Page 2 | Awkward work colleague situation

AlexisP90 · 2025-01-22T19:55:35+00:00

Male colleague - ill call him Henry for the sake of this thread. Me and Henry have been close work colleagues for about 6 years (length of time we have both worked at our work place) When I say close - when we are in the office we go for lunch, have teams chit chat calls when we are not. Me and Henry both have partners and children. Never has anything been more than chats and lunch. At the Christmas party Henry got drunk and told me he liked me more than a friend. He leaned in for a kiss which I moved away from. I then told him to get a cab and I went home. Nothing was mentioned again. Great. Anyway. Last night there were work drinks. I didn't go. Henry got drunk and text me repeating he liked me and tried to call a few times. I ignored all and haven't replied to anything. I have to go in tomorrow for a meeting. He will be there. Do I mention it? Bring it up? Ignore it? I hold a senior position in the company (as does he) and really don't want him to keep doing this and other colleagues hear and start gossiping but at the same time I don't want to make it more awkward by bringing it up...

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/01/2025 21:31

AlphaApple · 22/01/2025 20:16

Sounds like Henry has a problematic relationship with alcohol. Personally I would just block his number.

I would tell him to delete my number and watch him do it

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/01/2025 21:35

Rainbowscakes · 22/01/2025 20:56

In my view, you’re half way there anyway if you and Henry go for lunch all the time and are having cosy little Teams chats everyday. All your colleagues will be talking about you. In your position I wouldn’t be surprised that Henry made a move.

Whatever others say, it always goes back to the fact that men don’t waste THAT much time on women they don’t fancy. You know that though don’t you? I feel sorry for both of your partners.

Now you’ve had your ego boost, time to let him down and learn from this.

Henry, stop it. You've gone too far now!

Machya · 22/01/2025 21:50

Completely agree with sending a firm text.....

....stating that you will not be meeting for lunch, that he has made you feel uncomfortable,......... that you have given him zero reason to think you would welcome such inappropriate behaviour .......... that you have shown your partner his texts.
Tell him that you do not want to have speak about this again or to have to contact HR.

He's no friend, just another cheating creep looking to get laid.🤢

Original poster

AlexisP90 · 23/01/2025 20:22

Just an update.

I showed DP his messages last night and he laughed and said "blimey he's trying his luck ain't he!"

I messaged him basically the gist of I don't appreciate these messages nor am I interested. I just wanted to be friends but that's ruined now and could he delete my number and distance himself from now on.

He didn't speak to me today in the office. We all went out for a drink after work. I left at 6pm and have just got a message from him.

"I want to talk. Where are you" (he literally saw me say goodbye to everyone and leave for my train...

Clearly he's had a few. Again. I haven't replied and going to block his number now. I'll speak with HR if it continues.

It's sad, it really is that it's had to come to blocking numbers.

Thanks for the advice guys. It really helped.

OP posts:

Freeme31 · 23/01/2025 21:24

Well done OP youve handled this correctly and shut it down. You did right tell your husband too.

beenwhereyouare · 23/01/2025 21:59

Rainbowscakes · 22/01/2025 20:56

In my view, you’re half way there anyway if you and Henry go for lunch all the time and are having cosy little Teams chats everyday. All your colleagues will be talking about you. In your position I wouldn’t be surprised that Henry made a move.

Whatever others say, it always goes back to the fact that men don’t waste THAT much time on women they don’t fancy. You know that though don’t you? I feel sorry for both of your partners.

Now you’ve had your ego boost, time to let him down and learn from this.

What is this insulting comment I am reading? You obviously have an agenda of your own, but you shouldn't put that o
interpretation on the OP. NOTHING @AlexisP90 has said sounds inappropriate, and her posting here makes it clear she wasn't flattered. There was no "ego boost".

Do the right thing and apologize.

beenwhereyouare · 23/01/2025 21:59

Rainbowscakes · 22/01/2025 20:56

In my view, you’re half way there anyway if you and Henry go for lunch all the time and are having cosy little Teams chats everyday. All your colleagues will be talking about you. In your position I wouldn’t be surprised that Henry made a move.

Whatever others say, it always goes back to the fact that men don’t waste THAT much time on women they don’t fancy. You know that though don’t you? I feel sorry for both of your partners.

Now you’ve had your ego boost, time to let him down and learn from this.

What is this insulting comment I am reading? You obviously have an agenda of your own, but you shouldn't put that o
interpretation on the OP. NOTHING @AlexisP90 has said sounds inappropriate, and her posting here makes it clear she wasn't flattered. There was no "ego boost".

Do the right thing and apologize.

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 23/01/2025 22:10

I would speak either to your boss or to HR at this point.

If you haven’t already, make a log of incidents.

You don’t need to necessarily raise a formal complaint yet but make them aware of exactly what has occurred and when and the steps you have taken to stop the harassment.

It’s 2025, there’s nothing wrong with having lunch or coffee with a male colleague, for goodness sake. He’s crossed several lines.

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 23/01/2025 22:15

I would NOT go to lunch - someone may see and mis interpret

I would politely but clearly put it in writing in a text or email or both

This is your professional reputation as well as personal life commitments to your relationship

TipsyJoker · 23/01/2025 22:25

I would go to HR and tell them what’s happened, that you want it logged that you’ve reported it but that you don’t want to make an official complaint. This way, if you tell him it’s not happening and he doesn’t take it well, he can’t ruin the workplace for you out of spite.

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 23/01/2025 22:33

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 23/01/2025 22:15

I would NOT go to lunch - someone may see and mis interpret

I would politely but clearly put it in writing in a text or email or both

This is your professional reputation as well as personal life commitments to your relationship

Edited

I agree, no more social interaction of any kind with this man, either in person or by text.

And if I had to hold a work meeting with him I’d bring a third party.

UnicornWorld · 24/01/2025 00:06

AlexisP90 · 23/01/2025 20:22

Just an update.

I showed DP his messages last night and he laughed and said "blimey he's trying his luck ain't he!"

I messaged him basically the gist of I don't appreciate these messages nor am I interested. I just wanted to be friends but that's ruined now and could he delete my number and distance himself from now on.

He didn't speak to me today in the office. We all went out for a drink after work. I left at 6pm and have just got a message from him.

"I want to talk. Where are you" (he literally saw me say goodbye to everyone and leave for my train...

Clearly he's had a few. Again. I haven't replied and going to block his number now. I'll speak with HR if it continues.

It's sad, it really is that it's had to come to blocking numbers.

Thanks for the advice guys. It really helped.

Go to HR. He isn't getting this.

And please stop going out drinking with him!

ClareBlue · 24/01/2025 10:39

It's not OP who should be stopping going for an after work drink with work colleagues. This wasn't a 1 on 1, it was a group as described by OP. It's the pissed up senior colleague who needs to stop going. And his demand last time is another level.

ClareBlue · 24/01/2025 10:47

OP is trying to resolve this in a conciliatory way that causes her colleague the minimum embarrassment and trouble. This is pretty typical where the female colleague adapts their behaviour to try and avoid unpleasant outcomes. Appeasement rarely works in these situations. If they they don't get it first time, in this case after Christmas, they just persist and exculate and get controling and demanding and sometimes turn nasty and start changing the narrative. This needs to go to HR.

AlphaApple · 24/01/2025 10:52

Agree @ClareBlue . Some people are looking at this through the lens of "poor, lovestruck Henry" whereas this seems to be much more of a "problematic drinker, sleazy Henry". I guarantee he is also sending other inappropriate messages to other women.

SereneCapybara · 24/01/2025 10:57

It took me far too many decades to realise that if a woman is friendly to a man it is because she wants to be friends but if a man is friendly to a woman he wants to sleep with her and if she is friendly back, he automatically assumes she wants to sleep with him. Some exceptions to this rule, as always, but this is the rule.

I'd say to him: clearly we get on but I have never misinterpreted this as physical attraction. I am happily married and would never jeopardise my career with a workplace affair, even if I were single. Shall we ease off the lunches and chats for a while, as I have no intention of giving you mixed messages ever again. This is a workplace friendship for me, never was and never will be anything more.

Also, he's a sordid little tosser, trying to have an affair at work while married with children. Bear this in mind when he reacts to your boundaries or if he ever tries to rekindle the 'friendship'.

Chuchoter · 24/01/2025 11:09

You must have a face to face conversation to say that you are not interested and he has crossed a line by acting so unprofessional.

Make it clear that it is never to happen again and if it does you will seek to report him to the company foe harassment.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 24/01/2025 11:17

You have asked him to leave you alone and delete your number. He has then had a few and tried to contact you again. You don't know what he would do next, will he try and force you to speak to him. This could get very bad if it is not handled, and I mean handled by HR, not by you trying to speak to him because obviously he won't listen.

You need to report this to your HR department and I would suggest dropping a leaflet for AA on his desk.

UnicornWorld · 24/01/2025 11:48

Chuchoter · 24/01/2025 11:09

You must have a face to face conversation to say that you are not interested and he has crossed a line by acting so unprofessional.

Make it clear that it is never to happen again and if it does you will seek to report him to the company foe harassment.

No, she must not.
She has told him. The last thing she should do is be face to face.

DazzlingCuckoos · 24/01/2025 11:54

Love your husband - he's a walking green flag!

I agree with others in that he needs to be told again, once and for all, that you are not interested and never have been, plus you've told your DH about his messages.

If that isn't enough to keep him away, take it to HR.

I'd do it in writing rather than face to face, so you have evidence. Screenshot things if he messages something as he can delete it later.

Roryno · 24/01/2025 12:08

I’d perhaps message once more and say you’re disappointed to receive yet another inappropriate message when you’d just asked him to stop and delete your number. Remind him that he is a married man and is behaving totally unprofessionally. Tell him that you have saved the inappropriate messages and will contact HR if it happens again.

lilybloom2 · 24/01/2025 22:33

Adamante · 22/01/2025 20:43

I don’t think “Henry” has “fallen for you big time” at all. I think “Henry” just loses his inhibitions when drunk and tries to cross the friendship barrier at that time with someone he already has a friend relationship with because he perceives it to be easier. I should think “Henry” firmly pushes it to the back of mind when he’s sober and pretends it never happened. I wouldn’t go out for lunch with him, I’d tell him very firmly to pack it in because he has ruined your friendship by behaving like a total creep, then keep any interactions strictly professional from now on.

This

I had a similar situation about a decade ago. I tied myself in knots over it- turned out he has previous. I was not the first or probably last

lilybloom2 · 24/01/2025 22:36

And well done
You are handling this really well

UnicornWorld · 24/01/2025 22:46

lilybloom2 · 24/01/2025 22:36

And well done
You are handling this really well

You are OP, ,but please even temporarily stop socialising with him.

TableTimesGo · 25/01/2025 05:34

Rainbowscakes · 22/01/2025 20:56

In my view, you’re half way there anyway if you and Henry go for lunch all the time and are having cosy little Teams chats everyday. All your colleagues will be talking about you. In your position I wouldn’t be surprised that Henry made a move.

Whatever others say, it always goes back to the fact that men don’t waste THAT much time on women they don’t fancy. You know that though don’t you? I feel sorry for both of your partners.

Now you’ve had your ego boost, time to let him down and learn from this.

This.

She must have known he fancied her, all women know pretty much instantly.

This in our day would be called leading someone on.