Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward work colleague situation

246 replies

AlexisP90 · 22/01/2025 19:55

Male colleague - ill call him Henry for the sake of this thread.

Me and Henry have been close work colleagues for about 6 years (length of time we have both worked at our work place)

When I say close - when we are in the office we go for lunch, have teams chit chat calls when we are not. Me and Henry both have partners and children. Never has anything been more than chats and lunch.

At the Christmas party Henry got drunk and told me he liked me more than a friend. He leaned in for a kiss which I moved away from. I then told him to get a cab and I went home.

Nothing was mentioned again. Great.

Anyway. Last night there were work drinks. I didn't go. Henry got drunk and text me repeating he liked me and tried to call a few times.
I ignored all and haven't replied to anything.

I have to go in tomorrow for a meeting. He will be there.

Do I mention it? Bring it up? Ignore it? I hold a senior position in the company (as does he) and really don't want him to keep doing this and other colleagues hear and start gossiping but at the same time I don't want to make it more awkward by bringing it up...

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexisP90 · 26/01/2025 00:38

Oh I totally hope Henry has kept all his correspondence too. Aside from the recent messages of his "I like you can we talk" the rest would be "shall we grab lunch?" "Sure"!

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 26/01/2025 01:18

If he makes any further advances, just tell him straight to stop because you are not interested then carry on as if nothing has happened.

The demon drink loosens the tongue and inhibitions, it is most unpleasant.

UnicornWorld · 26/01/2025 01:19

AlexisP90 · 26/01/2025 00:38

Oh I totally hope Henry has kept all his correspondence too. Aside from the recent messages of his "I like you can we talk" the rest would be "shall we grab lunch?" "Sure"!

I don't know how you deal with that poster.

H112 · 26/01/2025 01:29

Why where you going on one on one lunches together?? Imagine your husband did that with a female colleague all the time ?? Something to think about

UnicornWorld · 26/01/2025 01:30

H112 · 26/01/2025 01:29

Why where you going on one on one lunches together?? Imagine your husband did that with a female colleague all the time ?? Something to think about

All she needs to think about is you're yet another victim blamer

Lurkingandlearning · 26/01/2025 03:48

As you made your lack of feelings the first time, I wouldn’t wait until the next lunch. I’d ask him to hang back after the meeting and tell him that you are annoyed that he’d ignored you making it clear at the Xmas party that you didn’t want a relationship with him and was banging on about it again. It is unwelcome and inappropriate. I’d also say that it has also made you sad because he has effectively put an end to your friendship as he clearly can’t take no for an answer. Tell him you’ll continue to be pleasant in your dealings with him but lunches are off the table. (I couldn’t resist that)

Hopefully he’ll be mature enough to accept that

Hwi · 27/01/2025 06:38

therattlebag23 · 22/01/2025 20:04

I think you need to go for lunch together and tell him kindly but firmly that you don't feel the same way. I imagine that while you see him as a work colleague, Henry sees you as a friend and has fallen for you big time.

KINDLY but firmly? Why? Tell him he is a dirty perv as he has a wife!!!! And children! You see, this is the problem in the UK - everyone is so darn polite, cheating people don't see themselves as dirty pervs - 'I don't feel the same way as you do' - no, no and no again - tell him 'you are a dirty perv looking for a dirty perv affair and you are mistaken if you think I will indulge you'. And no, don't go for lunch, say 'I wanted to say let us go for lunch, but I don't have lunches with dirty pervs'. What, and if you 'felt the same way', it would be OK to engage in an affair with a married colleague?

Ger1atricMillennial · 27/01/2025 06:47

OP, this is harassment, do you have a union/EAP you can talk too to get some good advice. He is ignoring the boundaries that you set. He sees it as a challenge.

You need some advice on your options to decide whether to report to HR. I bet you are not the first person he has done this to.

BubblesDE54 · 27/01/2025 07:10

Rainbowscakes · 22/01/2025 20:56

In my view, you’re half way there anyway if you and Henry go for lunch all the time and are having cosy little Teams chats everyday. All your colleagues will be talking about you. In your position I wouldn’t be surprised that Henry made a move.

Whatever others say, it always goes back to the fact that men don’t waste THAT much time on women they don’t fancy. You know that though don’t you? I feel sorry for both of your partners.

Now you’ve had your ego boost, time to let him down and learn from this.

Wow! I don't think the OP is taking it as an ego boost, very strange take on her predicament, I would reply to his text stating you are work colleagues not friends or anything more, and ask him to stop messaging you when he's had a few bevvy's as it ain't getting him anywhere and has ruined a good working relationship

Emptynester67 · 27/01/2025 07:17

I'd message him that you're happy with your partner and not interested and for him not to ever do it again. I'd screenshot the conversation that takes place just in case you ever need to prove you were never interested should he ever try accuse you of trying to instigate something. And I'd be telling my husband about it too, it wouldn't look good if it came out and you never told him.

Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 07:22

AlexisP90 · 22/01/2025 21:02

Oh fucking hell. Sorry. I forgot this is 2025 and men and women can't be friends.

Wasn't looking for any ego boost. We just got on and it was someone to go to grab lunch with. I don't believe I have in any way led him on. I have a lot of male friends. None of them message me pissed telling me they like me.

I accept your message but I wasn't looking for any ego boost. That's annoying to hear because it's not true.

Show quote history

But your not accepting reality, rarely do men out that kind of emotional energy into “friendships” with women. Usually there is always something more going on in their heads, and like others have said, men who have a predisposition to cheat tend to go for someone they think they have a change with, and yes you guys are halfway there. Does your husband know how close you are and how much time you spend together, he’s a man, ask him. On the other hand how would you feel if he had similar friendship with a woman at work?

Ewock · 27/01/2025 07:30

TableTimesGo · 25/01/2025 05:34

This.

She must have known he fancied her, all women know pretty much instantly.

This in our day would be called leading someone on.

Show quote history

What a disgusting comment. Of course I mist be leading on my close male.friends as sometimes we even, shock horror, go to the cinema on our own!

You are a massive part of the problem women face

Elllaa · 27/01/2025 07:32

It's possible to think the guy was out of line and also as an aside advise women to generally have boundaries with men. It's to reduce these situations. I don't think men change as fast as women do for a multitide of reasons, mainly lack of consequence..i doubt this guy is wringing his hands and posting on forums about his behaviour. He doesn't care but the woman is left with the consequences and such a 'misunderstanding' will happen again if you befriend straight men. They don't see us as equal, it's all opportunities for sex. They never try to befriend women they wouldn't wanna shag but are suddenly so warm and funny and the naive woman thinks it's just being mates. No, he wants to mate!

Ewock · 27/01/2025 07:37

H112 · 26/01/2025 01:29

Why where you going on one on one lunches together?? Imagine your husband did that with a female colleague all the time ?? Something to think about

Good lord, if your dh is that insecure and controlling that's your problem love. Not the ops. She has done nothing wrong and though they were friends, he wants to take it further she has made it clear that's not happening.
Honestly the comments on here are disgusting and so victim blaming.

Actuallysickofthis · 27/01/2025 07:39

TableTimesGo · 25/01/2025 05:34

This.

She must have known he fancied her, all women know pretty much instantly.

This in our day would be called leading someone on.

Show quote history

What have I just read?

What era of life do you live in where going for lunch and general chit chat with a male colleague is seen as leading them on?

Your sounding like a victim blamer here. Are you going to start asking the OP what clothes she was wearing that encouraged this behaviour also?

Ewock · 27/01/2025 07:40

Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 07:22

But your not accepting reality, rarely do men out that kind of emotional energy into “friendships” with women. Usually there is always something more going on in their heads, and like others have said, men who have a predisposition to cheat tend to go for someone they think they have a change with, and yes you guys are halfway there. Does your husband know how close you are and how much time you spend together, he’s a man, ask him. On the other hand how would you feel if he had similar friendship with a woman at work?

Show quote history

Oh good lord! Go back to the 1900s.
Women and men can be friends, men are not predisposition to cheat, she is not half way there by having lunch. Freaking lunch at work!!! Give your head a wobble

Elllaa · 27/01/2025 07:41

It's not victim blaming it's about accountability and boundaries.
It's way too intimate and unnecessary to go on regular 1 to 1 lunches with a male colleague. I'm not surprised he ended up texting you like that, it's like clockwork with men.

Lostworlds · 27/01/2025 07:46

I’m glad you’ve told your dp, blocked Henry and moving on.
I agree that I have several male platonic friends, most who are straight and nothing like this has ever happened. I don’t believe you have any accountability in this situation as if you were talking about how much you hate your married life and need excitement then messaging him all hours of the day and night then maybe I’d say you’re to blame. However it seems like
you only spoke during working times and seen each other at lunch times like many colleagues do and those conversations included you talking about your family in a positive light.
If Henry has misread the situation then that’s on him. I don’t think he fancies you or is madly in love with you, I think he thought he could have a quick fling and that be it.

Keep the messages, hopefully this is the end of it all but if Henry contacts you again then I’d report to HR.

Ewock · 27/01/2025 07:47

Elllaa · 27/01/2025 07:41

It's not victim blaming it's about accountability and boundaries.
It's way too intimate and unnecessary to go on regular 1 to 1 lunches with a male colleague. I'm not surprised he ended up texting you like that, it's like clockwork with men.

Oh my God I've heard ot all now, lunch is an intimate activity 🤣 I must tell all my friends, especially the male ones that I can no longer have lunch with them as its initimate.
And my dh oh God one of his best mates is gay and they go out together all the time, my dh must be leading him on!!! What a load of bollocks you keep spouting

Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 07:53

She’s not a victim though, the guy expressed wanting more with her, they already have the closeness and the lunches etc, who knows, people at work have probably already talked about them. I mean seriously what is there to talk to a male colleague about if not work, and one to one, it builds some level of intimacy whether that was or wasn’t her intention. She is not a victim, that’s an insult to real victims. He gave it a go, likely only brave enough when he’s had a few, whether he has feelings or just fancied a shag, many people are up for all sorts nowadays, clearly he thought he had some kind of chance. OP hasn’t actually responded to him with a clear firm no, and he gave it another shot. Not the kind of guy I’d want to date, but I wouldn’t have that dynamic with a guy at work, and if I did, I’m not naive enough to think he wouldn’t be getting ideas, because vast majority of them would. It’s not cruel to say so, it’s facts of life, don’t do one to one with any man in that way and not expect most of them to get ideas

NBF · 27/01/2025 07:54

If it were me, I'd bring it u.witj HR incase things take a turn.
It's handy just to have it noted somewhere to back you up.

Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 07:56

NBF · 27/01/2025 07:54

If it were me, I'd bring it u.witj HR incase things take a turn.
It's handy just to have it noted somewhere to back you up.

Why? She hasn’t even told him no yet. Simple, no thanks you’ve got the wrong idea, I’m married, and not interested in you that way. Closeness at work was just colleagues getting lunch together, let’s not do that anymore, goodbye and good luck. Simple.

Thebellofstclements · 27/01/2025 07:59

One of my colleagues declared undying love to another colleague on an overseas work trip. She was horrified as completely uninterested, so told him straight away. Mega awkward for them initially, but as no one else knew (she told me only and I kept schtum) it blew over.
By just gently wafting him off or ignoring the messages you aren't giving a clear no. He needs a clear no, and you can move on.

Ewock · 27/01/2025 07:59

Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 07:53

She’s not a victim though, the guy expressed wanting more with her, they already have the closeness and the lunches etc, who knows, people at work have probably already talked about them. I mean seriously what is there to talk to a male colleague about if not work, and one to one, it builds some level of intimacy whether that was or wasn’t her intention. She is not a victim, that’s an insult to real victims. He gave it a go, likely only brave enough when he’s had a few, whether he has feelings or just fancied a shag, many people are up for all sorts nowadays, clearly he thought he had some kind of chance. OP hasn’t actually responded to him with a clear firm no, and he gave it another shot. Not the kind of guy I’d want to date, but I wouldn’t have that dynamic with a guy at work, and if I did, I’m not naive enough to think he wouldn’t be getting ideas, because vast majority of them would. It’s not cruel to say so, it’s facts of life, don’t do one to one with any man in that way and not expect most of them to get ideas

Edited

Goodness do you never talk to men then? How strange you are to never be able to talk to a man about anything other than work and you feel a lunch during work time with a work colleague is intimate. I assume then you don't talk or have lunch with any of your colleagues male or female as obviously they're is nothing to talk about other than work and it's intimate.

PoppyGalore1 · 27/01/2025 07:59

Rainbowscakes · 22/01/2025 20:56

In my view, you’re half way there anyway if you and Henry go for lunch all the time and are having cosy little Teams chats everyday. All your colleagues will be talking about you. In your position I wouldn’t be surprised that Henry made a move.

Whatever others say, it always goes back to the fact that men don’t waste THAT much time on women they don’t fancy. You know that though don’t you? I feel sorry for both of your partners.

Now you’ve had your ego boost, time to let him down and learn from this.

I assume you’ve been cheated on by a partner with a woman at work to send this kind of response? Or you’re going through something I assume?

Going for lunch with a colleague is completely normal…

To the OP, I would just send a text and not bother meeting in person. I feel like the meeting would be way more awkward.