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Original poster

To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

287 replies

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 21:39

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 22/01/2025 22:44

FumingTRex · 22/01/2025 21:50

To be honest I’m not sure I would message my husbands siblings about their pregnancy, I would just assume that DH’s congratulations were from me too. I wouldn’t be excited either- sorry! It’s more exciting for you as you are going through it for the first time. I wouldn’t read anything into her reaction (or lack of).

This. Expecting others to make it a big deal is a bit unrealistic.

Original poster
ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 22:44

Thanks all. With the FaceTime, I guess it’s just the pattern we’ve fallen into as a family - it’s totally normal to arrange a call for both couples when there’s news or to say happy birthday etc.

I would be quite surprised if it was fertility issues given she’s 39 and her youngest is nearly 5 so I really think they are done with that phase, although I guess you never know.

Also people saying nobody is excited for second children - we were just as excited for their second as their first and couldn’t wait to meet our new niece. I obviously want my children to be loved by their family so would hope family members would be excited about their arrival. My own brother has been very excited about it, so that’s nice. Just wanted a woman who’s been through it before to talk about it with. I’ve actually had quite a few issues already this time round (after a thankfully easy pregnancy last time) and would love to be able to talk about with her as she also had difficulties in her pregnancies.

OP posts:
Evenworseformeeces · 22/01/2025 22:45

This seems really OTT! Not everyone likes to make a big fuss about pregnancy announcements. As others have pointed out, the really obvious reasons would be that your announcement was triggering for her due to a reason such as infertility or baby loss. I’m surprised that you kept pushing it when they clearly didn’t want to indulge you with the whole big FaceTime pregnancy reveal.

Or perhaps she just isn’t as interested in these big types of announcements and would rather just congratulate you personally when she next sees you.

HaveItAll90 · 22/01/2025 22:45

There will be a reason, I'd say cut her some slack,

Congrats on your pregnancy

UnicornWorld · 22/01/2025 22:46

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 22:44

Thanks all. With the FaceTime, I guess it’s just the pattern we’ve fallen into as a family - it’s totally normal to arrange a call for both couples when there’s news or to say happy birthday etc.

I would be quite surprised if it was fertility issues given she’s 39 and her youngest is nearly 5 so I really think they are done with that phase, although I guess you never know.

Also people saying nobody is excited for second children - we were just as excited for their second as their first and couldn’t wait to meet our new niece. I obviously want my children to be loved by their family so would hope family members would be excited about their arrival. My own brother has been very excited about it, so that’s nice. Just wanted a woman who’s been through it before to talk about it with. I’ve actually had quite a few issues already this time round (after a thankfully easy pregnancy last time) and would love to be able to talk about with her as she also had difficulties in her pregnancies.

OP, she's sending her signals. She doesn't want to talk about it. I'm sorry, but she doesn't. You need to stop before you damage your relationship.
Out of interest would you not visit each other in person?

Doloresparton · 22/01/2025 22:48

Congratulations.
However
Your lives are interesting to your respective parents, that’s it really.
Baby announcements are nice but unless the angel Gabriel has visited I’m afraid you’re just another pregnant woman.

PixieandDelilahsmum · 22/01/2025 22:48

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think it may have been preferable to have told them what the news was in the first text rather than all the messaging about when to FaceTime. They probably guessed what your news was, anyway. Maybe there was just too much unnecessary build up. I think your SIL sounds busy, maybe she’s stressed. I would definitely accept the congratulations from your BIL as being from both of them.

Green44 · 22/01/2025 22:51

SapphireOpal · 22/01/2025 22:03

My guess is that as you say they knew it was likely to be a pregnancy announcement and SIL deliberately didn't join the call because she's having issues with fertility (loss, TTC, whatever). Honestly I think you were a bit insensitive to keep badgering them when it was clear they weren't keen on a facetime. Couldn't you have just sent a message?

This…

Moonshower · 22/01/2025 22:52

I agree with PP, I bet there’s a reason and being told on FaceTime would be the worse if you have experienced infertility / miscarriages / loss. She might have had a MMC in Dec for all you know.

Just leave it, you don’t need to say anything and crack on.

saraclara · 22/01/2025 22:53

You said it was obvious why you wanted the face time. It was also pretty obvious that for whatever reason, they didn't want it. But you were so focused on your need to make a big announcement, that you didn't take the hint.

There's clearly something going on, and it's not about you. So just enjoy your pregnancy and stop feeling put out that someone isn't responding in the way you want.

TankFlyBossWalkJamNittyGrittyIAmFromAMidSizeCity · 22/01/2025 22:54

Just wanted a woman who’s been through it before to talk about it with. I’ve actually had quite a few issues already this time round (after a thankfully easy pregnancy last time) and would love to be able to talk about with her as she also had difficulties in her pregnancies.

She has made it very clear she cannot deal with your pregnancy at the moment, for whatever reason. You absolutely cannot expect her to go through traumas she suffered in her own pregnancies in order to talk you through it.

I'm very sorry that you're having difficulties but you're going to need to speak to medical staff or even start a thread on here so people can choose to help and discuss things with you.

Alabas · 22/01/2025 22:54

CraftyNavySeal · 22/01/2025 22:00

Tbh unless you are close friends, someone’s relatives second pregnancy just isn’t that interesting.

Like I would congratulate you in passing but I wouldn’t go out of my way.

Yeah the same. I think I left all that side of things to my husband (telling them etc.). I really get on with them, but I think pregnancy especially a second, isn’t really a big deal unless your the prospective parents.

Doyoumind · 22/01/2025 22:55

Pre-arranging a Facetime call for all 4 of you to announce a second child just seems weird to me. In my family, a spontaneous call or text between siblings would suffice.

Hercisback1 · 22/01/2025 22:55

Whatever her issue is, it's not about you. Leave her alone for a while and message in a few weeks seeing how she is and don't mention your pregnancy.

Eldermillenialyogi · 22/01/2025 22:55

Your pregnancy is big news for you but not necessarily for everyone else. Just enjoy it and don't expect too much of other people.

There could be something else going on such as fertility issues but it could also just be that no one's going to be nearly as excited about your pregnancy as you are.

Loopytiles · 22/01/2025 22:55

Don’f compound things by trying to talk to her about fertility stuff!

Viviennemary · 22/01/2025 22:59

willowbrookmanor · 22/01/2025 22:32

All seems a bit OTT.

This is what I thought. You just say I'm pregnant and folk say oh that's nice and maybe ask a few questions or make a few remarks amd that's it. Not a fanfare of announcements. Your expectations are way over the top.

DoraBella88 · 22/01/2025 22:59

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 21:39

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

Congratulations on your happy exciting news.

different perspective though, she may be hurting.

me and DH lost a baby 13yrs ago and then didn’t conceive. We both both dreaded face times and family get together. Had to prep ourselves for them. My sister called excited to tell me she was pregnant. We adore our niece but we hurt a lot. Then my MIL pulled us aside at a public event to say SIL wanted to talk to us, then FaceTimed to tell us she was pregnant. We squeezed each other and was happy for her ( we genuinely were happy) but god it hurt. We also adore our niece too.

more recently we finally got pregnant but I miscarried sadly. One of my best friends told me she was pregnant after our loss annd didn’t know about it (still doesn’t) and then burst in to tears as she was worried about my reactions and didn’t want to upset me. She told me I could cry and be angry. But my heart broke for her upset at telling me.

She’s probably so happy for you but maybe feeling sad for herself.

enjoy your pregnancy and let her have some space. You may be a close family but sometimes you don’t know the full story. My ILs didn’t know about my MC until they randomly crossed paths with my DH and he told them (he’s very private and hides his emotions)

gove her some space then reach out ❤️

waterrat · 22/01/2025 22:59

Said kindly but you seem to be massively over thinking all this. Perhaps they have other stresses or stuff on their minds and she has literally just forgotten to get back to you

However nice it is to get new pregnancy news I don't think it's wildly exciting after a first one ?

It seems quite claustrophobic to demand their presence in a video call tbh whatever the news.

I think just assume she knows and if you want to chat yo her go ahead and act normal

Jk987 · 22/01/2025 23:02

I think you should have called or FaceTimed spontaneously instead of arranging a day and time. Too much build up, especially for a 2nd pregnancy.

Gazelda · 22/01/2025 23:04

If it's because of fertility difficulties, or a miscarriage, then surely you can understand her reasons for not wanting to be on the call? In fact, she's been sensitive to you by not wanting to risk showing her upset when you announce your happy news.

Or maybe they're having relationship difficulties. Again, she's tried not to make your announcement about her.

Cut her some slack and try to understand not everyone is enjoying a happy life right now,

I hope you are able to catch up with her soon, and that you'll clear the air between you. I'm sure she's pleased for you deep down, but maybe not able to show delight right now.

Onlyonekenobe · 22/01/2025 23:07

They deliberately chose a time to FaceTime which was bathtime.

That’s after pushing it off the first time.

He took the call, told you not to bother waiting for her.

She hasn’t texted you since.

She doesn’t want to talk about your pregnancy. I think it’s a leap to jump to fertility issues. It could be anything: she’s got health problems if her own, one of her children does, one of her parents does, they’re arguing over whether to have a third, she just doesn’t want to interact with you for other reasons right now. It could be anything.

It’s not about you. This single thing doesn’t mean your child won’t be loved by its wider family. Perhaps a little self-awareness might be in order: someone is telling you clearly that they don’t want to interact with you about something. That should be a signal to drop it: you shouldn’t want to force it either yourself (you’re not desperate) or her (you’re not unkind).

TheBluntTurtle · 22/01/2025 23:10

Kindly OP, I think their avoidance of having a call made it clear they didn’t want to have one, for whatever reason that is. It might be that they are having issues that you don’t know about, or maybe your feelings towards them aren’t as reciprocated as you thought and your SIL isn’t that interested, or they have other things going on in their lives. You said your BIL reacted how you wanted him to react - that’s good and id just leave it at that if I was you. Just act normally when you next see them - maybe wait to see if SIL/ BIL initiate chat about your pregnancy and take it from there. I am sorry that you didn’t get the reaction you expected, it is crappy when interest isn’t reciprocated or relationships feel one sided.

BeaAndBen · 22/01/2025 23:13

Congratulations! I hope your pregnancy goes well.

Your pregnancy is exciting news for you and your partner. When it’s your second (or third, or fourth) it really isn’t a big deal to the rest of the family. “Oh lovely, congratulations” is pretty much the extent of it.

Would I be right in guessing their second child was around the time you were considering having a baby? Because at that point All Things Baby are interesting. In the general scheme of things it’s just some nice news but not Big Announcement level.

Your SIL made it very clear she didn’t want to be on the call first by postponing then dealing with her children. Read the room, and treat her with the sensitivity she deserves.

Wordau · 22/01/2025 23:15

TheBluntTurtle · 22/01/2025 23:10

Kindly OP, I think their avoidance of having a call made it clear they didn’t want to have one, for whatever reason that is. It might be that they are having issues that you don’t know about, or maybe your feelings towards them aren’t as reciprocated as you thought and your SIL isn’t that interested, or they have other things going on in their lives. You said your BIL reacted how you wanted him to react - that’s good and id just leave it at that if I was you. Just act normally when you next see them - maybe wait to see if SIL/ BIL initiate chat about your pregnancy and take it from there. I am sorry that you didn’t get the reaction you expected, it is crappy when interest isn’t reciprocated or relationships feel one sided.

I agree.

She might be having fertility issues, she may just have had a miscarriage, she and bil may be having relationship issues, she might find you overbearing and overly effusive.

It doesn't really matter tbh. She's not been actively rude so I would just proceed as normal.

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