To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

[ConkerGame]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

This - people get pregnant every day. It’s been happening since the beginning of time. It’s not a first pregnancy, first grandchild, or a miraculous pregnancy after years of trying and IVF. And I say that as someone who suffered multiple miscarriages. BIL has sent their well wishes - that’s enough. You don’t need a huge fanfare to announce it, nor should expect one in response. It’s all a bit weird, really. Am sure SIL will show interest when she sees you.

If they arranged a FaceTime call to announce their second, then it’s not weird OP’s DH did the same.

It’s not normal in our family, but OP says this is the norm in their family.

Why is everyone acting like op wanted a parade she was just letting her family know she's pregnant it would be weird if she didn't. She has stated facetime calls are normal in her family. I dont think its to much to expect for someone to acknowledge a family members pregnancy as that child will be sil niece or nephew. Yes sil may be having her own issues just like all of us but it's not an excuse to ignore someone and not even send a txt that takes seconds.

Seriously? A bit harsh

All babies should be important to the family's they're being born into & it's hardly as if they don't see eachother & this is the 10th+ child between them all

OP you probably just need to lay off them for awhile it's possible they aren't happy for whatever reason & your baby isn't going to be better of around them

Well you've answered your own question, clearly something else is going on. She clearly avoided the call and you were being ridiculously pushy. It could be anything, maybe they are splitting up? Maybe she's found a lump and is waiting for a 2 week wait appointment, maybe she is struggling to conceive, maybe she is in the middle of losing a pregnancy. The world doesn't revolve around you.

My mum had my little sister (her third child) at 39, when I was 6. There could be something else going on with your SIL - or it's just not that big of a deal! Having had my second a few months ago, people have made less of a fuss ..... And that's ok! You can't control people's reactions to news. When I told my sister about one of my pregnancies, she was initially a bit miffed as I wouldn't be drinking with her that Xmas, ha!

It sounds like your SIL not the right person at the moment to delve Into any pregnancy issues with. She hadn't done anything wrong, so I'd just carry on as normal.

Tell me you have no intention of listening to anyone’s viewpoint but your own without telling me you have no intention of listening to anyone’s viewpoint but your own 🙄 🙈

Just because she's 39 and has a 5 year old doesn't mean anything - they could have been trying for a few years. Either way I think it's fair enough if she didnt want the call.

Ok thanks all. I really did think they would be excited to hear, hence us trying to announce it in the usual way rather than being more quiet or sensitive about it. Sounds like I totally misjudged the likelihood of fertility issues so I’ll bear that in mind now.

everyone saying other people’s pregnancy announcements aren’t interesting to other people - that’s not the case at all in my experience and luckily my friends (who are all ahead of us in the children timeline) have been very excited, can’t wait to add another child to the little kids gang etc, as have their kids! Some of those friends have seriously bad things happening in their lives but it doesn’t mean they don’t care about anyone else or take the time to congratulate/ commiserate with others.

I realise our announcement plans make me look like a bit of a diva but it’s honestly normal for our relationship. Our nephew arranged a FaceTime with us to tell us he’d won an award at school and we were genuinely happy for him even though he was only in reception so I’m not sure how serious an award it is! We sent him a card to say congratulations and a little present. I wouldn’t have dreamed of ignoring it even though it’s not directly “relevant” to me and I have plenty going on in my own life with toddler, new job, house requiring lots of work, etc.

anyway, point taken, I know I can’t control how she reacts, it was just upsetting me as I thought we were closer and I’ve now realised she probably doesn’t see me in the same way I see her (bit of a sister, given neither of us have sisters of our own). Will also make sure I tone down any talk of the pregnancy in case they are experiencing any fertility difficulties. Thanks for offering a different perspective.

I actually think it's a bit intrusive to speculate on whether SIL has fertility issues or is going through relationship troubles etc.

So much more likely that she's just busy, doesn't consider herself particularly close to op, and forgot and/or considered that BIL's response was enough

Our nephew arranged a FaceTime with us to tell us he’d won an award at school and we were genuinely happy for him even though he was only in reception so I’m not sure how serious an award it is! We sent him a card to say congratulations and a little present.

That was very kind of you but really far above and beyond what anyone would expect. Simply "yay well done George!!" would be enough.

If you go above and beyond, you can't expect people to match/reciprocate that. It's too much to expect.

I feel like I’ve fallen through the looking glass reading this thread.

A woman with 2 kids aged 39 who may or may not be struggling to conceive is unlikely to have fertility problems. Firstly she’s conceived 2 children naturally. Second, she’s 39. And frankly is it WAS that they want a 3rd and are struggling perhaps she needs to realise how fortunate she is to have 2 and that by 39 it’s just a bit harder.

Far more likely that she doesn’t care or that she’s busy or just perhaps a bit rude. As much as, like I said in an earlier post, don’t care much when other people announce their pregnancies, I at least send a congratulatory text because I’m not a monster

Yes but this is the OP's second child not third. It's not like she's trying to outdo her ffs.

@ConkerGame it sounds like SIL is going through something at the moment that made her try to avoid an on-screen reaction. It may or may not be related to fertility issues/pregnancy loss, it could be something else entirely.

I think she tried to get out of it, but you didn't take the hint.

I think you have been a bit lacking in critical thinking over this and are unfair to compare to friends that have been through bad things in the past.

Honestly, OP, I think I’d have read the room when it was taking so long to arrange to FaceTime, and the fact that your SIL was otherwise occupied. They’re not, at the moment, for whatever reason, particularly excited by your pregnancy announcement, and your SIL presumably felt that her good wishes had been adequately conveyed by her DH on the call.

It’s your over-the-top response to this (‘We’re not as close as I thought!’’She’s the only other woman of our generation in the family!’) that makes me think you’re a bit full on. You can’t compare that to a five year old wanting to tell you about his Reception award! He’s a small child!

I don’t think they need to have fertility issues or significant personal problems to ‘explain’ their response. It’s just a nice piece of news to them that was adequately responded to by your BIL on the call. No reason for you to need to behave any differently when you see them.

Eh? You may have read me wrong there - this is not to do with number of pregnancies, like some kind of rivalry...

My point was that news of anyone's pregnancy can be upsetting to somebody stifling with fertility issues. I have not had that struggle personally, but I know lots of people going through it. It is hard

Don’t presume that - a friend of mine had two DC when I was trying for DS2. Her younger one was the same age as mine - 7. She was not trying for a third, but became pregnant and miscarried. She was devastated.

Congratulations but please back right off as there is almost certainly something like this going on. Another possibility is that she wanted 3 but her DH has said no, and she’s struggling to come to terms with that.

A woman aged 39 with two DC could very well have had a mc. Or may well now have secondary or tertiary infertility if it’s called that. It’s clear that her DH was ensuring that she wasn’t on the call - protecting her. Why on earth would you assume that she is rude?

Oh god, we have friends like this! It has to be a big FaceTime announcement every time that we schedule in a week in advance and everyone has to gather round. It’s so tedious and doesn’t feel special at all. I’d much prefer a WhatsApp to say baby due on xx and then we could send our congratulations back. I wouldn’t think too much into this as long as BIL said congrats, I’d see that as from the both of them. Pregnancy announcements are pretty much only exciting to the couple doing them. Everyone else is just trying to get through the day, especially if they have small children.

I don’t think anything necessarily suggests that. I mean, it could be, but it could equally be that this announcement fell under the ‘Nice but not earth-shattering’ news category for them, and SIL said ‘This will be a pregnancy, and no offence, but after I get the kids to bed, I don’t want to go on FaceTime, I want to collapse on the sofa and watch Traitors, so will you deal with it and say congrats from us both?’

We have several sets of very good, longterm friends in other countries and even though we adore them, and love talking to them, sometimes it’s hard to muster the energy to FaceTime after a busy day and getting small children to sleep.

This. People who go above and beyond often have high expectations that it will be reciprocated, these people will always be disappointed. Best to chill out, it makes life much easier

You sound quite full on in your posts - could it be that she just doesn’t want to invite the conversation with you? Are you likely to message a lot about the pregnancy? It feels like maybe she’s tired and busy and knows that you are going to be needing support she doesn’t currently have the capacity to give. There may also be fertility issues that compound the response. Have you checked in on her at all during the time you were waiting to announce? It feels like you set high expectations of people and the reality is that you won’t always get out what you put in because people just don’t have it to give.

She could be struggling with miscarriage or infertility. I'd think it far more likely she just thinks the whole announcement business is overblown and tedious and she's trying to reset the expectations.

Because it’s rude not to congratulate a family member their pregnancy no matter what you’re going through.

But her DH congratulated them on her behalf on FaceTime — I’d certainly consider that as ‘covering’ me too when it comes to acknowledging something pleasant but expected/usual, like a pregnancy, in DH’s family. Only if someone had very bad, unexpected news, like a serious diagnosis, or a bereavement, would I then also contact them separately myself.