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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

287 replies

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 21:39

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/01/2025 12:07

' I was feeling upset on new DC’s behalf that she’s not too excited about them '

you really are over thinking this.

Christwosheds · 27/01/2025 12:08

When I was pregnant with my first, someone said to me that for the first baby people make a fuss of you , any subsequent babies, no-one cares…

heroinechic · 27/01/2025 12:16

Hwi · 27/01/2025 10:54

I wish people would realise that their 'announcements' about pregnancy and general information about their precious children is of no interest to other people - I know for sure that nobody gives a shit about my dc apart from me and occasionally, my dh, their father. This is normal.

This is definitely not normal

heroinechic · 27/01/2025 12:22

In what world is telling someone about a pregnancy over FaceTime a big announcement?! In the world of pregnancy announcements, it's positively low key.

ProfessionalPirate · 27/01/2025 12:22

Differentstarts · 23/01/2025 16:36

Im with you I can't believe how everyone on here is being. Not giving a shit about a new nephew or niece is crazy to me. We've all had struggles in our lives its no reason to lose all manners and not be happy for others.

Who says she doesn’t give a shit? She’s failed to send one text message, that’s all. None of us know the reason why, but I don’t think it’s a hanging offence in isolation. When the baby arrives she may well be over the moon.

MyTwinklySloth · 27/01/2025 12:26

Probably not the right thing to say but honestly... Myself and my husband were quite young when we had our kids, the first of our friends and family - 8 years on everyone around us is starting to have babies including SIL/BIL while its lovely news and I am delighted for my friends and family having babies - I am sorta in the 'been there done that not' not crazy excited stage - so although I do say all the right things when we are told news of babies - internally all I think is 'that's nice' When nieces and nephews do then appear god yes I do love them but not so bothered about pregnant stage.. I will probably be attacked for being so honest.

JLou08 · 27/01/2025 12:32

You're over thinking this. Not everyone's all that interested in other people's pregnancies, especially after the first. It doesn't mean they won't have a good relationship with the child when they arrive. With 2 young children herself I'm sure she is very busy with plenty of other things taking up head space. Just carry on communicating with her as you usually would.

JaneBoleynViscountessRochford · 27/01/2025 12:36

Christwosheds · 27/01/2025 12:08

When I was pregnant with my first, someone said to me that for the first baby people make a fuss of you , any subsequent babies, no-one cares…

This was definitely the case for us, no one gave a hoot when we were expecting our second and tbh we weren’t expecting them to be.

OP my SIL made a pregnancy announcement shortly after I had a miscarriage (she didn’t know about it) and so couldn’t bring myself to give a super enthusiastic response. I wasn’t unhappy that she was pregnant I was sad about my own baby and that took priority for me. In the kindest way, it’s not all about you.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 27/01/2025 12:37

SapphireOpal · 22/01/2025 22:03

My guess is that as you say they knew it was likely to be a pregnancy announcement and SIL deliberately didn't join the call because she's having issues with fertility (loss, TTC, whatever). Honestly I think you were a bit insensitive to keep badgering them when it was clear they weren't keen on a facetime. Couldn't you have just sent a message?

I kind of agree on this. It may have been better to just send a message on your group chat with them both and say ‘excited to share news of baby 2 on the way!’ Or similar. That’s what we did. Gives time for people to process it.

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 12:39

There's nothing to handle. Maybe she's just forgotten about it while living her own life. Seems a bit weird to be so obsessed with her congratulating you. She'll congratulate you in her own time I daresay.

the7Vabo · 27/01/2025 12:44

MyTwinklySloth · 27/01/2025 12:26

Probably not the right thing to say but honestly... Myself and my husband were quite young when we had our kids, the first of our friends and family - 8 years on everyone around us is starting to have babies including SIL/BIL while its lovely news and I am delighted for my friends and family having babies - I am sorta in the 'been there done that not' not crazy excited stage - so although I do say all the right things when we are told news of babies - internally all I think is 'that's nice' When nieces and nephews do then appear god yes I do love them but not so bothered about pregnant stage.. I will probably be attacked for being so honest.

I see this, I also think once your kids get older you really realise that pregnancy is for life not just for Christmas type thing. If you are say dealing with a bratty teenager or a stubborn 6 year old who won’t do his homework having a baby just doesn’t seem as magical!

MaltipooMama · 27/01/2025 12:51

Hwi · 27/01/2025 10:54

I wish people would realise that their 'announcements' about pregnancy and general information about their precious children is of no interest to other people - I know for sure that nobody gives a shit about my dc apart from me and occasionally, my dh, their father. This is normal.

Is this really normal in your world? For your children's father to only give a shit about them occasionally and for no one else to care at all?! I genuinely find that really sad if that's the case. I've always given a shit about friends' and family's pregnancies and both mine and my partner's family are over the moon about ours and constantly wanting to ask questions and see if there's anything we need. I would've personally thought that was more the norm

user1492757084 · 27/01/2025 12:58

It's your lovely news. You can't know what other people have going on in their life.
Don't assume anything bad.

You could phone SIL directly and say - Did you hear about our baby news? I'm so excited to share it with you - and then see where the conversation goes.
You could meet in person, you, SIL and the two youngest kids for a play date. Ask how she manages with two. etc etc.

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 12:59

user1492757084 · 27/01/2025 12:58

It's your lovely news. You can't know what other people have going on in their life.
Don't assume anything bad.

You could phone SIL directly and say - Did you hear about our baby news? I'm so excited to share it with you - and then see where the conversation goes.
You could meet in person, you, SIL and the two youngest kids for a play date. Ask how she manages with two. etc etc.

Oh, God, please do not do this. Definitely not.

Wishingplenty · 27/01/2025 13:01

I definitely think there has been a massive shift in family dynamics over the years, and now that most families are quite disjointed, huge milestones that were once seen as the pinnacle of life, are no longer celebrated as they once were.

MyTwinklySloth · 27/01/2025 13:02

the7Vabo · 27/01/2025 12:44

I see this, I also think once your kids get older you really realise that pregnancy is for life not just for Christmas type thing. If you are say dealing with a bratty teenager or a stubborn 6 year old who won’t do his homework having a baby just doesn’t seem as magical!

I think its similar to when other people are getting married - gosh I am so delighted for bride and it will be magical etc.. but again it's a 'thats nice' A few days post wedding I won't be talking about it.. I would have enjoyed the day but then its back to my reality.

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 13:06

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 15:44

I have got the message. To be honest I’m very shocked by everyone’s responses (although I should know by now that MN hates both in-laws and celebrating any happy occasion! 🙈)

I don’t know anyone IRL who wouldn’t congratulate someone on a pregnancy, at least with a short text message. It’s rude and hurtful, regardless of what you’re going through.

like everyone I’ve had tough periods in my life but have never used that as an excuse to actively try to rain on someone else’s good news. This should be happy news for the whole family, not just for me/DH - another niece/nephew/cousin in the family to love and enjoy the company of. It’s not a crime to be excited to share that joy with your relatives! That’s how I’ve felt about each of their children (and even smaller things tbh, like when they got a lovely new house or a job promotion) and think it’s very sad that so many people on this thread feel so little for their own family that they simply don’t care if a new member is joining or not.

tbh this thread has really upset me. I’ve had a shocking first trimester, still feeling really rough and dealing with numerous complications and was just looking for help (on a site for mums!) with how to keep family relations positive during this time but instead I’ve faced a kicking for the apparent crime of following the usual method of communication for DH’s family. Often mums get blamed for favouring their own family when it comes to kids but I actively try to involve DH’s and still get told I’m in the wrong. Really can’t win!

Shocked and upset because people have explained to you that your pregnancy just isn't that big a deal to many people?

Nobody's rained on your big news, she just hasn't congratulated you yet. You haven't taken a kicking you just didn't get the group hug you were expecting.

This makes you sound extremely over dramatic and I am now wondering if you are always this demanding and dramatic. Perhaps that's why she's just not that bothered, maybe she's used to you demanding a lot of attention and just doesn't feel up to it because she's busy.

Anyway, whatever is going on - and honestly it's probably nothing and she's just not got around to sending you a congrats message yet as it's just not that a big a deal - you can't force people to do what you want, feel what you want, or behave as you choose.

Regardless, this message is super dramatic and reeks of main character syndrome.

Ohnononono1 · 27/01/2025 13:08

Maybe she's sad because (assuming they aren't having any more) her last was born in COVID and it was probably a bit of a shit time. I sometimes feel a pang of envy at people having their babies now that all restrictions are removed and more support available even though I want those things for people, I'm just sad I didn't get that experience.

Julimia · 27/01/2025 13:09

I think it may be well be a fertility issue or something equally distressing. Would leave it as it is just now and see if anything is revealed. Next time there is contact be the first to ask sensitively if she/ everything is OK. ? Don't overthink this. X

lessglittermoremud · 27/01/2025 13:21

Congratulations on your news!
I wouldn’t assume any issues, fertility wise or with your relationship.
Sometimes one of us will try FaceTiming a sibling at pre arranged time and life has got in the way, a kid needs settling, poorly etc
It could just be that your SIL thought the congratulations from your BIL were from both of them, so a follow up message wasn’t necessary?
In her shoes if I had missed FaceTime call because I was dealing with the chaos that is sometimes bedtime, I wouldn’t then message to say congratulations if my husband had said how exciting and happy they are for you.
I appreciate you feel a little hurt, but I have to agree with posters that say first babies seem to have people gushing and subsequent pregnancies and children get a little overlooked. Our first was the first grandchild on both sides, by the time we had our third there were lots more grandchildren around from my siblings and no one really got excited about it except our immediate family unit.
i would just carry on as normal, you may find when you see her that she offers an explanation/congratulates you then.

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/01/2025 13:27

I think you're overthinking this. When my brother told me he and SIL were expecting a child, I congratulated them and sent sil a message. DH did not. It's not that he wasn't pleased for them, he was, it's just that between us we take it for granted that if one of us expresses congratulations or the like it is done on behalf of both of us, and there is no need for the other to repeat it.

Ditto when it was his side of the family announcing a pg/birth. He did the congratulations on behalf of both of us, and I did not reach out to either sil separately. I was still perfectly pleased for them and wished them all the best.

the7Vabo · 27/01/2025 13:28

I re read the first post and note that the BIL has, as the OP said, said all the right things including expressing excitement.

They are a couple so maybe they thought that was enough. And they are just assuming they’ll chat when they see you.

SIL isn’t actively trying to rain on your good news. A text would be nice, but it’s not 100% necessary considering you already spoke to her husband who seems to have been v enthusiastic.

It’s great that you were excited about their kids, but you were in a different position, you didn’t have kids so you have more scope to be doting uncle & aunt.

I think it’s case of over thinking. Hopefully you’ll meet SIL next time & chat away and it’ll
be forgotten.

MaxTalk · 27/01/2025 13:35

Why do people seek others for fake happiness?

Some people just aren't interested and that's perfectly fine.

butterdish93 · 27/01/2025 13:38

People have babies all the time. It's amazing to the couple and lovely when they baby comes but it's just life! People are busy and have their own lives.
I wouldn't feel awkward at all. No one has done anything weird or wrong.

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 13:42

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 13:06

Shocked and upset because people have explained to you that your pregnancy just isn't that big a deal to many people?

Nobody's rained on your big news, she just hasn't congratulated you yet. You haven't taken a kicking you just didn't get the group hug you were expecting.

This makes you sound extremely over dramatic and I am now wondering if you are always this demanding and dramatic. Perhaps that's why she's just not that bothered, maybe she's used to you demanding a lot of attention and just doesn't feel up to it because she's busy.

Anyway, whatever is going on - and honestly it's probably nothing and she's just not got around to sending you a congrats message yet as it's just not that a big a deal - you can't force people to do what you want, feel what you want, or behave as you choose.

Regardless, this message is super dramatic and reeks of main character syndrome.

I actually missed that your BIL already congratulated you but that's not good enough. You sound tiring.

I think it's safe to say she has no plans to message you as he already did so.