Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

You only need to give a lodger a weeks notice.

Do t take in male lodgers when you have a child at home.

He was irresponsible to kiss his landlady, a family friend without thinking about the possibility that it wcould backfire and might affect his accommodation.

If you are finding this uncomfortable, you would not be unreasonable to say this has changed the situation and you no longer wish to have him stay.

What if you hadn't responded? Would you have felt comfortable carrying on renting a room to him, knowing he might try it on again? Do you feel safe that he won't try to visit your room in the night in future?

The lines between lodger/ family friend are already blurred if you are cooking for and drinking with and playing families with this man! They've become even more unclear now you've been intimate with him. Cooking, cleaning and sex on tap... he must think he's really landed on his feet! Redraw the boundaries so you and your child come first.

I think as a first step you have to tell him never again, it's not appropriate with your teenager living with you, and even if it was to turn into a relationship, you don't start by living together.

I think he needs to move out, you could try to put it behind you, but I think it would be difficult.

I had a fling with a flatmate once, really messy, had to move out.

Yeah, when his lease ends just say you don't need a lodger anymore, and ask him to leave. This won't end well. I would not want to be living in my home, with a man who I have not been in a relationship with for at least 2 years... and am not related to, (just me and him!) And definitely not one that I had shagged! And I DEFINITELY wouldn't have an unrelated man living with me if I had children still living at home (and especially not school age ones!)

This causing him problems with his job (having to move out) is not your problem. He shouldn't have shagged his landlady!

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Oh jeez, I think I’d move out! I’m terrible with things like that so listen to everyone else who has sensible advice!

why only male lodgers??? what if the OP's teenage child is a boy? and the lodger is a woman. you do know that women do also commit crimes against children don't you?

🙄

I'd ask him to leave, he seems to think he has a cheap roof over his head and now sex on tap. Gross.

Don't panic OP. It was just the once, it was a one night stand not an affair.

Just have a talk with him to say you feel awkward about last night it shouldn't have happened as you don't want anything to interfere with the tenancy as it's was working very well, can you both draw a line under it and move on. And try and ignore the awkwardness for a bit. Then assess in a couple of weeks, if things have gone back to normal or not

No I own it myself but why would that make a difference? My parents asked me could he stay for a few months to do something in his job. My parents and his parents are friends i our home country which is not where we are now so he is paying to live in my spare room. Extra income is always good when you have a mortgage and bills!

The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male.

It’s just I think most people would find eating every night with him, and how much he’s in the house, potentially problematic/intrusive, leaving aside the ONS entirely. You could presumably get the same money for renting it to someone who’s out at work 8 to 6.30 and eats separately.

Depends whether he thinks his lodger situation has been changed by becoming a FWB, as he put it. Does he now think he's OP's boyfriend? Does he plan to keep paying full rent and keep to the house rules, or does he regard his status has having changed? Will he be starting to expect OP to cook for him, do his cleaning and washing?

Being a lodger involves an acceptance of certain boundaries and rules. FWB is up for negotiation.

I'm confused: you got pissed up and fucked your lodger whilst your child was at home?
That is grimy, as my teenage former stepchild would say.

Just have a frank chat with him, and tell him what happened shouldn’t have happened and it can’t happen again and you don’t want any reference to it.
As he is a family friend I don’t think you should kick him out just yet but if things become awkward do.

Exactly this I know I was a total idiot for sleeping with him. He did not force himself on me and him and my son get on very very well. I know how odd it looks to the outside world so to speak, he comes and moves in here and we all but look and act like a family. We have been on a short break together (all of us not just me and he) together over xmas too as we celebrate it in Jan not december and we had a lovely xmas together. It really does seem like we are in a relationship of sorts but I dont want it to be anything more than a friendship and totally aware i fucked this one up myself.

For those asking about a visa, not that for sure as we are both citizens of the same country. He is definitely not after me for my money either for sure.

If the sex was good and he's attractive, fwb would be an idea. But I understand it could make things complicated. If you don't want that, speaking frankly and setting boundaries is the grown up thing to do

😂😂

Just see how it goes after you've made it clear to him it was a one off. If it's not working out ask him to move out.

The OP said he' pretty much kissed me'.
It sounds as if she's not sure.

This is an adult woman, sharing her home, taking payment for it.
She wasn't forced to have sex.

Having said that, IMO it was a silly mistake that could be brushed under the carpet once they've had a sensible grown up chat.

Exactly. I have been in one relationship since me and my now 17 year olds father split when he was a few months old. I was with my ex a year before we introduced each other to our kids. It didnt work out obvously as I am single but I had never intended to do it again so yes it is a mess and only person I can blame is myself.

Would you like to have a relationship with this man?

Its been brilliant having him here to be honest for all of us. It still could go nowhere long term. We get along amazingly as friends. Stupidly crossed the line. I know I will have to talk to him later I just do not know what to say. I dont want him to move out but I dont want him to move into my bedroom either and i dont want my son to see more into it either.

Your child is almost an adult.
I don't think they are relevant here as presumably they are adult-enough to know you could have boyfriends/ partners/ whatever - as will they?

It's not as black and white as moving into your bedroom. Good grief!

If you want to date him take it slowly.

Your son is almost 18.