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Original poster

To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

287 replies

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 21:39

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 22/01/2025 23:16

You made it weird and awkward by making such a big deal of it. Why did it need to be a video call and both of them together? Maybe she was just cringed out by the palaver.

Nellyelephanty · 22/01/2025 23:18

Ah man I would be like SIL I’d think that’s nice and get on with my day. The congrats from dh would be enough. When I saw them in person I’d remember to say something nice like how exciting and ask a few more questions. I wouldn’t message and not because I don’t like them I just wouldn’t find the time to think it was a priority

Changingplace · 22/01/2025 23:26

I would be quite surprised if it was fertility issues given she’s 39 and her youngest is nearly 5 so I really think they are done with that phase, although I guess you never know.

Then it could be nearly 5 years of fertility issues ever since their last child was born?

Honestly just drop it, there was no need to keep pushing for them together on a call, when it took 10 days to arrange you should’ve taken their hint really and read the room a bit better.

I also wonder about how often this concept of getting everyone on a call has happened from their side?

You seem very keen on the idea, but realistically is it something you do and enjoy and they go along with? How often have they actually done similar for something they want to tell you?

CountingDownToSummer · 22/01/2025 23:33

There is obviously something going on behind the scenes op and you have to respect that.
You are pretty sure it's not fertility issues, how you can know this is strange, but it could be relationship issues, heart issues, children issues, you just don't know but I don't think it's anything you've done.

Infracat · 22/01/2025 23:35

I don't think you've been OTT at all and I would feel hurt also that she hadn't responded. It only takes a minute to type out a quick text saying congratulations. As you were with her children I was excited for my brother and sister in law when each of their children came along. And I would never not acknowledge a pregnancy like that. If something is going on in the background that's not your fault.

GravyBoatWars · 22/01/2025 23:47

First, congrats on your pregnancy.

I do agree with others that you're probably making too much of this. And I don't think you should be assuming anything about her not having fertility issues or sadness around not having a third or anything similar (I honestly don't understand why you think her being 39 and her second being 4 would suggest it isn't fertility issues). She also may be going through other things right now that just have her running on empty or not able to be celebratory. The other possibility is that pregnancy just isn't a subject she's excited to chat about or she's unhappy with the relationship between you. Do the two of you have a relationship where you regularly talk about things other than pregnancy/babies/motherhood, or do you mostly just reach out when you want to talk about this one area? Do you have friends who you can talk to about your pregnancy issues this time around or are you maybe putting too much onto this one person because you're missing that support elsewhere?

Excitement about meeting a new baby is not the same as excitement about a pregnancy, so try hard to separate those out in your mind. Meeting the newest family member is something that will happen months down the road. This is especially noticeable after the first when the change to the parents' lives is so much less dramatic and you've been pregnant before - with a first pregnancy there's excitement to support/witness the parents-to-be as they go through all of the weird newness and changes that come with pregnancy and the impending transition to parenthood, but that's really less acute after the first.

kirinm · 22/01/2025 23:49

No offence intended but wasn't it all a bit over the top? I get first pregnancies but not seconds.

UnicornWorld · 22/01/2025 23:50

Op, you say you don't think it's fertility because she's 39
You wanted her to respond so you could tell her about your difficulties when she had hers. You pushed a face time call she didn't want.

Do you show any interest in her? Ask her about herself? I know you say you were excited when she had children but as a day to day relationship?

kirinm · 22/01/2025 23:52

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 22:44

Thanks all. With the FaceTime, I guess it’s just the pattern we’ve fallen into as a family - it’s totally normal to arrange a call for both couples when there’s news or to say happy birthday etc.

I would be quite surprised if it was fertility issues given she’s 39 and her youngest is nearly 5 so I really think they are done with that phase, although I guess you never know.

Also people saying nobody is excited for second children - we were just as excited for their second as their first and couldn’t wait to meet our new niece. I obviously want my children to be loved by their family so would hope family members would be excited about their arrival. My own brother has been very excited about it, so that’s nice. Just wanted a woman who’s been through it before to talk about it with. I’ve actually had quite a few issues already this time round (after a thankfully easy pregnancy last time) and would love to be able to talk about with her as she also had difficulties in her pregnancies.

I had my DD when I was 40 and she's got a 22 year age gap with her brother. Lots if issues with getting and staying pregnant. Probably best not to assume.

ScaryM0nster · 22/01/2025 23:53

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 22:44

Thanks all. With the FaceTime, I guess it’s just the pattern we’ve fallen into as a family - it’s totally normal to arrange a call for both couples when there’s news or to say happy birthday etc.

I would be quite surprised if it was fertility issues given she’s 39 and her youngest is nearly 5 so I really think they are done with that phase, although I guess you never know.

Also people saying nobody is excited for second children - we were just as excited for their second as their first and couldn’t wait to meet our new niece. I obviously want my children to be loved by their family so would hope family members would be excited about their arrival. My own brother has been very excited about it, so that’s nice. Just wanted a woman who’s been through it before to talk about it with. I’ve actually had quite a few issues already this time round (after a thankfully easy pregnancy last time) and would love to be able to talk about with her as she also had difficulties in her pregnancies.

It seems pretty screamingly obvious that it’s a difficult subject for her / them, and you’re being particularly obtuse in not picking that up.

Youngest is 5, she’s 39, so quite possibly been trying for 2-3 years unsuccessfully and having to accept that it’s not likely to happen now if hasn’t so far.

They put it off for a bit, and then managed to find a time when she could tactifully avoid it. Reinforced by declining the option to delay.

As you said, it wasn’t rocket science for them to guess the topic.

Have some grace, be pleased for yourselves but accept it’s really tough for others who’d love to be in your position.

(and yes, you say a text would be nice, but then that initiates a correspondence on the topic - which clearly doesn’t want).

Merrygoround8 · 22/01/2025 23:59

People’s reactions are way more muted for second babies. I don’t think anything meant by it. And third babies…. Honestly I found some people barely acknowledge!

Maybe there is a reason for her lack of reaction. Maybe there isn’t, and she just thinks her husband spoke for both of them and she doesn’t need to ask how you are / finding pregnancy etc as you’re a dab hand at it.

Flossflower · 23/01/2025 00:01

You don’t know what is going on in their lives. Perhaps they don’t need your dramatics saying ‘look at me I’m pregnant. You must all be happy for me’.

peachystormy · 23/01/2025 00:01

Onelifeonly · 22/01/2025 22:33

I was surprised you wanted to book a face time appointment tbh. What's wrong with a message? It's hardly a surprise that a couple with a 2 year old are now having a second child - that must be the commonest family pattern ever. Maybe if you'd struggled for years to conceive, you could have expected more. Otherwise it's normal that far less fuss is made over the news of subsequent pregnancies. And, as has been said, SIL may have her own reasons for her lack of an excited, joyous response. You are happy with your news but that doesn't mean everyone else needs to be (and doesn't mean they aren't happy for you either).

Sorry but this...100%

BobbyBiscuits · 23/01/2025 00:02

Maybe you're not the main character their life? It could be they genuinely have little interest in other people's pregnancy or young children. Or it could be unintentionally hurtful if they struggled to conceive or lost a baby or something like that.

Notosmartphone · 23/01/2025 00:03

I had not initially clocked this was a second child. You are being way OTT sorry OP.

So is everyone suggesting fertility issues. It's not that deep.

RobinHeartella · 23/01/2025 00:07

She's probably just literally forgotten about it.

I've got two young kids, I barely have time to wash my hair, let alone think about relatives' pregnancies.

I'm sure she'll congratulate you when she sees you, and you can have a proper catch up.

RobinHeartella · 23/01/2025 00:10

So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us?

You need to think about her much less, as she probably doesn't think about you half as much. I'm sure BIL told her and she'll have said "ah, how nice. Did you remember to book the wraparound/pay the milkman/write in the homework planner/arrange the..." and it'll have immediately gone out of her head again

poemsandwine · 23/01/2025 00:10

When I read about the FaceTime, I thought it was your first, long-awaited child. But it's not, and your SIL likely thinks her husband's congratulations counts for her as well. I wouldn't have texted you separately and think you're expecting too much.

You should have taken the hint that they have stuff going on when you had to push for the video call tbh.

Pallisers · 23/01/2025 00:17

Onelifeonly · 22/01/2025 22:33

I was surprised you wanted to book a face time appointment tbh. What's wrong with a message? It's hardly a surprise that a couple with a 2 year old are now having a second child - that must be the commonest family pattern ever. Maybe if you'd struggled for years to conceive, you could have expected more. Otherwise it's normal that far less fuss is made over the news of subsequent pregnancies. And, as has been said, SIL may have her own reasons for her lack of an excited, joyous response. You are happy with your news but that doesn't mean everyone else needs to be (and doesn't mean they aren't happy for you either).

This sums it up. She could have said to her husband "ah that's lovely I must text her to say congrats" and then forgot to text. She may have said "lovely news". She may have something else going on in her life that means she has no time or headspace for anything. No matter what it is she hasn't been mean to you or done anything wrong.

If she is someone you text regularly, just text her soon about something random - or even about something pregnancy related (god this time around I can't eat bananas! kind of thing). If she isn't someone you text regularly then the next time you meet up she'll congratulate you and be fine.

Don't overthink it.

tellmesomethingtrue · 23/01/2025 00:18

I'm going through a painful divorce. I'm not interested in hearing about anyone's engagements or pregnancies right now. Doesn't mean I don't care but I'm not exerting any energy towards people's life events at the moment.

tellmesomethingtrue · 23/01/2025 00:20

As well as possible fertility issues, they might be having financial trouble which has muted her response. Could be many reasons.

Endofyear · 23/01/2025 00:29

It's very possible that she could have suffered a miscarriage or been struggling to conceive since the birth of her last child. You've been congratulated by BIL so let it go. While your pregnancy is obviously very exciting for you, it's not going to be uppermost in other people's minds. She's probably just got a lot going on.

Gabitule · 23/01/2025 00:43

What do you want OP, for people to pretend they’re super excited about your news even if they just feel a bit lukewarm about it (as many people would about someone else’s baby)? Good for you for being genuinely exited about their pregnancies but not everyone feels the same. As you say, they already had other news about your new house, jobs, etc so this could only have been about the pregnancy. So they knew but didn’t rush to have the call with you. That’s your first hint! When the call happened, only your BIL attended. He made all the right noises. But no, that wasn’t enough, you wanted your SIL to be on the call making the right noises too…. I guess, for whatever reason, she doesn’t feel that excited for you. Maybe it’s not because of fertility issues, maybe she just doesn’t consider it that important to congratulate you separately given that her husband did it for both of them. Maybe she’s just a bit tired with the kids and life and other issues and your pregnancy is the last thing on her mind.
Who knows. All I know is if I was you I’d be floating on a cloud and thank all my stars for my luck. No room left for being precious

YearsofYears · 23/01/2025 00:45

Onlyonekenobe · 22/01/2025 23:07

They deliberately chose a time to FaceTime which was bathtime.

That’s after pushing it off the first time.

He took the call, told you not to bother waiting for her.

She hasn’t texted you since.

She doesn’t want to talk about your pregnancy. I think it’s a leap to jump to fertility issues. It could be anything: she’s got health problems if her own, one of her children does, one of her parents does, they’re arguing over whether to have a third, she just doesn’t want to interact with you for other reasons right now. It could be anything.

It’s not about you. This single thing doesn’t mean your child won’t be loved by its wider family. Perhaps a little self-awareness might be in order: someone is telling you clearly that they don’t want to interact with you about something. That should be a signal to drop it: you shouldn’t want to force it either yourself (you’re not desperate) or her (you’re not unkind).

This is what I thought too. She's probably busy with her own kids / work/household and I'm sure will congratulate you in time.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 23/01/2025 00:50

The whole announcement thing does seem a bit elaborate to me, but I also understand why you'd be upset that she hadn't followed up with a text. Something's going on for her. I'd focus on the people who have been delighted for you and see what comes up when you next see her.