Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

The boundaries have now become blurred.
soon he will stop paying you for his lodgings.

A s8ngle woman living under the same roof with a man she has slept with and who now thinks he is in a FWB setup?

This could very easily turn awkward and potentially unsafe. In her shoes I'd want him gone.

And in response to another poster: helping a woman in a potentially vulnerable situation is exactly why I donate to Shelter.

Op don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve not been stupid or immoral. An ill advised night of passion is neither of these things. It happens!

My advice,

Be calm and keep it all in perspective.

Talk to him tonight to clear the air. Insist it was a one off and be clear you don’t have romantic feelings for him but like him as a friend only. Set down (or reset) ground rules including from your agreement as a lodger.

Don’t rush into making a decision. See how it goes. Live with it. And don’t have a drink with him again!

You never know what the future holds. Maybe your son will move out in a couple of years. Maybe you’ll end up falling in love with your lodger. Or carry on being good friends with the rental agreement, and pitching in on house maintenance and DIY. Or, he’ll move on and out eventually - and you can keep in touch with fond memories of an ill advised night spent together never to be repeated.

Just give some space for any of these positive scenarios to play out.

You have created a totally bizarre narrative in your head

Is he a lodger or not? If he is, you can ask him to leave any time, no notice. Or you could just keep him as a shag buddy

Again the OP has said nothing to infer that she feels in danger, your head is very much running away from you,

I can't quite get over the fact that you thought it fine to invite a strange man to live in your house with your child, even if you had pressure from parents to do so.

The more you post about this the more it seems that boundaries were fucked from the beginning and he's been acting as your weird platonic pseudo partner for some time...

Here's why I would have him move out whether I wanted to explore anything more or not; if I did want to do it again then I wouldn't want to have it not work out and have to see him at the bloody breakfast table anyway, or risk catching feelings when for him it's FWB, and if I didn't then I would not have him hoping and hinting and manipulating in the hopes you did do it again, which seems likely given his fwb comments. Either one would make my home no longer my safe space, which is a hard red line for me. And that's the deal when you lodge - you get cheap rooming, you accept it comes with few rights, and if you really want to hold onto a specific room, probably don't fuck your landlady.

Have you seen the OP is nearly 50 and her son is on his way to 18?

He's not a stranger as their parents know each other and assume OP knew him before he moved in.

OP- is your culture Eastern, where the women do the housekeeping and the men do the work outside?

Did you sleep with him whilst your child was in the house 😧 I’m hoping for everyone’s sakes they were not in the house whilst this was going on.

I appreciate your child is a teenager but that is an very awkward situation to subject them to if so.

If it was really good why would you want to get rid of him.
Be honest OP you’ve had better.
😉😁😁.

Why are you allowing a sexually adventurous man (sleeping with the landlady who is known to his parents) move in to a place where your child lives? Why do you eat together in the evenings? Unnecessary closeness fostered with your child through this meal-taking. You say 'we look like a family to the outside world'. In your head you do, in real life you don't - he is 10 years younger and not your child's father. And this nonsense about 'he can't move out as it will impact his career as he is here to further his skills' - you know this is nonsense, if he is foreign and here on a talent visa to further his skills, he would have been able to afford normal accommodation and his parents would not have had to beg for help from yours. Be realistic and honest with yourself. (Actually, even if he is a poor immigrant student/low wage worker, there is nothing stopping him renting on the normal rental market).

I was friends with benefits with my lodger for a full year (he was much younger and absolutely gorgeous). He was dating other women and I was dating other men. As a single man he sometimes brought the women home and that felt a bit awkward at the beginning (as I too was sleeping with him lol!), eventually I got used to as I too (again) was dating other people so we were both bad.

After a year I fell in love with my BF and would spend the weekends at my BF home, the lodger moved out (not sure if he was disgruntled or not but not my problem).

Sleeping with a flatmate or lodger can work when you're young and foolish if properly handled (it worked for me!), this said I would NEVER get into this sort of scenario with kids or teenage sons in the picture, it doesn't sit right.

Her son is 17...

And for all we know, built like a brick outhouse

@Idiotcentral I think you need to calm down. It was a one-off. If he's reasonable he'll accept that and you can both draw a line and find that you have a really good friendship

This make it clear too all the fun but no strings attached.

I wonder if he deliberately made a move to make this into more and get free accommodation. If he's your 'boyfriend' it makes life a lot easier for him doesn't it?

But I'm a suspicious bitch!

I think he's going to have to go, OP. You can help him find alternative lodgings. A male lodger with a young girl in the house isn't a great idea, let alone one who clearly drinks too much and is low on boundaries. There could be all sorts of problems ahead if he stays. What happens when he wants to bring a woman back?
You don't have to tell anyone what happened, except to say that it wasn't working out and you've helped him move out, and that if you ever have another lodger, you'd prefer a woman as your DD is at a sensitive age.
EDIT: sorry, I see it's a son not a daughter. Even so. Sensitive age.

I would say that whether or not he has to go depends on what happens when you have a conversation.

Tell him it was a one off and let's carry on as before and see. If he thinks things are forever different or is in anyway pushy about a repeat then you know you have to do something.

I don't think sharing meals is inherently bad - if there was another person in my house I would offer them dinner as I cook most nights and it would be a shame not to.

Interesting mumsnet phenomenon. In the absence of specifics - or even with them, but they're overlooked - a lot of people immediately imagine a scenario in which the child (unspecified gender, unspecified sex) is a small girl, the lodger (non-British male, but that's all we know) is a vile seducer with a cunning plan to abuse the child whilst living rent-free and the OP (articulate and feeling a bit sheepish) was plied with alchohol and taken advantage of.

The eager instinct for unpleasantness in this place is quite worrying.

No no it really cannot morph into more. It would be appealing in some aspects, he has plenty of money, enjoys the finer things in life, there is a lot of trust here too like I have access to his phone, car, loads of gadgets etc that he has around the house. He also has access to my car etc and obviously can come and go as he pleases. He is no threat to me or my son in any way at all. It just could not work. I dont imagine I am his dream woman no more than he is my dream man. He is definitely a dream for another woman but not for me. So fucking stupid of us both. I have not spoken to him since as I am in work but he has to phone me soon about something that is being delivered to the house today so I shall see how he is on the phone to me.

Hey 🙂
Stop over thinking , you had fun, there is nothing wrong with that ..Yes , you have a teenage daughter , just need to be careful if some night ye want to have fun again 🤷🏻‍♀️..
I am single , I have fun here & there ,( live with my teenage kids ) nothing as exciting as having a lodger I am attracted to 😂, so don’t beat yourself , go with the flow …

@TinkerTiger watched this film at the weekend haha

You obviously don't want a relationship. You'll have to talk frankly to him. Make it clear that itt was a mistake that cannot happen again. You just want friendship.

As pp said don't overthink it.

The embarrassment will pass.

He’s living his dream, so double his rent.

The boundaries between lodger and landlord have been seriously blurred here in relation to a lot of things that you have mentioned.