To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

[ConkerGame]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

It's all you, you, you. What you want. What you expected. What you would like to share. Other people have their own shit going on. Your needs, wants and expectations aren't necessarily top of their list.

The whole booking a FaceTime is a bit cringe op.

Sorry OP but I can’t say I care a massive amount when my DH’s siblings have announced pregnancies. I mean it’s nice for them but I can’t show excitement when I’m excited let alone feign it. Seems an awful lot of fuss to tell them something you could have texted. I’m afraid she reserved the right to not care.

Unless there’s more background context, I don’t at all see why someone being 39 with a 6 and 4 year old couldn’t plausibly be dealing with infertility. It seems super plausible to me.

But there could be a lot of explanations for her lack of response.

Perhaps she really wants another child and he doesn't and its a sensitive subject? Im sure it's not about you. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Congratulations!

Booking a Facetime is a bit much

Your bil said it so himself - any news and he'll tell sil. That's their way of telling you she didn't want to be there

I echo posters saying a face time was a bit ott but I get every family is different.
Anyway I wouldn't bother trying to analyse her reaction. Maybe it's triggered something or maybe she's genuinely busy and distracted by unrelated things.
Some people are just not that interested in babies once they are through the baby stage. In the end it's nice to have people to talk to about shared experiences but she's your SIL not your friend. You can have a friendly relationship but it's normal for these things to ebb and flow dependent on your circumstances.

Totally agree. You did make a big build up which was a bit cringey but she could have sent a nice text back. I’d move on and enjoy your pregnancy xx

I think it's sad and you just want her to be as excited for you as you were for her. It's disappointing but unfortunately we can't control others' reactions. She could have sent a quick message to show that she cares. She sounds inconsiderate and self-absorbed. Maybe cool off on the contact with them for now. Be a bit more breezy when you see her in future. Maybe she finds the facetiming a bit intense?

But their youngest could be nearly 5 because they've been trying for #3 for several years without luck.

Having been in the situation of having to try not to cry at my SIL's second pregnancy announcement whilst struggling with secondary infertility, I think she was well aware of what that Facetime would be and was avoiding it for a reason.

Exact. Take the hint.

There are 8 billion humans on Planet Earth. That is EIGHT BILLION.

Yours are special to you but not to anyone else. Take the hint.

Yeah sorry it's just not very exciting news...

Get used to it: nobody will send cards or gifts or bother to visit second time round either. That surprised me. There was just general zero interest compared to the first.

Also probably this

It is easily believable that 39yo woman with a 6yo and 4yo may be trying for a third and having difficulties/losses, and feeling extra time pressure due to age. It's possible to grieve intensely for a third child you always wanted.

So, consider for a moment that fertility/pregnancy is a painful issue for her to discuss right now... You say she could have "just sent a text", but she may be afraid that sending a text would initiate a whole back and forth text conversation about your pregnancy, and questions that she is not in the right head space for. Even if she loves and cares for you.

Whatever the reason, she clearly doesn't feel up to discussing it right now, and it would be kind to accept that.

Congrats on your pregnancy though, OP, and best of luck with it.

I think different families have different dynamics

It sounds like you want to be close to her because you're both women the same age and want a direct relationship with her - nothing wrong with that

But she may be more of the - this relationship is primarily for my DH to maintain because it's his family POV, not that she doesn't like you but she doesn't feel as much of a need to reach out to you directly, feels her DH covered the congratulations - nothing wrong with that either.

Unfortunately OP,, just because you were excited it doesn't mean they have to reciprocate.

When your baby number 2 is here I reckon you might realize that some days can be very intense with two! I put my money on her being pretty frazzled and operating at full capacity. Being badgered to essentially give attention to you and DH might have felt low key irritating if, like you say, they had a strong hunch at what your news was.

Nevertheless, it is very exciting! Huge congratulations.

OP - kindly, you sound very intense and precious about this. It’s very exciting news (for you) but not necessarily for everyone else. She could be going through stuff, be busy, or quite frankly not really care much - all perfectly acceptable - you may never know and are not owed an “explanation” for her reaction just because it wasn’t the one you wanted. Her husband (the person who will actually be biologically related to your child) congratulated you, in my opinion that’s enough.

Assuming your relationship with SIL is otherwise decent, carry on messaging her as you did before this long drawn out (and a bit cringe, sorry) “announcement” and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Don’t make it weird unnecessarily. Second pregnancies are usually not met with the same OTT reactions as the first so prepare yourself for less interest and offers of support with your second baby than perhaps your first.

Whilst you are exited about your pregnancy you cannot expect the same from others. I agree with PP there's is obviously a reasons but move on and enjoy. Don't push your pregnancy on others.

We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them.

Sounds like a lot of the effort is on your side. Do they make an effort to see you and spoil your dc?

In future I would just add news to a family WhatsApp group and let them make the effort to come see you. If is is fertility issues, BIL should have had a quiet word with DH, but it seems unlikely.

I agree with this, everyone saying there not excited about a second pregnancy that's your niece or nephew. People have other stuff going on in their lives have miscarriages unfortunately this is life you can still be happy for others. I think its actually really mean and rude that she hasn't even texted you.

I think given you have a 2 year old and made a big deal about an 'announcement then SIL just figured it out and didn't need to be on the call. 'it comes across like you want the drama of a jealous SIL. It may just be that she finds you a bit much and doesn't react in the way you do.

Honestly I think you need some self awareness. They are totally behaving as if they have fertility issues. The world doesn’t always revolve around you, like read the room a little bit.

I agree too because OP says these FaceTime calls are normal in the family to share news. I hate FaceTime calls but everyone is different.

OP and her DH may have felt that the couple would be offended if they didn’t call them to tell the news at the same time as PIL etc.

Now OP knows they’re not that fussed, they can stop the calls. Or just let DH call his BIL.

It’s fine for their reaction to be muted but then they shouldn’t expect enthusiasm
when they share their own news. I think it’s unlikely to be fertility issues but if it is, OP should just leave the ball in their court and let them respond as little or as much as they want and match their efforts.

You sound like a really lovely person but it sounds like you're projecting a relationship on to her that she doesn't want to have with you. She does not want to video call but you keep trying , you want to discuss your pregnancy but she doesn't. For your own mental health you need to let her be, don't try and communicate or force anything.

It could be anything, they could be having relationship problems.
I would just send a normal message , normal conversation asking how she is. See what she comes back with.