Awkward work colleague situation

[AlexisP90]

Male colleague - ill call him Henry for the sake of this thread.

Me and Henry have been close work colleagues for about 6 years (length of time we have both worked at our work place)

When I say close - when we are in the office we go for lunch, have teams chit chat calls when we are not. Me and Henry both have partners and children. Never has anything been more than chats and lunch.

At the Christmas party Henry got drunk and told me he liked me more than a friend. He leaned in for a kiss which I moved away from. I then told him to get a cab and I went home.

Nothing was mentioned again. Great.

Anyway. Last night there were work drinks. I didn't go. Henry got drunk and text me repeating he liked me and tried to call a few times.
I ignored all and haven't replied to anything.

I have to go in tomorrow for a meeting. He will be there.

Do I mention it? Bring it up? Ignore it? I hold a senior position in the company (as does he) and really don't want him to keep doing this and other colleagues hear and start gossiping but at the same time I don't want to make it more awkward by bringing it up...

Actually if you're read the updates the op states, on the 23rd Jan that she has told him she is not interested. But that doesn't fit your narrative 🤷‍♀️

Of course, colleagues can have lunch, share messages without any issues like this whatsoever. But some (usually males) overstep the mark completely. His behaviour has changed the profession boundary. So stop the lunches, do not respond to messages other than work related ones. I have had similar things happen in the past and put a stop to it immediately.

Sorry but this sounds unhinged. OP please ignore this person, you've had some good advice on here and you've done nothing wrong.

We never spoke outside of work. He only ever spoke about his family positivity as did I.

Chats were about work, our family's and usually the weather.

Lunch wasn't some intimate 3 course romantic meal. It was usually pret or a walk in the rain to Tesco!!

I have told him (read a previous update) I tried to politely decline him at the Christmas party and told him to go home. He didn't get the message. I have now told him in no uncertain words I'm not interested and blocked his number.

I'm sorry I have to disagree totally with the stance I must have known/led him on. I didn't! Had no clue. It wasn't like we were texting until 1am every night. Our texts were just asking if we wanted to grab lunch! Never did we speak outside work.

I have a lot of male friends. I go out to dinner with them all the time. DP knows. DP has female friends. It's 2025.

Someone is leaving this week so no doubt drinks are planned. I'm actually not in the office at all this week so won't be going but I sincerely hope Henry doesn't try to contact me when he's had a few.

I hope that's the end of it now. If it isn't I will go to HR immediately. All I have really done is try to make this less embarrassing for Henry by not doing so yet.

Very weird responses on here.

I've worked in lots of male dominated workplaces, think city, and have had many male colleagues that I would grab lunch with as @AlexisP90 described. It was in no way "leading them on" or flirting or whatever other things people on here have implied.

@AlexisP90 I think you've handled it perfectly. It's like MNetters have never worked in an office environment.

The op has done that!

Op you have done nothing wrong and have tried to handle it as best you could to avoid embarrassment. You said no and he didn't take that and still tried again.
Ignore the frankly bat shit responses on here, you'd think we live in an age where woman have to defer to men! Disgusting

Agree with pp, you've conducted yourself impeccably and handled this with grace.

Tell him straight to leave you alone. Block his number

god some 1950s trolls on this post

If you work in a mixed male female environment - part of that is lunches/ conversations/ friendships/ connections with colleagues of both sexes

it is on everyone individually to understand the reality of what that means

because this isn't iran and we don't have morality police - if a man takes it to far that is ON HIM

OP, it might be helpful if you had an informal talk with Human Resources who can advise you better. You should not have to deal with this on your own.

Why? A direct call-out (not in front of co-workers) might be what he needs to knock him back into reality.

There is some shocking internalised misogyny on this thread.
I really thought the MN concensus was better than this.
Just a few weeks ago we have Giselle Pelicot making her speech of a lifetime saying shame must switch sides, but here we have prime examples of women who somehow feel like 'she must have known' but 'you're halfway there already' and maybe the worst imo was the men don't put effort into women they don't fancy. This victim blaming is what keeps a rape apologist attitude alive.
OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. I would cut ties with Henry because he's shown himself to be problematic, but the fault you have in all this is exactly 0%.

That is so unfair. I was good friends with a work colleague, we’d go to lunch and natter and have a laugh but never once in those years did I give him any kind of come on. He was a mate (the platonic kind). Then one day he came on to me, I was very shocked and the years long friendship unfortunately never recovered. I could understand more if there had been flirting but there wasn’t (from either of us).

And somehow it’s her responsibility to ‘knock him back to reality’?
Because having been told NO very clearly once obviously isn’t enough, the OP, as a woman, must also gently guide him so he realises his mistake?

Why, why, why should we assume that this guy is so thick/stupid he didn’t understand the first time? And why does anyone think more explanations will help when the simple NO didn’t make it through his brain?

Sorry but no. There is no need fir more explanations, doing it face to face or what not.
He is stamping all over boundaries. From the ones of the OP who was very clear to the guidelines of his organisation. If he can’t get it, then that’s an HR issue.

Your attitude is shocking and what a disappointment that you're a woman. I don’t know what your ‘day’ was, perhaps somewhere in the 1800’s but if you think a man wouldn’t overstep boundaries you are a shameful excuse for a woman!

@AlexisP90 sounds like you’ve dealt with it in the best way and hopefully that’s the end of it.

I’m shocked at how many times you’ve had to reiterate women can be friends with men. I have five close friends and two of them (and the longest standing) are men. One I’ve known 35 years and the other for 25 years. In my experience, it’s nothing to do with gender, but with personality and attitude to life. I also have fantastic friends at work who are men. Some are 25 years younger than me.

I wonder if these posters realise there’s a chance women friends may fancy them too.

This

She must have known he fancied her, all women know pretty much instantly.
This in our day would be called leading someone on.

@TableTimesGo so according to you, it’s still up to women to manage men then?
If he fancies her, the OP should have known (even though she isn’t a mind reader but clearly she was supposed to have caught on the ‘vibes’) and then handled him so he didn’t behave inappropriately. Because I mean clearly you can’t expect a man to notice a woman isn’t interested, nit flirting etc… Nope. Just the fact she is talking to him must mean she wants to jump in bed with him. How desperate! For him of course.

I imagine too you’d have a right go at a woman coming onto a married man though ‘because she knew he was taken, how dare she!!’ Right?!?

I have to say, I’m wondering why you dint apply the same rules to this guy than you do for women. She is married therefore not a potential shag. She said No to his advances, therefore she isn’t a potential shag.
It’s not hard.
Why do you think it’s not ok to hold him up to that (very low) standard?
Do you think men are so stupid and reckless/unable to control themselves that it’s inappropriate to expect that from them?
You have such a low opinion of men really,

Don't even worry about that Jesus.

Report him to HR for harassment and make sure they kick him out of the company.

Hi Henry,

I think you probably know this and it was just the alcohol talking but while I value our friendship, I am happily married and have absolutely no desire to ever cheat on my husband. Please don’t send me this kind of message again because it’s inappropriate and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Let’s draw a line under this now and get back to normal. See you at work.

I had a similar situation and sent a similar message to the one I’ve suggested above. Obviously in the context of full transparency with my husband. I also screenshotted it to HR and said I didn’t want them to do anything about it or talk to him and as far as I was concerned the matter was resolved, but asked them to keep it on record just in case anything further ever came up. They double checked I didn’t want them to look into it and we all moved on. He left shortly after and stopped looking me in the eye.

What a ridiculous and spiteful post.

He’s not a rapist though is he, he feels some kind of connection and has therefore tried it on a couple of times by txt when he’s had a few drinks, she’s not replied so maybe he thought she was thinking about it. We don’t know their dynamic, how comfortable they are, what topics they discuss, whether there’s any “innocent flirty banter”, just that they hang out a lot in their free time at work. I’m sorry but I’ve met women who are all over a guy or guys at work, cross boundaries with their conversation, and their time, and then act shocked when the guy thinks there’s more to it. Seen the same the other way around, men who do the same and show loads of interest in a woman, then act shocked when she thinks there’s more to it. It’s about boundaries. My ex always had women coming onto him because he had terrible boundaries with women, enjoyed the attention, made them feel special, spent his free time with them. I told him the same that I’m saying here- what was he expecting, he’s a good looking guy, good with words, attentive, and makes women feel good, not surprised half of the tried it on with him, I wouldn’t call them rapey, would you?