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Original poster

Women who think it is ever ok to date/meet/chase/text/more a married man are indeed slappers??

200 replies

macdoodle · 05/05/2008 23:15

I have been criticised on a number of occasions for calling the OW a slapper but recent comments on MN have led me to believe that this is true...am I wrong??

OP posts:
stirlingmum · 07/05/2008 12:38

Well said HW I agree totally.

VictorianSqualor · 07/05/2008 12:41

Some affairs are people falling in love, some afairs are just greedy people who don't care enough to not have one, I don't think we can class all affairs in the same boat as this thread has shown.

mixformax said "Why does it seem that people have to start looking for the replacement, before the first one is finished."

Some people probably do but the reality is that we don't choose when we meet people and in some relationships it may not even be until we have met that person that we even realise how unhappy we are, it still doesn't excuse the action but it's not always possible to leave one relationship before we meet someone new.

madamez · 07/05/2008 13:05

If a couple started off in a monogamous relationship but after discussion they now have an agreement that one (or both) partners can have sex elsewhere subject to certain rules (no home fixtures, no work colleagues, no mutual friends, whatever is acceptable to both.) then this is no one else's business, surely. Why assume that anyone who agrees to a partner's having sex with other people must be desperate or mad or a victim just because it wouldn't suit you?

And whoever it is being pursued by a married man: the fact that he is married is not the issue, the fact that he is pestering someone who has refused to have sex with him is the problem. Tell him that if he persists you will seek legal advice against him for harassment (No means NO, whatever the marital circumstances of anyone involved).

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 15:34

I think madamez the key words you use are AFTER DISSCUSSION, and i totally agree.

If there has been that discussion then the need for secrecy is removed, i wonder how many of the ow would actually want that?

I think too many of the ow have a desire to 'prove' themselves more worthy than the wife, and it gives them a 'kick' somehow.

And i think that is where the hatred for the ow stems from rather than the actual sexual act as such. We can all do that after all. But somehow the ow wants to be 'better' at it iyswim, as a kind of power over the wife.

I secretly think too that the ow is afraid of the wife (she may actually be better), its just that with home/kids the spark has gone sometimes. She is willing to keep it a secret because she doesnt think he will 'choose' her.

And why fight for equallity - it will never be an equal world - just accept and know that if you are a woman who goes with a married man knowingly you WILL get flack.

dittany · 07/05/2008 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 17:18

I have never said a man is important, but those who have 'choosen' to be in a relationship for whatever reason should be respected in their decision by us all.

I also dont think my arguement only holds up if woman believe they need a man.

I have a happy life but the addition of my DH is a bonus i wish to keep. (for now ).

And yes i would fight to keep him if thats what i wanted. I also have children to consider. I also expect others to respect that but i have learnt that some woman do not and frankly those woman do not deserve any of my respect in return.

dittany · 07/05/2008 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 17:24

Imagine if the council turned a tenant out of their house because the new tenant was better looking, had less/no children so the upkeep on the property would be easier, less work for the council, more time off, more money etc. Everybody would be up in arms. How is a housing contract any different to a marriage contract when both are signed by two parties making a set of promises to each other. It is entirely reasonable to expect either contract to be adhered to. Why would you doubt it? So it has to be a shock (cue rude names launched at the offending party) when they stitch you up like a kipper.

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 17:25

Absolutly not!!

But i also believe in forgiveness and have said i am able to forgive both parties on many occasions.

Men go groveling back for their forgivness but most of the ow i have heard of just rub it in the faces of those involved as as happened with the op.

I think my point is - we all know what the risks are - if i were to ever become the ow i would fully expect everything i got and not whinge about how unfair life was for women.......

madamez · 07/05/2008 18:25

Littlewoman: but imagine if the tenant wanted to move (because he/she wanted to live somewhere else because of work, have more children and the house was too small, etc) OR the council wanted to convert the 3-bedroomed house into a lot of bedsits or whatever - but the other side insisted that they had signed a contract which was valid for life.
Basically whatever contract you have signed, asking to renegotiate or end it is not unreasonable.

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 18:39

again madamez you are right - if circumstances change then so will the relationship - this happens on several levels.
But if the council or tennant just go ahead with changes that they know the other will find un-acceptable that is wrong.

I am all in favour of re-negotiating new contracts but that means communication - which is sadly lacking in many relationships. I have been guilty of this. My excuse was too much work housework family demands blah blah blah... nothing new.

I feel lucky that i am far more aware of those pitfalls now - although i would not recomend going through what i have just for that.

I think we will have to agree to disagree that there will always be some who justify their own behaviour whatever that may be.

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 18:41

Lol you got me on that argument madamez

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 18:43

But thank you happy woman for being my back up!

You know I am only having a happy chat on these threads. No life threatening 'accept my opinions or I kill myself' stuff. I'm just enjoying the chat, and like to examine all the angles.

dittany · 07/05/2008 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 18:58

Me too

Dont know how i would really react if my best friend was having an affair. Probably be semi-supportive - but still want all the juicy details . Well at least i am honest(ish). .

It is difficult to have a balanced view if you have only ever been on one side.

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 18:59

Really Dittany? No, I couldn't do that. I've been so conditioned to think that marriage is forever that the 7 year proposal just makes me think "why get married at all then?" I can't get my head round that idea. I can't see the point.

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 19:04

dittany

I think you have a good point there - if we had to re-new the contract then it would be a good time to see if there were any changes that needed to be made. Bit unromantic though - a bit like a pre-nup.

Can you imagine going to a wedding like that?

I take thee - until you become so boring in bed that i fancy the knickers of anything that moves ....

And I take thee until you turn into a fat beer swilling oaf who does sweet FA but still expects me to jump into bed with you....

Seriously though having survived an affair i do believe that we are only now in this while we both get something out of it and the communication is so much better now.

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 19:05

Is it 7 years to coincide with the itch?....

dittany · 07/05/2008 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 19:09

My friend is having an affair with a married man. Has been for three years. The DW knew, although he had never admitted anything, and after three years of him staying out all night whenever he fancied it, the DW threw him out.So husband and wife are now separated.

BUT my friend doesn't want him. She thinks he is a cheating bastard, and that's no lie. She wants the security his half of the house can bring her because she is eastern european and poor.

Anyway, the other week, when the straying husband had pissed my friend off, she phoned his wife to tell her that they had been having an affair for three years, he hadn't loved her in all that time, and she was with him at the pub then which is why he could not take his DS to football.

Sometimes OW's can be mean.

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 19:11

HappyWoman, lol at your set of vows. Wish xh and I had taken those cose they were spot on, and at least we'd both have known what to expect!

HappyWoman · 07/05/2008 19:13

Thats horrid LW - what has the DW done to her after all.

Unfortunately there are too many ow who are like this - it must be a fault in them as they think they are better than everyone else.

scottishmummy · 07/05/2008 19:15

cheating is no basis for starting or continuing a genuine fulfilling relationship even if man did leave wife for OW the OW will eventually become her indoors... and then it will be her turn to wait and wonder if he is cheating and the wandering eye/hand have turned to another other woman

if an attached man or woman meet and are attracted the decent thing is to end current relationship, before committing adultery

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 19:19

Nothing, it wasn't really done to hurt DW, it was to make the husband look like a git and drop him in the dung. Having been in DW's position I could imagine the effect it had on her though, as I'm sure you can too.

She does think she is better than everyone else. She has a real 'up her own backside' attitude which is simlpy a mask for her deep distrust of men because she was put in an orphanage by her dad when her mum died and he remarried.

You see, you can't blame her for her hang ups either, but what a mess these people's lives are all in.

YouNeverKnow · 07/05/2008 19:48

i think that there is a differecnce between adultery when a) the relationship has been ongoing for a while sometimes years and b) when a marraige has broken down and its been agreed that they will split.

my case was the b. my husband was still living in the marital home for about a wk. they had discussed and they decided that the split was the only way thats when dh started a relationship with me. she had also been having a rlationship with a bf which she went onto buy a house with. despite this my dh has it on the papers that he commited adultery. it was either agree to that or wait the two years for a mutual end of marriage. at this point i was pg and we wanted it over so dh agreed.

it made me mad as this was not the case.
i suppose my point is that there is always more that meets the eye