Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Women who think it is ever ok to date/meet/chase/text/more a married man are indeed slappers??

200 replies

macdoodle · 05/05/2008 23:15

I have been criticised on a number of occasions for calling the OW a slapper but recent comments on MN have led me to believe that this is true...am I wrong??

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 07/05/2008 19:54

you are describing a break up where all parties had knowledge and mutually agreed to split and forge other relationships. The stereotypical OW/OM is of one partner with a bit on the side, and spouse in the dark

YouNeverKnow · 07/05/2008 20:02

yes i know but i was still made out to be the ow and it was horrid. there are lots of ways to look on adultery but calling ow/om a slapper is a bit harsh.

i think this thread will just go round and round in circles. sad thing is adultery happens. peopple fall out of love/lust thats just a sad fact of life

scottishmummy · 07/05/2008 20:05

at the centre of the OW/OM debacle is decit having your cake and eating it, thats what riles

madamez · 07/05/2008 22:55

Actually, a marriage does not have to include either a commitment to sexual exclusivity in the vows, or the fact that it is a contract expected to last till one of the partners dies, to be legally binding.

But however the original contract was worded, I still find it alarming that people expect any contract to be exempt from renegotiation for that length of time. Can anyone think of any other contract that you sign which insists that you abide by its terms and conditions until you die with no right of appeal? I appreciate that it is considered a breach of contract to make any kind of unilateral change to the terms and conditions, but asking to discuss possible changes or indeed to be released from the contract strikes me as an important right.

Original poster
macdoodle · 08/05/2008 09:32

But we're not talking about a contract really are we - we are talking about feelings, love, hurt, morality, respect,human empathy, kindness and consideration

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 08/05/2008 12:43

youneverknow - there are lots of sad facts of life but we dont have to 'accept' them. We can always find an exception to the rule, but if we state that affairs are wrong that is the starting point. For those who have been affected by affairs there will never be a good enough reason.

As long as you know the truth that is all that really counts.

I get defensive of people who judge my relationship as i have 'choosen' to stay with my H after an affair. Many say 'poor you having to put up with a lying cheating b and that i deserve more. There are days when i have felt like that too - but i now feel i dont need to prove to anyone anymore and those who choose to judge me are not worth my time.

I got caught and fined the other day for using my mobile phone on a road - now i have a lot of good reasons - it was not a main road and my DD was actually ill at nursery and i was worried it was to collect her, i was only on it for a short while and pulled into the nearest layby - but fact of the matter is i should not have even answered it. I did something i knew was wrong and now have 3 points on my liciece to remind me not to do it again.

HappyWoman · 08/05/2008 12:47

McD - it is a sort of contract but when childrn come along it should make it even more binding for others to adhere to.

Sadly i think no-one really considers this until it is too late and only then do they start to look for reasons and excuses to justify what everyone knows is appalling behaviour.

We know though that it is up to us to bring our children up with more respect for each other - and we will be thanked for that one day.

prettyfly1 · 08/05/2008 20:17

my son was conceived with a man whom was married. we had a one night stand when i was very drunk (no excuse would have done it sober but didnt use care). i felt appallingly for his family and never told them so they would stay together - raised my boy alone until recently and asked for nothing. i felt bad and ashamed and my behaviour was not right but noone cheats on a relationship they are happy in and i can assure you after a long time celibate (until recently) that i am no slapper. my son is beautiful and id do it all again. blaming the other woman is a waste of time. they didnt make vows they didnt make promises and they didnt conceive kids. husbands did - where is the post slating men and calling them slappers. its not rioght to be with someone you know belongs to someone else but its also not all the womans fault. dont flame me but it is true.

littlewoman · 09/05/2008 00:18

I think you've handled yourself with remarkable respect for yourself and his family, so there's not much to flame you for.

dittany · 09/05/2008 01:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 09/05/2008 06:35

I am sorry - i do not agree that affairs do not happen in happy relationships - i feel by that you are saying 'you wouldnt'. I think my relationship would have to be pretty crap for me to emark on an affair - but i do not believe that of men.

What is a happy marriage anyway - there are always problems and i do believe we all handle them in different ways - woman talk and men walk (that is generally you understand).

I think it is different for men, and there is some reseach which says that married men who have affairs do not have the same rate of break-up as married woman. And i think it is because for a woman the relationship is over - and if you are the ow you will think the man is 'thinking' that way too. iyswim.

wrt - the ow has not made the contract - again i do agree but i hope that as the wider society we all have some responsibility to others.

I have no responsibilty to my neighbours but if i thought there was violence or abuse of any sort going on i think i would try and help prevent it in some way.
OW do have the choice to say no.
Of course men who cheat are in the wrong completly.
But if we know 2 people have made a commitment why can we not ALL respect that and stop making excuses for what is wrong.

No-one is 'forced' to stay in a marriage, they are just too scared to get out before starting a new relationship. They might miss out on something.

Original poster
macdoodle · 09/05/2008 07:51

thing is see we all hold the man to blame - there has been no debate or excusing a married man who cheats - simple!
BUT my original thread which triggered this marathonm debate off - which could have been better worded/less inflammatory - was HOW much is the OW too blame...and I am sorry BUT IMO - she must shoulder some of the blame/take some responsibilty - are we saying all women are some weak lilly livered pathetic females who are unable to open their legs for whichever married man spins the best story....come on some of us have been able to say no/walk away from attached men (who we had significant feelings for)...why is it so difficult for others - that really was the original point and one after pages of posts I am still unable to understand - and its not just the walking away its the chasing, the needing to win, the wanting to be better than or beat the W.....and no personal offence here but on other threads reading between the lines this is very much the case

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 09/05/2008 07:54

So in my own situation, though I hole my H completely responsible for his behaviour, and will never be able to trust or respect him again.....worse for the OW (because I have no history or children with her)...I despise her, and I cannot see me ever having any kind of civil relationship with her (even for the sake of all the children with the same father)...I am just not that good a person

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 08:01

Trouble is a lot of people convince themselves their marriage was over and dead but miraculously they only think that when they are in lust with the new person who they then tell - oh it was over and usually that's a lie, instead they were just chugging along together until she/he came long and reminded him/her that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I get married men email me all the time. I reject them. I sometimes think I don't really benefit from doing that. You just get abuse from them and no appreciation from anyone else for desisting but why court complication? If I'm single it's simpler if someone else is.

HappyWoman · 09/05/2008 10:06

I am with you there MCD - there is a need to win - i supose the ow starts off in a posistion of disadvantage and has to do all she can to seem better. Touble is we can all do that and the ow knows it.

We need to feel sorry for these woman instead they have such low self-esteem they actually believe the lies these men tell them even when they know he is a liar. At least the wife does not know he is a liar at the time and wants to trust him.

I would have far more self respect than to go with a married man - even though i am sure i could have the pick of the bunch (but i know thats not much of a compliment!!).

Sanctuary · 09/05/2008 16:35

My sil was the ow
then his wife found out and he dropped her like a ton of bricks.(He needed to get his wife back )This was about 2 months ago
My Sil was heartboken god knows what she thought would happen guess she fell for his empty promises

Anyway he phoned her out of the blue last Monday to say his wife has decided to forgive and forget????
"Can he start seeing her again,"
I hope she told him where to f**ing go

Hes lied to his wife and my sil

HappyWoman · 09/05/2008 16:49

The trouble is that too often the ow will go back if only to cause more trouble in the long run. This is where i do feel the ow should let the wife know what a low down he is. Except she would not want to believe that.
Really hope your sil steers clear now she really does know what he is capable of.

Sanctuary · 09/05/2008 17:01

I hope that she has the sense we have told her in the past but "hes not like that he loves me " ......

I feel sorry for his wife and three kids
.He even lied to how long the affair was he says it was fling that lasted a weekend last summer when in fact it has been 5 years

dittany · 09/05/2008 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sanctuary · 09/05/2008 17:12

If you could tell the wife without causing anymore hurt to her or her children you just would.But she must be in pain as she is trying to forgive or forget

I hope he gets found out and loses everything he really is a sad example of a

HUSBAND
FATHER
BOYFRIEND?

MAN...

Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 17:42

Like my friend whose wife found out who apparently is now still seeing the mistress after he'd told her it was over as he was reconciled with the wife. Is there some process they go through that when the spouse knows and forgives them they see that as licence to carry on? Surely the spouse should be tailing them anyway and they'd get caught out.

Rocky12 · 09/05/2008 17:55

I had a friend her met her now husband when he was already married. Her view was that he wouldnt be fooling around unless there was something wrong with the marriage.

However my view is that she needs to look out now she is the wife.........

prettyfly1 · 10/05/2008 17:02

rocky - thats a seriously good point and like others have said on here although i had a one night stand i also agree with the point about low self respect - i could never be second best for any length of time and ultimately the ow always will be! you know what they say.......marry the mistress - create a vacancy!

SoupDragon · 10/05/2008 17:54

The blame lies split equally between the 2 parties having the affair.

bananaknickers · 10/05/2008 21:08

I agree with happywoman on this

New posts on this thread. Refresh page