Awkward work colleague situation

[AlexisP90]

Male colleague - ill call him Henry for the sake of this thread.

Me and Henry have been close work colleagues for about 6 years (length of time we have both worked at our work place)

When I say close - when we are in the office we go for lunch, have teams chit chat calls when we are not. Me and Henry both have partners and children. Never has anything been more than chats and lunch.

At the Christmas party Henry got drunk and told me he liked me more than a friend. He leaned in for a kiss which I moved away from. I then told him to get a cab and I went home.

Nothing was mentioned again. Great.

Anyway. Last night there were work drinks. I didn't go. Henry got drunk and text me repeating he liked me and tried to call a few times.
I ignored all and haven't replied to anything.

I have to go in tomorrow for a meeting. He will be there.

Do I mention it? Bring it up? Ignore it? I hold a senior position in the company (as does he) and really don't want him to keep doing this and other colleagues hear and start gossiping but at the same time I don't want to make it more awkward by bringing it up...

Well if he does message you to try it on again, just reply with "Your behaviour is inappropriate and unwanted, so stop harassing me".

He hasn’t tried it on with her since the update though has he? So your argument fails.

I wouldn’t give him any response. It’s like a slot machine, if you keep pulling that handle and winning nothing, you would just walk away and never go back but if you win even once out of ten times, then you might go back and try again.

Cut all contact.

Work only. No messages. End of story.
Im glad you told your husband, do not feel any shame or that you did anything wrong. He did. Not you.

Just for the late comers I did tell Henry last Thursday I sent him a text being very clear I wasn't interested. He text me again which I ignored.

I haven't heard anything else from him since, but I have blocked his number.

Work wise we haven't crossed paths - in person or emails (I am WFH all week anyway)

Everyone is totally entitled to their own opinions. I thank the majority here for the great advice. The others honestly I'm just ignoring now.
If we had been texting out of work I might see it, but we were not.

Anything further I will go to HR.

If a man and a woman can't grab a sandwich from pret and be friends in 2025 what the fuck did our grandparents fight a war for.

I agree with you. Cut him off now and don’t look back.

Bloody hell, some of the comments on this thread.

I'm male, funnily enough I don't think any of my female friends are leading me on every time we go get lunch together. I don't automatically assume that any woman who wants to spend time with me must fancy me, any more than I fancy any of my female friends just because we're friends.

Yes, sometimes romantic feelings can develop. It's happened a few times to me, once we tried a relationship, once I fancied her and she didn't fancy me, and once the other way round. All three occasions involved adult conversations about it, and then the continuation of the friendship afterwards.

@AlexisP90 You've done absolutely nothing wrong here. You've not led him on, you've clearly rebuffed his advances when his intentions became clear, and you've kept your husband in the loop about the situation.

He on the other hand has tried to force himself on you, sent multiple harassing messages, and generally made a tit out of himself, ruining a good friendship in the process.

Exactly and it’s his loss. Don’t change who you are because of him either.

I would also reply in writing.

I wasn't making an argument 🤷‍♀️ I was just responding to your comment that op had said nothing to him. I had assumed you hadn't seen her update, that's all.

It's either 1 awkward conversation with him over lunch or dozens of awkward situations in the future. I think you know which 1 is the way to go.

Give him a chance and see where it leads to, nothing to lose?

How are you doing Henry?

I.. don't know if this is a joke, you are in fact Henry, or you just haven't read this thread...

Not only am I happily married, but I'm really not interested even if I wasn't...

Thank you though. I've got to say this reply took me by complete surprise and did give me a giggle

DFOD

I can actually believe you were hanging out with him as friends but come on. If someone in my office behaved like this people would be suggesting something is going on - because there is absolutely no need for this level of closeness with a colleague. I know "men and women can be friends" but Henry is not having a lunch and a chat with Margaret who is cool but 60 and has chin hair, isn't he! These female "friends" are always good looking and preferably young.

Its obvious he likes you and its the only reason he got so close to you. As someone said before, guys rarely invest time in friendship with the opposite sex without a hope that something will come out of it. Though, as I said, I can imagine you never thought of it - but not everyone as progressive and/ or innocent.

I would stop all the lunch and chat with male colleagues bullshit and preferably avoid putting yourself in this situation in the future - there is no need. I mean, if your husband spent every day chatting and having lunch with a girl from work?.. Very inappropriate.

Anyways. Tell Henry he needs to stop or you will be talking to HR as this is clearly sexual harassment. Sad fucker.

I think “Henry” has been testing your boundaries and using alcohol as an excuse.
i think you need to shut Henry down very firmly and that sadly he has ruined your friendship and sorry but he didn’t ever want to be just friends anyway

FYVM

Prob didn't read the married bit 🤭

IME men who persistently try it on, and ignore boundaries can turn really nasty when they finally realize you are going to keep to what you say. I would seriously consider having a private word with a trusted manager or colleague - not that they need to take action, but if there is any acting out by Henry in future, you have told someone why he might be acting out towards you.

@Bubblyb00b so it's a case of, women know your place, don't have lunch in public spaces with workmates or you're asking for harassment?

This is sensible advice. Some men really do not like hearing 'no' from a woman. When they refuse to hear that word; when they keep interpreting it as anything other than the 'no' it unambiguously is, then this is your loud, clear warning-sign. It's the first and most serious red flag de Becker highlights in his book, which for many woman might be nothing short of a survival manual.

OP, you've told him again - in very clear terms - not to contact you (effectively a cease and desist) yet still he persists. It may not escalate further: he may just be rather pathetic - but I would take no comfort from that or let it be a reason to be complacent. IME, the most dangerous ones sometimes are.

Hopefully he will get the hint and piss off. But he's now straying well into the territory of harassment. From now on give him nothing. No responses and no interaction. And document everything. Keep any messages in a cloud.

You might never need this evidence, and I hope you don't. But it's a wise precaution nonetheless. (Ask me how I know).

Disgraceful misogynist post. Women are allowed to go for lunch with men.

What a load of absolute rubbish that op led this man on .
We can all talk to each other work with each other lunch with each other male & female without lthinking we are leading each other on outdated thinking at it's best here.

I think what you have said in a text is brilliant and also telling your hubby .
Definitely go to HR if he doesn't get the message it's unwanted attention when he has had few aswell .
He needs to get a grip !!

Sounds like it happened to you @SerafinasGoose? (great user name).

Wow. Victim blaming much? The OP has done nothing wrong.

Men and women can be friends. Good friends even. My best friend for years was male - we would go shopping together, out for drinks, meals, just random drives, a couple of weekends away together, pub quizzes and so on. He wasn’t even remotely interested in me romantically. We just enjoyed each others company and could trust each other. Christ, we even shared a bed one time, both having had a few drinks, and he was a perfect gentleman (both of us were also single).

So no, it isn’t inconceivable that he was spending time with her and didn’t want more.

if the man in this scenario was a woman that is a lesbian and she had acted in the same way, would that have been the OP’s fault too?

OP ignore posters like this, you didn’t do anything wrong. You made your position clear the first time he tried something when drunk, then kept your distance since. He has continued to push it further - that’s on him.