Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Oh so laughable!

So an adult woman is not in control of her own choices and behaviour?

No one should have sex if they are drunk? Riiiight. Okay.

You're suggesting she was 'taken advantage of'

Are we back in the 18th century?

So technically it wasn't morally right to sleep with a drunk man either.

Making him homeless because you don't want a rerun is a bit brutal. There are other options, as long as he respects her decision.

Was your child in bed? Not great to be getting that drunk with sole care of a child.

I'd be concerned that his 'friends with benefits' comment implies he expects regular sex to be thrown in along with the home cooked meals.

How long was he supposed to be staying with you?

The child is a teenager.

No one is owed a home.

He is a lodger, he isn’t entitled to anything beyond 4 weeks’ notice.

Only he is responsible for putting his lodging in jeopardy, no one else.

he's supposed to be a lodger... yet you all eat together as a family? you were clearly drinking together last night? i think you've been sending him mixed messages!

you are both adults, have an adult conversation! if he needs a room and you need the money, then draw boundaries and stick to them! i disagree that he has to move out.. he was maybe picking up on your signals hence the FWB comment this morning, trying to tell you that a relationship was not what he wanted either.

you've said you both get on, he's been there a few months, i'm assuming there is no violence or controlling behaviour?

have a grown up conversation, draw a line in the sand and stop sending mixed messages.

Teen can be 13.

I would hate to see my parents drunk.

"Last night was a one off. Fun but a complete lapse in judgement.
It will not happen again and I will not entertain FWB with my child in the house. If there is any suggestion from you that you don't believe this and are not taking me seriously especially in front of my son/daughter I will have to ask you to leave immediately and find new accommodation. Is that understood"

Be absolutely clear and unambiguous. Then if there are suggestive comments, side eye, presents of more wine you have your answer.

I'm assuming you have already taken steps to reassure yourself he is no threat to your child.

If you want to try to keep living with him, you need to have the conversation now and nip it in the bud. Sit him down tonight and tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't want to enter into a friends with benefits situation. Thanks, but no thanks, you want to keep your friendly landlady-lodger relationship. The end. You could see how things go. If he fails to respect this, he'll have to go. I would give it one chance though.

Him moving out will not mess up his job, he has been in the country long enough now to find somewhere else.
So don't go making excuses.
Give him his notice, he can lodge elsewhere.

She’s hardly making him homeless! There are other options for lodgers.

So that was a response to someone who brought morality into this. The lodger certainly wasnt drunk enough to not be able to get it up and he initiated kissing a drunk woman. The whole situation is immoral pulling the morality card for finally ascerting boundaries and correcting a situation that should've never happened in thr first place is the only moral rectification now. Male lodgers when you have a child in the house is wrong.

Is this the same MN that goes into meltdown if someone dares to introduce a new partner to their child within 5 years of knowing them?

Lodger and FWB are not a good mix. What a mess.

When you can face it you need to have a good chat with him. If you don’t want it to happen again, tell him! (If that’s what you want) Hopefully you can both put it behind you and carry on as friends. If he pesters you for sex then that’s grounds for asking him to leave.

I'm not going to judge you for sleeping with him, you were drunk and it happens. But I'd be wary that he isn't just after somewhere to live long term.

Still don’t get what the drama is? Two adults who are attracted to one another had sex. And?

You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Just don’t shag him again.

Did the experience make you feel less safe to have him in your house?

It would be perfectly feasible to say "last night was fun obviously but I'm not looking for it to happen again - it wouldn't be appropriate. I'm happy for us to continue as we were before but if you feel uncomfortable and would rather find somewhere else then no offence taken"

If that's how you feel.

He was literally a cock lodger

He's a lodger. They move in. They move out. That's what they do. They're not your family, or your responsibility and you don't need to be sitting down playing happy families with your child over dinner, and you do not need to be having drunken sex with them while your child is asleep.

You don't need to let him stay because you feel obliged to, or your parents will wonder why you asked him to leave, this isn't any of their business. It is however necessary to prioritise your child.

Give him his notice, say it shouldn't have happened, and won't happen again, but either way he needs to find another room to rent.

Done.

I wouldn’t stress about it. If it happens again and you both want it to, just go with it.

Were you happy with the arrangement before this happened? Does it suit you to have a lodger? Did it suit you to have this particular lodger?

If you were close enough to have sex with someone you are close enough to have a clear and direct conversation about it not happening again.

If he was ok with that and stuck to it without any kind of hints or pressure would you be ok to continue hosting him?

Mike drop!

We all make mistakes. Tell him you made a mistake and it either doesn't happen again or he will need to leave.