Women who think it is ever ok to date/meet/chase/text/more a married man are indeed slappers??

[macdoodle]

I have been criticised on a number of occasions for calling the OW a slapper but recent comments on MN have led me to believe that this is true...am I wrong??

MacDoodle, if someone responds to being chased by a married man, she is very likely not being chased by anyone available and so will take whatever/whoever she can get

Anniemac I think there are a lot of people who get into this because of self-esteem issues, and because their past history with fathers or partners has made them somehow needier. the self-destructive issue is a good one too. I present myself to you as exhibit A.

There is some paradox about trying to 'turn' an unavailable man - like the challenege will somehow prove you the woman is irrisistable. However, this is bollocks I am starting to think - because married man are 'easy' in that they are safe (i.e. if you don't want me it's just because you are married not becaus I am undesirable). Maybe I have contradicted my earlier point a little..

mummybb I seriously do not want a "fight" - I am trying my dammdest to move on from my H's affair (with or without him)....and trying to understand the OW and get over my quite vicious hatred of her (she met me and lied to my face as well, as well as about me to H)is part of it - personally I just don't get it all - I have never spoken about my 2 brief dalliances with attached men as I was so very of them ....I find it even harder to understand a woman who has children who breaks up another family with children ??

mix I cannot belive this is often true - it is a very sweeping statement about the OWs - I think the issues run much deeper.

Dittany I saw many of the texts he sent her - she relished shwoing them to me(I am very much not a fool and he is a prick I am aware of this we are working our issues out) but I need to work my issues out regarding OW or they will haunt me forever...on this particular night he did not respond at all (he was sat next to me all night) and she bombarded him (more than 50)- his best friend has told me that it was a regular occurence for her to text him all night if he was out with mates!

macdoodle - I certainly have no wish to fight anyone - sorry if I am giving you that impression (it's past my bedtime) - and I am very sorry that you have been on the other end of one of these relationships.

I cannot pretend to understand why women behave like this - only that I am sure that some people lose their sense of right and wrong when overwhelmed by a (fantasy)relationship which appears to offer them happiness. Such women ( me included) could be called selfish.Hands up to that. But I honestly do see it sometimes as a form of weakness and madness..

Also - when someone feels their relationship with a married person is threatened - they will become more desperate to prevent it ending - which can often hasten the end. hencde 50 texts, stalkers, and 101 rabbit recipe books.

Before I go to bed I have been wondering what prompted me to start this thread.
I think what I want is to know that the OW is sorry, that she is ashamed for what she did, that she didn't mean to hurt me or DD1, that she was wrong and should have walked away, that she was stupid to get pregnant on purpose, that one day I will be able to trust that my DD's will be able to have a relationship with their half sister without me worrying what kind of demented things she will say or do, to stop thinking that somehow she is more of a victim than I am, that somehow I am the bad guy....
I will never ever talk to her again - she has always twisted and turned anything I said and even accused me of harassing her (totally untrue I would like to point out)...but she seems to see herself as some hard done by victim and that I broke her relationship with MY H up ....so I think I was looking for some insight into her head some understanding to allow me to move on.....

MacDoodle, you really don't need to understand the OW - just put her in a box and move on. Raking over her history with you H will only hurt you. Maybe try distraction - every time you think of her, actively push the thought away with something else.

Sorry if I offend mummyb, only speak as I find

Dittany H and I have been seperated 18 months - he still wants to get back together, I want a divorce - we are desperately trying to maintain a civil relationship for our DD's - I am trying to heal my heart and I guess getting the OW out of my head is the next step - H and I are dealing with our issues I am under NO delusions as to the part he played believe me......I am not excusing him - I hold them both to blame unfortunately I have 2 DD's with him so I cannot just walk away!

don't worry mix - i appreciate your words and belive me have heard a lot worse on here!

bedtime zzzxxx

Dittany I don't want him That was the first step - I did put her in a box for a long time it doesn't work I need to exorcise it I think (in my head that is not in RL )....

ok gotta go to bed - I started this thread really angry - and I'm not anymore so I actually think it helped thanks all for not letting it kick off

Being nosey! Where is H now? with OW? Has she had child? Is it definetly his? Feel free to tell me to piss off

Oops, crossed messages! Sleep well then, I'm off too now

zzzz

We are seperated but amicable - he lives in a flat I live in our house with our 2 DD's (he comes up most mornings to take DD1 to school) - he is adamant he is not with OW (but obviously my trust in what he says is not so hot)...OW baby nearly a year old (pretty sure it is his she is obsessed with him baby looks like him he says)...tend NOT to ask about her or baby (hard to deal with)....I have DD2 age 4 months (his) conceived when we DID try to reconcile about a year ago now - didn't work for obvious reasons (but I have my wonderful DD2).....I would like a divorce and move on (we have a business together so complicated) he is resisting , I will never trust him again and will never live like that again (afraid I do still love him more fool me but not foolish enough to ever take him back)....ok really night now !

Your ow sounds like a nightmare macdoodle. I'm genuinely sorry for that.

i can appreciate why you want to understand her - but all of us are different. she sounds a bit unhinged and unreasonable and i don't think it would help you to hear anything from her when she is in that state. i'm glad you have got some of it out of your system tonight though - but I don't think she is worth your thoughts.

No, they're very nice women, otherwise why would our xh's leave us for them? Us ex-wives just give OW's a bad press, because we are bitter old hags

OOH, I'm sorry I made a joke of it. I've just read your posts, and you seem very upset. I think they are just incredibly selfish . Otherwise, how could you willingly cause a family that much pain? Then again, how could he?

This is difficult to understand.
One thing, though - after I had been someone's mistress for several years, I wrote the wife a letter saying how sorry I was and that I didn't understand why he had done it as she was gorgeous and lovely, and I was so sorry and knew I had done something terribly wrong. I had a call from her new partner saying how dare I apologise, how dare I contact them like that, she felt nothing about me, and never wanted to hear from me again...
I know, they had every right to say that but I still wonder if it maybe helped her, to be told I was sorry, or just made things worse.

I did know it was wrong, but what I still don't get, and didn't at the time, was why I didn't see what a shit he was being.
I was sort of blind to it. All I knew was that I absolutely loved him, down to the bad bits, I mean I loved everything about the guy, which leads me to thinking it was more of a construction in my own head - ie I loved what I made him into, I loved what he represented in my imagination...the real man was highly attractive, but he was still a shit and I just could not see him that way at the time. All I knew was that it hurt like someone was cutting off my arm when I didn't see him for a while.
This of course was utterly callous to his wife, who for all I knew felt that way about him too, but I just didn't bring her into the equation, it was like I could not afford to - to be without him felt like I would die, I felt I had no choice, it was really weird.
I've never felt that about anyone else, before or since.
Perhaps he reminded me of my dad or something...it went very deep, whatever the pull to him was. It wasn't ever a laughing matter iyswim - not spiteful to her or for the sake of it, or anything like that. If he was there I would never have turned him away.

Sorry not to be more help in deciphering. Just some thoughts if it offers any insight. I'm sorry you've been through such a lot of shit, macdoodle

Low self esteem probably came into it for me but it didn't seem like that then - I just felt like I needed to be near him, no question. I used to cry when he was hurt, things like that - want to feel the hurt for him, so he didn't have to, that kind of feeling. No idea if that was love or just weird compulsion on my part.