Awkward work colleague situation

[AlexisP90]

Male colleague - ill call him Henry for the sake of this thread.

Me and Henry have been close work colleagues for about 6 years (length of time we have both worked at our work place)

When I say close - when we are in the office we go for lunch, have teams chit chat calls when we are not. Me and Henry both have partners and children. Never has anything been more than chats and lunch.

At the Christmas party Henry got drunk and told me he liked me more than a friend. He leaned in for a kiss which I moved away from. I then told him to get a cab and I went home.

Nothing was mentioned again. Great.

Anyway. Last night there were work drinks. I didn't go. Henry got drunk and text me repeating he liked me and tried to call a few times.
I ignored all and haven't replied to anything.

I have to go in tomorrow for a meeting. He will be there.

Do I mention it? Bring it up? Ignore it? I hold a senior position in the company (as does he) and really don't want him to keep doing this and other colleagues hear and start gossiping but at the same time I don't want to make it more awkward by bringing it up...

I've read the comments and just wanted to say to OP. I'm sorry that you're work pal Henry revealed himself to be such a creepy twat. 😭
He won't take the hint and as for explanations, you don't owe anyone any. Most guys do NOT understand subtle explanations. 🤦‍♀️ my hubby agrees with this and always days guys like straight talking.
They prefer to be directly told NO. 👎
So sod his feelings and being all understanding. Be straight.
Stay factual and professional.
Henry, just NO lad!
From now on, it's all a NO. End of.
And then stay professional and treat him civil like your other work colleagues.
Henry is what we like to call a workplace dirty dickhead. 😡
You are lovely and have tried to be kind and supportive to your work pal and deserve better.

Now as for some of the responses... Oh, my dear lord.
Some are dinosaurs 🦕 some are funny 😂 and some are just plain vile 💩

You deserved none of this.
You found out that your work-mate want to mate after work (with the ale down him).
He's minging for doing any of that. 🤢
He's predatory for keeping up with the texts - especially after a bevvy.
Big fat direct NO to horrible Henry. If that doesn't work, then hubby or HR.
Choices choices 🤔
P.s. hugs to you.
Personally, I would go down the HR route, whilst my hubby would go and kick him in the balls 😆

You can’t be friends anymore.
Work only, and cut him off with anything else. Not your fault. Don’t feel sullied by his behaviour.
Tell your husband if you want to and be open. Not ashamed.

I think it's enough to say firmly 'Henry, this has to stop'. There's no need to get drawn into a longer conversation. Say it in the office, to keep it professional. There's nothing wrong with the lunches but they're going to have to stop now too. If it happens again it's a job for HR.

We don’t know their dynamic, how comfortable they are, what topics they discuss, whether there’s any “innocent flirty banter”, just that they hang out a lot in their free time at work.

@Rosieposiecosy You should read all the OP’s posts.
She has been very clear there has never been any flirting. Talks were about their respective family, the weather … nothing personal or that would have him think ‘things aren’t going well in @AlexisP90 marriage’.
They basically walked to Tesco/Pret together to get some lunch. (Again OP’swords).

Making out that we dint know how comfortable they were with each other and that poor guy is just having feelings is crap tbh.

Id even go as far as saying it’s an insult to Henry. Because really we all know what’s the normal reaction to being infatuated (sorry attracted) to someone at work. And it’s not sending them drunken messages and trying to cheat on your wife! Assuming he couldn’t do that and needed someone else to act on his behalf to somehow protect him from cheating is an insult to him.

I didn't call anyone rapey. I called out the misogyny on this thread.
Your friends anecdote doesn't confirm or deny any of those.

OP I'm not sure I would block his number, I think it may be useful to have his messages if you need to go to HR about this. I wouldn't reply to his messages but would keep them as proof. It's creepy that even after telling him to back off he still wants to talk to you. I would unblock and if he messages you again get HR involved.

And of course men and women can be friends. Blaming you for being a normal person who doesn't rule out friendship with half the population is ridiculous.

I wouldn't go for lunch or do anything social one to one. I'd organise a meeting with him in a private room and tell him that your relationship will only remain professional. I'd also never put myself in a position where he could make a pass at me again, but if he did after my warning I would inform HR.

This is harassment. This man is a predator.

Text him and tell him that. Say if he ever messages you or bothers you again you will be sending the text thread to HR. Say If you ever hear rumours of him bothering other women in the same way you will send the thread to HR. You considered him a friend and he has taken advantage of that and from now on your relationship will be work related only.

I think you need to quietly tell him that he needs to stop. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable because you're in a happy relationship .
I think I'd stop the lunches and general closeness. Maybe start to create a bit of distance.

Block his number. If you can't, tell him HR will be notified of any future non-work messages.

Stop the lunches if you don't want any rumours about you. People always notice these things and will tease about it and start rumours even if there's nothing going on.

Don't take him out for lunch for the awkward convo, it will be giving him the wrong impression as well as being awkward. Do it via teams or something.

So what? Just because that's what men do, doesn't mean women are responsible. How about we turn this ridiculous argument around and tell men they should assume a woman is only being friendly and not interested, unless she states otherwise. If in doubt, he can ask when he is sober and leave her the hell alone when she says she isn't interested.

Furthermore, if OP had been suspicious from the start, without him getting all inappropriate when drunk, many posters here would have been all "BUT HE DESERVES THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT!" "WHY DO YOU THINK EVERY MAN IS INTERESTED IN YOU!" Blah. blah, blah.

One way or another, people will blame a woman.

She’s not “to blame”, the guy tried it on and she’s not interested. I wouldn’t say either of them are to blame, these things happen in life, especially if someone is interested at work, it can be difficult territory to navigate. He clearly built it up in his head to be more, and she didn’t respond to his first message so he tried it again. If she had said, no thanks no interested, I don’t see you that way, and then he tried it on again, that would be predatory, or would show his dodgy relationship with alcohol, perhaps he woke up feeling totally embarrassed, none of us know as there’s been no communication from her side. It’s not her fault, but having said that we all establish our own boundaries with men, and the men and women who get members of the opposite sex throwing themselves at them more often, are the ones who engage with them one to one and create types of intimacy that can be misconstrued, it’s not a fault, it just comes with the territory. When I was younger I didn’t understand how a vast number of men operate either but soon realised that the majority of men aren’t interested in that kind of friendship and ten to invest in women they have some interest in. Different in a group setting, but one to one they often fancy the woman they are investing in, men fancy a lot of women, most men anyway, but they aren’t usually investing in the ones they don’t.

Good grief. What a load of bollocks 🤦‍♀️

This is a wise decision. 'Let him down gently' is very often the advice given to women and there are several variations on this theme within this thread.

It doesn't work. This is unfortunately a lesson I've had to learn more than once in order to overcome my female socialisation. Of course, there's no need to be needlessly cruel - unless, of course, persistence in the face of 'no' becomes the pattern.

No coffees. No lunches. A brief, simple message - to the effect that these messages are not appropriate and are making you uncomfortable, please stop - is all that's needed here. No fluff, no superfluous wording, no hint that 'no' is not exactly what you mean, and no room for misinterpretation.

Then back right off and have as little to do with him as professionalism will allow.

I wouldn’t say either of them are to blame, these things happen in life, especially if someone is interested at work, it can be difficult territory to navigate.

Well I disagree there.
This is a married man asking out a married woman.
Unless you feel that cheating is ok, it’s not just ‘something that happens in life’

Your second sentence: IMO not a good idea. That sends the message that the relationship is the obstacle in his way and that 'maybe' she might otherwise be open to something. 'Not interested, thank you' is all that's needed.

As a response this is direct; it isn't rude. The old rule 'never JustifyArgueDefendExplain' is a wise maxim when trying to shut down situations like these. OP owes her colleague no explanations and this isn't a negotiation.

Some would say that a married woman having so much one to one time with a married man is a bit off? The point I’m making is it’s got to this point because of decisions on both side, and we don’t know the dynamic, only that they spend a lot of time together, which is often enough to signal interest. I said there’s no fault on either side, just seems to be a blurring of boundaries where something can be thought to be more than it is. That’s in response to all the “yes rapey, he’s harassing you”, nonsense on this thread. He told her he likes her, twice when he was pissed because they have an established connection that he has clear read into. We don’t know his situation, I’m not making any judgement call on his morals, simply on the situation between them, and how it clearly looks to him.

Agreed. Things have been moving along this grim path for some time now, with the incel variety infiltrating this site on a regular basis but -- is this really still Mumsnet?

Misogyny has grown exponentially worse over the last 15 or so years, and in the last 5 has increased its impetus far more rapidly and destructively. Too many of the responses to this thread are worthy of nothing but contempt, as they reiterate the underlying tone of 'she must have been asking for it'.

Do people really not see this for what it is?

A note to those who are internalising destructive messages like these. The crocodile may eat your face last, but it will still eat it. If you think adherence to the patriarchy will save you from suffering at its hands in some way and at some time, then somewhere in your future you're in for a very rude awakening.

Protect your own back.
If he sent you a text then that's in writing and one day your partner for whatever reason might be going through your phone and then you'd be put in a position of defending that text about there's nothing going on.
So reply by text.
And then carry on as normal at work

Hyper feminists (who believe women can do no wrong and contribute nothing to negative situations) go immediately to calling other women with opposing views incels. Likely because in the dictatorship religion of liberalism, fury is unleashed at opposing views. Not so long ago, men and women asked each other our face to face, or by text, people have feelings, even if they are immoral ones, and he’s not a predator just because he read more into their relationship than she is feeling for him.

I understand why op wishes to contain this.

If op and this man has been breaking away from the pack there will be chatter.
It's human nature for people to notice and make judgement.

This is op's fear, along wiith the fact her h may get the wrong idea, which is understandable if she she has given zero encouragement to this man, so she has opened up to her partner and set her boundaries to this man.

Hopefully he will back off.
Make different arrangements for lunch.

If he continues to bully you, intimidate and act predatory towards you then report.

No, unwanted contact once that person has been asked to stop is not the result of this woman having 'contributed to negative situations'. It's unwanted contact borne of an entitlement to a woman's time and affections when she has firmly and clearly rejected it.

The OP has said 'no'. Her colleague is selectively hearing something else. Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear, for one, highlights what a deeply concerning red flag this is.

The word no means just that. No.

If this is in any way ambiguous to you then this, I would suggest, is borne of the kind of tedious bias saturating this site: one of determination to blame women on all counts for the behaviour of men. Rule #1 of misogyny. 'Women are responsible for what men do'.

No one here has claimed that 'women can do no wrong'. This is your own stretch of imagination.

There's internalized misogyny here and there's people willing to say anything to prove they, and only they, are right and somewhere in between the OP is the one being bismirched unfairly.

While we don't have to agree with each other or even be nice to each other or the OP, some acceptance that we can't possibly know it's just and opinion is sadly lacking. You don't win arguments by sheer tenacity but by making informed, reasonable debate if you need to win at all.

That Henry missed the cue from a friend and pressed again just tells us he lacks self awareness or emotional intelligence, it doesn't make him automatically a rapist it just makes him a pest who hopefully had got the message now. The OP is sadly having to deal with that and the loss of her friendship, isn't that hard enough without having an unfair personal responsibility shoved on her when she was unaware of feelings developing?

I hope Henry apologised to you OP and works on being a just a good colleague.

According to OP she’s said nothing to him about it, all he’s got to go on is their previous connection

In her updates she clearly states that she has messaged him and been very clear it needs to stop she is not interested