Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Accidentally?

I really don’t see what the big deal is.

“it was a one time thing” …aaand forget about it. It sounds as though you are somewhat emotionally invested in him, despite not wanting to be. Otherwise this would not be such a big issue.

Why are you running away from what could be a relationship?

Every post emphasises how great you get on and now you've had sex.

Are you scared of any new relationship?

You implied your 'child' was a child- not on the verge of being a fully fledged adult who could be off to uni in a year or moving out somewhere.

For goodness sake!

This is not a safe situation for you, and it is totally inappropriately for your son.

Get him to move out. Contact Shelter for advice if he is being difficult.

You have 2 options, chalk it up as a drunken mistake and put it behind you for the remainder of his stay or else he will need to find alternative digs.
You say he is staying a few months and that beside this you get on ok. As much as you may feel awkward and embarrassed now, is it something that you feel would be possible.

Her son is going on for 18.

Single mums are allowed to have boyfriends.

In our culture the woman does the cooking mostly anyway. We are fairly old fashioned guess, the woman does the cooking and the man does the gardening and diy and stuff and he has actually been doing that. It actually kind of sounds like an arranged marriage but it is not. We are a bit more 'liberal' I guess than our parents. I guess we have just almost settled into a marriage without a marriage but I know that does not make any sense no matter what culture we are from. It really has been a bit too familiar I suppose and thats now why i am in the predicament I am in.

Wasting Shelter's time on a non issue like this (in terms of safety) would be highly irresponsible and unfair, as it would take their time away from cases where they are desperately needed.

Tell him the truth. You had a great time but it was a mistake and you don't want it to happen again and certainly not to turn it into a regular thing especially with your kids in the house.

It would not work. I like him genuinely like him but long term it would not work.

@Ohthatsabitshit

Would you like to have a relationship with this man?

Well done for asking the glaringly obvious question that no-one else has had the guts to ask! My thoughts exactly.

Would you OP? You both seem pretty invested in each other - you've had a lovely Christmas, you've been on holiday together, you've slept together........perhaps it's time to wake up and smell the pheromones

Just saying

I have to go into a meeting, I will come back on in a bit. I know I will have to speak to him later. Alcohol and sex. Never a good idea. I should know better, I a nearly 50 ffs. He is nearly 40. So stupid.

You need to set it out very clearly, you cannot leave any ambiguity.

'We get on well, I like you and I appreciate you being my lodger. However, I have a son and he is my priority, that means no sexual relationship - with anyone. Additionally, we have a business relationship, you are my lodger and pay money, and that can not cross over with a sexual relationship. That means what happened was a one-off and will never happen again. Don't try and persuade me otherwise, and please do not kiss me or make any further physical approaches. If you do I will have to terminate the agreement to have you as my lodger.'

This. ^ He should have known better than to shag his landlady, and fuck it being 'one sided!' it's the OP's home. He needs to go!

And I agree with a pp that I would never take male lodgers in. And especially not with children living at home. Fuck that shit. No way! Despite the whatabouttery bullshit from someone upthread saying that 'women abuse children too!' FFS! 🙄

As a pp said, most sexual abuse is committed by men. But everyone knows that!

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@Idiotcentral I agree with you, and I can understand entirely: it's all far too familiar. It sounds as if he's never been a lodger, just a family friend whom you are looking after as you would any guest — and then he's seized the opportunity to kiss you and...

I wonder if in your culture, if it's what you call old-fashioned, it would be considered shocking that you slept with him? What does the fact that you had sex with him mean to him? I suspect that in other cultures it will mean something more than just FWB. Would marriage be useful to him? Is that perhaps why he made a move on you? Is what happened just an unfortunate accident or did he engineer it? Complicated. Poor you.

For goodness sake! , the OP has said nothing to infer she feels in danger, your head is after running away from you

Why? This sort of thing happens all the time.

OP, if you don't want a FWB arrangement with him, then just tell him that it can't happen again and while it was a lovely, it was a mistake.

If you do quite like the idea of FWB, then go for it. It doesn't have to happen when your son's in the house and it doesn't have to entail him moving into your bedroom and it doesn't have to become a relationship if you're both clear on that.

To me, it seems really shitty to throw him out of his accommodation because you willingly had consensual sex with him. He didn't do anything wrong - it's you who feels it was a mistake.

I think you are over thinking this OP.
You both had a nice time and were consenting adults , that’s it.

Be honest with him and move on. If he makes you feel uncomfortable you can then ask him to move out But that’s a big IF

Be honest move on and stop giving yourself a hard time x x

Sounds like he wants to be a cock lodger

So just tell him that. If he can't handle it then he can move out.

I was shaking my head at this thinking 'what a disaster '; but now I'm not so sure.

OP's son is 17, they all get along quite nicely and fit into their 'cultural roles', know each other's families and now I have a love story in my head 🤦🏾‍♀️. I'm not usually this fluffy and OP has said many times it cannot work, but my intrusive thoughts have run away with themselves today 🤷🏾‍♀️.

To be honest you sound like you have really really mixed feelings. Do you actually need to do anything right now? You could say hmm not sure how I feel about last night let me have some time to process and let's leave it for now as it's awkward around my son and I don't want to confuse myself or blur boundaries. Then just go back to normal but without the alcohol. This is assuming you're confident you had the capacity to consent which it sounds like you did but you also mentioned being pretty drunk

I think im going against the grain here...

Op you are both consenting single adults, i assume you both had a good time so im unsure what the issue is, its only sex.

Of course your well within your right to say listen, i had a great time but actually now that ive sobered up i really regret it and the way is changed our relationship.

I just dont think it need to be made into a big thing.

Are you sure? Would you settle for a few years of great sex and happiness??!

Good lord calm down!!!! You standing in a corner clutching your pearls hysterical is ridiculous.

Please clearly explain how consensual sex is "unsafe"?