Awkward work colleague situation

[AlexisP90]

Male colleague - ill call him Henry for the sake of this thread.

Me and Henry have been close work colleagues for about 6 years (length of time we have both worked at our work place)

When I say close - when we are in the office we go for lunch, have teams chit chat calls when we are not. Me and Henry both have partners and children. Never has anything been more than chats and lunch.

At the Christmas party Henry got drunk and told me he liked me more than a friend. He leaned in for a kiss which I moved away from. I then told him to get a cab and I went home.

Nothing was mentioned again. Great.

Anyway. Last night there were work drinks. I didn't go. Henry got drunk and text me repeating he liked me and tried to call a few times.
I ignored all and haven't replied to anything.

I have to go in tomorrow for a meeting. He will be there.

Do I mention it? Bring it up? Ignore it? I hold a senior position in the company (as does he) and really don't want him to keep doing this and other colleagues hear and start gossiping but at the same time I don't want to make it more awkward by bringing it up...

No its not. Its a case of dont give people wrong ideas. And yes, I know its bad etc - she thought they were friends - but come on, let's be realistic here. If you liked a guy and he spent so much time with you, wouldn't this give you a hope he liked you? And I do find it inappropriate, on both sides. I hate the idea of "work wife" and similar shit. Its very uncomfortable when people you work with start acting this way.

But I do agree that he is a total dick and should be reported - she made it clear first time she wasn't interested, so he should have stopped. Or at least apologised etc.

To add: he clearly misread the situation, which is fair enough. But he should have stopped.

And I know its "friendship" but believe me, may office affairs start this way (cosy lunches together and chatting all day on teams etc).

If you liked that person then yes I can understand why it might give you a little hope. But you should squash any hope down when they give a flat no as OP did.

god, I am a late 40s married woman who manages a team of 24, of which 21 are young men. I must be leading them all on every time we grab lunch, or I buy them a few drinks.

That's like saying "many affairs start by two people looking at each other". Yes, obviously, but it doesn't mean we should avert our eyes from all members of the opposite sex lest we be tempted.

Chatting on teams and having lunch with someone are not inherently a slippery slope to an affair. Many, many people have done those things without either person making a move.

Thank you! Yes, I have too much experience and knowledge I wish I didn't have.

If nothing else this might help someone else.

I've got to say i am shocked that some people find lunch and chats with a colleague of the opposite sex so taboo...

I'm 36 - ever since I entered the workforce at 17 this has just been totally normal... heck my second ever job I was the only female in my team. If I didn't chat to the men I would have had to have been a mute at work!

MN is a very sex-obsessed place. There are many posters here who cannot imagine any interaction between men and women that doesn't have a sexual undertone to it. Other posters' lived experience of platonic friendships just goes over their heads.

I had a line manager some years ago who was excellent. He didn't last long only about because he was given a poisoned chalice from our head of dept, saw through all the nonsense and resigned without even having a job to go to (he soon got one) and we have kept in touch ever since then, as I also left the toxic workplace not long afterwards. We message every so often, not regularly, maybe 4 times a year or so. He moved to the other end of the country and messaged me about three weeks ago, his wife had died not too long back which is sad. Apart from giving condolences I didn't push for any more information. I have a friend who lives in the same general area as him and I spend time with her each summer and he suggested that when I am there this year we meet for a catch up. I told another friend this and got this.

He wants to be your boyfriend/get in your knickers
Men can't be on their own/by themselves for long
You're going to have problems

The bloke's wife died fgs.

How sad. I'm so sorry you had to hear that nonsense from your friend.

@AlexisP90 thanks, I have discovered since writing this this morning that his wife was involved in a RTA.

I'm sorry about your trials with Henry too and the comments you've received. I regularly have lunch/coffee with colleagues, male, female, straight, gay and never think for a minute I'm encouraging anyone, but then again we don't have a Henry in our place!

The guy hasn't asked me to meet because his wife's no longer on the scene, it's because he didn't know I go there every summer before now as I'd never said. I don't think he meant anything like what was suggested.

It's very clever and perceptive of you to know exactly what everyone else (including a stranger on the internet) is feeling at all times. Unfortunately, many of us are not blessed with these amazing psychic skills.

On a completely seperate topic, I have known a few women who assume that every man that talks to them wants them. It's... not pretty.

OP, you sound like you've handled this very well.

Its probably all just a misunderstanding and read the wrong signals, men have feelings as well so talk to him.

@tabletimesgo

Grow up, this man would not have overstepped the mark if he had not been allowed to overstep certain social boundaries.

Ah yes of course, men famously never do this 🙄

Quite! My business partner is male and we work long hours, so I spend just as much time, if not more time, with him each week than I do my own DH!

I also regularly meet up with a male former colleague for a lunch and catch up.

DH has no issue with either of these and neither would I if he worked closely with a female colleague.

If I was meeting up with male colleagues or friends and NOT telling my DH then yes, that's a massive problem, but it's perfectly acceptable to be friends with someone of the opposite sex!

I've had plenty of platonic male friends in my life, some from work and others not. One in particular (we worked together very closely for years) became as good a friend to my late DH as to me. My grandmother also had male friends, some lifelong, and she was born in the 19th century, so this is hardly a new or unusual situation.

I don't recognise this strange world view where the OP is meant to have behaved in any way inappropriately, because she hasn't.

OP, a minority on here have made me think us women should reconsider menz feelz.
It's clear you need a bigger wedding ring and a tattoo across your head saying 'taken'. Men otherwise may think that you being polite and friendly is sexual. Better still, cover yourself while out of the kitchen. Women know your place!

I know sometimes I think people are just jealous.. I hope you go for a catch up have a friendship see where it leads either way .

@Tillow4ever your situation isn’t comparable unless your friend was married at the time. Imagine that showing up on the relationship board….my husband went away with his best female friend for the weekend and they shared a bed but he said nothing happened, should I be worried?!

Or the all too common thread about how my husband has lunch/drinks with the same female colleague every time he’s in the office and when he’s working from home he’s always messaging her about non-work related stuff, should I be suspicious?! In an ideal world no of course not but in the real world , as evidenced by the relationship board and this thread, the wife would have cause for concern because this behaviour can be indicative of some sort of affair or lack of boundaries. In OPs case it was exactly that on the part of her ‘friend’.

Nothing bad has happened to me but I’m experienced enough to know that often when married, heterosexual male colleagues go out of their way to spend a lot of time with you at work, their intentions aren’t always pure. It’s a lesson OP had learned the hard way if she genuinely believed it was just her conversation that this married friend was after!

I was replying to the poster who said men and women can NEVER be "just friends" and giving specifics about our friendship to show how completely platonic it was despite being in situations it could easily have gone further.

@Tillow4ever men and women can be friends. I’m not blaming op for this man’s actions, he is accountable. I’m just pointing out that imo she showed a lack of judgement forming such a close relationship with a married colleague. Wires can get crossed when people don’t maintain clear; professional boundaries.

Yep. Definitely blame OP. Well done 👍🏻

You’re being ridiculous and old fashioned. Times have changed.

@Rainbowscakes

Or the all too common thread about how my husband has lunch/drinks with the same female colleague every time he’s in the office and when he’s working from home he’s always messaging her about non-work related stuff, should I be suspicious?! In an ideal world no of course not but in the real world , as evidenced by the relationship board and this thread, the wife would have cause for concern because this behaviour can be indicative of some sort of affair or lack of boundaries. In OPs case it was exactly that on the part of her ‘friend’.

Unlike a lot of those scenarios OP has been very clear that they never spoke outside work, and their texts were simply arranging whether to go for lunch. None of this sounds like crossing professional boundaries.

Women, remember:
Poor male behaviour is our fault.

Other women will be first in line to remind us that we should not expect men to be the adults that women are - there is a different level of accountability you must know this!
After all... he was drunk, you confused him, you got his wires crossed, what did you expect?

I can’t honestly believe that there are, presumably women, who think walking to Pret for a sandwich and a chat on a bench whilst eating it is the equivalent of waving your Fanny in someone’s face. Jesus Christ 🤦‍♀️

Some of the replies have blown my mind a little bit I have to say.

Also, slight update on Henry...

Thursday HR called me. One of Henry's reports has made a bullying complaint. A male not that it makes a difference. I am a little surprised as Henry always came across as very kind and fair.

HR asked me if I had had any problems with Henry.
I said he had messaged me a few times while under the influence - I showed a screen shot of the message trail. I said I had blocked his number and since have not heard from him and only spoken to him about work related things. Said I didn't want to make a formal complaint. HR said that's fine and to let them know if I have any further issues.

I didn't mention him trying to kiss me at the Christmas party. Maybe I should have but I didn't want it to be dragged into a whole thing. Just want to get on and do my job.

So, it has been flagged if I have any further issues. As of yet I have not.