Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

So now there's an elephant in the room and one of you has to start the conversation.........just do it! You are both consenting adults. Open your mouth and say 'it was a mistake and won't be happening again! definitely the booze was to blame'!
He no doubt feels as bad as you now.

Why are you eating together each night
That's really bluring the boundaries for everyone
Most lodgers don't eat with the family they rent a room off
You need to put him straight asap,as he will be thinking it's ok to try it on with you again

Tell him that it won’t be happening again. You either go back to how you were, or he’ll need to move out.

@Idiotcentral why would anyone have a lodger in the house when you have a child??? is this a council house??

I think you are overthinking it.

If you don’t want anything more to happen tell him. If he doesn’t respect that then ask him to leave.

i think it would be a bit harsh to tell him to move out if the sex was consensual.

You're sooo gonna sleep together again!

Just be really clear “OK, last night was a one-off. All fine, but it isn’t continuing. It’s just too awkward and won’t work. I hope that’s ok for you”.

And resume former boundaries. Maybe with a little more formality / distance.

If you read back through your posts, you feel more obliged to your parents and this man than to your child and yourself. In your shoes, I would change that.

Bit silly of you both but it was consensual so morally I don’t see how you can throw him out.

But you need now to put the boundaries in place that you should have established from the start. Don’t eat together, don’t drink together. He’s the lodger!

You can do it. Obviously if he doesn’t accept the boundaries, then he can leave. But start by assuming decency.

The worst part for me is that you have a child and invited this man you'd never met into your home and forced him into your child's life.
The second concern is you got drunk with a stranger male and your child at home.

I'm more worried about the safety of your child. Abusers don't look all look creepy and some groom the mum to access the child. Kick him out, never drink again and dont take in strangers specially male strangers even if they come recommended.

Not to mention, is he angling for a visa?

Agree that it's odd you all eat together and look like a family.

Playing devil's advocate- you're SO sure you don't want a relationship with him that it comes over as 'protesting too much'. Are you just disgusted with yourself but also being dishonest with yourself?

You like him, you had sex, you eat together as a family- you sound as if (without the sex) it WAS a kind of relationship anyway!

Not clear if he has any lodger's rights- you talk about his lease agreement is in place so maybe he needs notice if he has to move out?

But it's a bit shitty of you TBH to end up in bed with him and then tell him to move out.

Have a conversation with him about where this goes next.

Possibly not what you want to hear, but my MIL accidentally slept with her lodger who was many years younger than her when she was a single mum.
They had A TALK and agreed never again.
They've been married 48 years and have three more kids (and 5 grandchildren).....just saying.

Hmmm... some advice here is rather one-sided.

The Op wasn't seduced as some tactic for her lodger to remain where he is.

It's not morally right for her to tell him to leave when she went along with consensual sex that she now regrets.

If you don’t want him living with you, then just tell him he has x amount of time to make other arrangements — it’s irrelevant whether your parents are friends or not. Other places to live are available, it’s hardly a matter of him having to live with you or return to his home country.

Quite apart from the sex, it sounds like an intrusive arrangement, anyway, if he only goes into a workplace irregularly for short periods and eats with you and your child every night. Do you need the money?

This, too. No wonder he was emboldened to make a move.

Tell him you can't be having a sexual relationship with your child under the same roof.

Your parents were bonkers to foist this on you in the first place. I would not want a strange man living with a single relative and her young child.

Oh, come on. She is the homeowner. She can end the arrangement unilaterally for no reason at all.

I’m not seeing the problem here. So what. You had sex with someone you’re interested in and who’s interested in you. Worse things happen at sea. Sounds fun 🤩

FGS this is an adult woman with a teenage child!

She doesnt have to do what her parents say.

Stop making out this is anyone's responsibility but the OP's.

She had a lot to drink, she had sex, (her call presumably) and now she regrets it. And wants to kick the lodger out.
Yeah- great.

You don't need to make a big deal out of this.
Tomorrow is another day.

Yes of course she can. But if his tenancy is in writing he may have the right to notice.

And just because she CAN do something doesn't mean it's right.

Look at it another way- older woman gets drunk, ends up in bed with a younger man, her lodger, has regrets and wants to kick him out.

Do you think that's a good way to live?

What's the problem? Have him as a FWB, or explain you just want things to be the way they are. Whichever.

Technically it wasnt morally right to sleep with a drunk woman or get drunk with a kid in the house (legally also)

@SilvieMac

Possibly not what you want to hear, but my MIL accidentally slept with her lodger who was many years younger than her when she was a single mum.
They had A TALK and agreed never again.
They've been married 48 years and have three more kids (and 5 grandchildren).....just saying.

This. I know of a similar situation. OP - is it beyond the realms of possibility that you actually do really like one another

Just say that last night was fun but you do not want it to happen again and you are not looking for a FWB situation with a lodger.

Don't drink with him again, beyond one glass of wine or beer to be sociable. Don't get so drunk you do things you regret - ever again. Not worth it.

I don't think it's fair to ask him to leave though. You were both consenting adults so why should he be homeless because you regret it? But if he ever pesters you or flirts or tries to engineer a second chance with you - that would be reason to ask him to move out.