message.

I think you’re being a bit precious, she might have just forgotten when he first told her and it’s slipped her mind that she didn’t send a message……busy person with 2 small kids n all that.

Fertility, miscarriage, Relationship issues. If BIL came onto the call alone it was a bit much to push at that point. I know its exciting for you but it can be difficult for everyone. Either SIL is finding it difficult, or she just assumed her husband who is your relative has passed on your congrats. Either way, I wouldn't continue to make anbig deal of sharing your news.

I have 8 siblings and tbh it's normally only the first pregnancy for each of us that is big news but after that it's not really a thing other than a text or a phone call or visit to announce the next niece or nephew that is on the way lol of course we congratulate each other but it's not really something that any of us get excited about lol I'm not wording it correctly and making it sound like none of us care about each others kids which is not the case but it's only really the first pregnancy announcement that gets the reaction you seem to be after lol

She may have just had a miscarriage and hearing other people’s pregnancy news is just too much for her to cope with. Just leave it and act normally.

As everyone says, there's clearly something going on that most likely isn’t anything to do with you. I don't get why you insisted on the Facetime announcement after it was clear they didn't want to participate, for whatever reason. Why didn't your DH just call his brother and say?
And also yes, no one is as excited about the second pregnancy onwards as you are already parents, that excitement around the massive step of becoming parents is done.

There is a very good chance there is something going on behind the scenes. She didn’t get on that call for a reason and you need to respect that reason.

She is trying not to detract from your happiness. Give her time. She will likely celebrate this child when she is ready.

Honestly? You’ve made a huge song and dance about it by dragging the announcement out for weeks by making them wait when you said it was obvious what it would be.

If SIL is upset over the pregnancy then she’s probably a bit hurt at how you’ve gone about it. Or maybe she just isn’t interested beyond BIL saying congratulations. Second babies often don’t get the same interest either.

This is why announcing pregnancy news is much safer over text. You have no idea what is going on with them

You say yourself that it was likely obvious to them what your news was and they were non committal, cancelled catching up and she didn’t join the eventual call.

In that case read the room OP and just accept that for whatever reason your news was difficult to hear

All seems a bit OTT.

It’s probably nothing personal against you . I agree with lots of reasons as previous posters have said . You don’t want it to cause any long term damage and I don’t see how it should unless you make it that way . Sometimes in life things don’t always go how we expect. Congratulations anyway .

I was surprised you wanted to book a face time appointment tbh. What's wrong with a message? It's hardly a surprise that a couple with a 2 year old are now having a second child - that must be the commonest family pattern ever. Maybe if you'd struggled for years to conceive, you could have expected more. Otherwise it's normal that far less fuss is made over the news of subsequent pregnancies. And, as has been said, SIL may have her own reasons for her lack of an excited, joyous response. You are happy with your news but that doesn't mean everyone else needs to be (and doesn't mean they aren't happy for you either).

I'd feel a bit uncomfortable having to do a FaceTime call to receive news of a pregnancy. A message will suffice surely?

Someone in my family has a habit of this. I do love her but she arranges get togethers and huge family Group FaceTime calls to announce in no particular order: we are buying our first house, we are getting a dog, here is our dog, we are engaged, "we" are pregnant.

I can't speak for why she's not messaged since then but if I had to guess, fertility issues or the fact that it's not a baby until it's arrived safely - some people don't like to jinx things.

PS congratulations on your pregnancy and hope all goes well.

Ah OP there will be a reason.

If someone acts out of character then you need to clock it and let them come to you in their own time, if at all. Don't make it all about you. You've had a congratulations. Let it go.