To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

[ConkerGame]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

I think people are being a tad harsh, in that I do agree it's normal to congratulate family members on pregnancies 2nd or otherwise.

I think the issue is more that I think many couples don't see it as something they both have to do - I suspect SIL sees it as BIL has said it for both of them, not that she is deliberately not saying it if you see what I mean

Congratulations on your pregnancy !

She may well be struggling to conceive herself and can't take the news over the video call that said she still could congratulate you!! I know when I struggled to conceive I was always grateful of a message with news like that so I could process it first then be happy for the couple, Ive always been very careful how I tell people I'm pregnant because having been through it myself you never know what they are going through that said it shouldnt dampen your happy news xx

Fair enough, I have said earlier I think it was all a bit of a fanfare and I reckon SIL maybe thinks the same

Surely that's prime time to think it might be fertility issues, if they haven't said they're done at 2?

She's getting a bit older, they could well have been TTC a 3rd for a few years since their youngest was a toddler, and it's not working.

The Op is asking how she should 'handle
this situation'.

Her starting premise is that there is something to be resolved.

I don't think that is the case. If my DH had passed on our congratulations I'd consider that sufficient.

I don't think anything needs handling. Obviously if there are bigger issues at play that will become apparent in the fullness of time, then the Op can have a rethink.

But for now I'd take BILs congratulations on their behalf at face value and crack on as normal. Don't chase problems.

how many times did you and your partner message them when they cancelled to reschedule?

As someone who is going through infertility and having investigations this would be my absolute worst nightmare to be hassled for a face-time when I knew what the call was going to be about. But I've got no children so this is different. She obviously has two little ones. Perhaps she is struggling or has suffered a loss and just thinking about someone close to her pregnant is upsetting to her. Perhaps she doesn't see you as close to her as you thought.

I remind myself, that I am not going to be everyone's centre of their universe, to me I am but to others I'm not and I understand it's upsetting to hear but I think people need to realise that more when they are upset with other people's reactions. Sad but true.

Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy and congratulations! 😊

Yes. I also think it’s interesting in the context of how so many Mners seem to normalise relationship dynamics where women do all the ‘emotional work’ for their DH’s family, including marking family events, remembering birthdays, arranging visits etc.

In this case, it’s the two men who are brothers so it seems to me perfectly natural that he’s the one who took the call while his wife did bedtime, and why he’s the one who offered congratulations etc.

I can imagine doing the same if it was one of DH’s brothers — it’s his family so I’ll do bedtime while he takes the call. The congratulations on something nice but expected would absolutely cover us both, just as it would if one of my sisters and her DH were telling us they were having a baby. I’d lead on the congratulations. DH would be unlikely to then congratulate them separately until he next saw them in person, when he would obviously be pleased etc..

Exactly, I think both couples just have different dynamics with this.

I do leave most of DH's family stuff to him, except for really big things - e.g. when my SIL's dad passed away, I did send condolences from me personally as well as DH doing it from him

Agree. I'd move past it and act normally.

Err no - if I’d had a mc just before my SIL was pregnant, then DH would have congratulated them. Having been through 3 mc myself, I would not be badgering to get my SIL on the phone in OP’s situation - I would realise that there is a reason why she can’t face seeing me.

Ok thank you all, honestly I had discounted any risk of fertility issues as I did think they were two and done (in fairness they’ve never said this but also never mentioned wanting a third so I had just assumed). Lesson learnt.

I was upset as I thought SIL and I had our own friendship separate from DH’s relationship with his brother and it felt rude/dismissive/awkward in that context that she wouldn’t message me.

also she is my children’s only aunt so I was feeling upset on new DC’s behalf that she’s not too excited about them, but hopefully she will be keen to get to know them once they’re here and able to interact with their cousins (again our kids are each other’s only cousins so far so that’s another relationship that feels important to me). Appreciate not everyone feels the same about non-biological family though, although personally I think that’s sad unless there’s genuine reasons to not get on!

Thing is, it doesn't matter what the reason is. Just there obviously is one and it's probably got nothing to do with you. You don't need to know what it is so you can judge whether you approve of that reason or not.

Just enjoy your pregnancy, don't dwell on this thing, which is nothing in the grand scheme and let things happen as they happen.

I hadn't planned on a third, but when I miscarried I had a day's grace before attending a do where my sil announced her pregnancy. It stung. I congratulated them, rushed home and bawled my eyes out. It could be similar, it could be anything else. You just don't know. It doesn't reflect well on you that you judged her so harshly for not behaving the way you wanted her to.

@gamerchick rhe reason does matter to me. If she just can’t be bothered then that is hurtful and makes me re-think the relationship, especially after the support I’ve given her in the past.

I wouldn’t have said it’s just “the way I want her to”. I would have said it was the normal, appropriate way before I read this thread. Everyone else we’ve told has messaged to say congratulations (as I always have done for the many, many announcements I’ve received from others), so she’s definitely in the minority in ignoring it.

Honestly pregnant announcements are only exciting when you are in the baby mad window of wanting to try for a first, you’re the other parent or a grandparent.
I can’t imagine much people with older children are all that fussed when a relative or friend is pregnant with a second child! It’s hardly a big announcement.
You’re putting too much of your happiness in the reactions of others, you wanted to be pregnant, now you are! That’s it really.

Other people's pregnancy announcements/talk of babies are really not that exciting to anybody other than the parents/grandparents. Particularly when it isn't a first baby.

@Completelyjo fair enough - it appears that many people on this thread agree with you. For me, this is one of those “MN is a parallel universe” situations as I know many people with more than one child and everyone has been excited to hear their news, then excited to find out the sex, then happy to meet them and find out their name when they arrive - both wider family and friends. In my friendship groups, people are always asking the pregnant person how they are, whether they need any items for the baby, organising a celebratory tea or lunch for them shortly before the arrival etc. we also all drop off meals etc when the baby comes. This is for 2nd and third children as well as first.

They obviously really didn’t want to FaceTime you to hear the inevitable pregnancy announcement. But you pushed it anyway and are now annoyed that it didn’t go how you wanted?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Just don’t force anyone else into a video announcement - a text message is just fine.

I wouldn’t assume it’s as deep as SIL having fertility issues or trying to avoid the topic for other unknown reasons. It’s super common for DH and I to assume anything discussed with SIL or BIL is passed on to the absent party, it simply wouldn’t have crossed my mind to send a separate text to congratulate you when DH had already shared congratulations.

Admittedly my thinking might be somewhat skewed as I’m partial to fairly muted pregnancy announcements. With DD it was mostly on a need to know basis as I was fearful of things going wrong, and with our current pregnancy news of him only came to light as my in-laws were trying to organise a family trip abroad that would have fallen after the cut off for me safely being able to travel so we mentioned that DD would have a sibling soon so they understood why we couldn’t attend.

People don't care after the first. And many people find pregnancy announcements difficult - as other posters have said there could be fertility issues, losses, and strain you don't know about. That's why it is usually recommended to send a text when announcing.

You’re being dramatic though, you told her DH over face time you were pregnant 2 weeks ago. She hasn’t seen you since let alone spoken to you.
There’s nothing to suggest she won’t feign some interest when you’re talking about your pregnancy, or the sex or baby items etc and certainly nothing to suggest she won’t be happy to meet the baby!
Its very ott to be stewing about this relatively minor interaction 2 weeks later!

If it's totally out of character for them it's likely they're going through a hard time - I would guess relationship problems. But who knows.
Have you sent her a friendly message to see how she is?

You made a huge fuss !
I hate face time always avoid it if I can and certainly don’t use it for people that live that close only for international relatives
take as ie the hint that either thAere are issues or she’s not that bothered
personally I’d haves texted congrats even if I was experiencing issues as that’s good manners

OP, you sound very needy and OTT. Also the FaceTime calls all sound very tedious and dramatic.