Women who think it is ever ok to date/meet/chase/text/more a married man are indeed slappers??

[macdoodle]

I have been criticised on a number of occasions for calling the OW a slapper but recent comments on MN have led me to believe that this is true...am I wrong??

affairs always involve lying though.

And while I think that anyone who goes after a married man (or woman, as I know a guy who went after a married woman and caused the end of her marriage) is beyond contempt, no-one can be got who doesn't want to be had.

my experince is the same as LW's - in my case I call the 'women' and sue that term loosely little bitches as in my eyes they are - they knew my husband was married, they knew he was out of bounds both were 19/20 he's 25 i'm 26, we had been together for 8 years. they were free and single he was not - he even told them that ( don't know what else he told them thou) I was faithful completely to him. did the dutiful wife bit.

for those of you who's DH's were in relationships where the XW was cheating then in my view no you're not slappers slags etc etc.

Wannabe, I think the idea of leaving one unsatisfactory relationship before embarking on a new one is completely right - If necessary, recognise that relationship no 1 is not all its supposed to be in the movies and break away. THEN maybe start looking for a replacement, not the other way around. Also the end of the relationship needs to be fully communicated (and accepted) by the other party before the next one starts. Well, at leat give it a decent timeframe - a bit more than a few days!

Why does it seem that people have to start looking for the replacement, before the first one is finished. If it was icecreams, it would be termed just plain greedy....

whilst my dn relationship was broken beyond repair he did not go out looking for me nor did i him. we fell for each other and that i suppose is what forced my husband to leave the marital home. why stay in a completely broken beyond repair marriage?

the title and op of this thread is misleading and offensive really

I take exception to any woman being called a slapper in any situation

I have been the ow, I didn't know to start with and it took me a few months to walk away, which I did when I knew he wouldn't leave his wife without moving in with me ( I wasn't ready for a live in relationship) He was a weak man, deeply unhappy but unable to live alone

I also have a dear male friend. He is contemplating an affair (not with me). His wife will not and has not had sex with him for 4 years. No kisses, no hugs, no sex, nothing. She doesn't like it (5 kids later) She has held sex as a tool before she went on strike. He won't leave as he does love her and adores the kids, he is craving affection. He is gorgeous looking, fit, kind and only 32, he wants to feel loved. I can see his point, men need affection and caring as much as women. He knows that if someone shows him that, he prob will be unfaithful

I hate the theory that the OW are wrongdoers in affairs. Women can be as bad as men and want the same things as men. Why do women hate women so much?

Or piggy, self indulgent....

@ if it was ice creams, it would be termed just plain greedy!!
Well said!!

YNK, the person that started/titled this thread was HURTING after being cheated on. Surely its better to vent here and risk offending someone that turning into a bunny boiler FFS?!

Here speaks someone who has done both and not sure which is more satisfying

Minority - Women want to hate women (ow) so much because they dont want to lay all the blame at the door of the dh.
I started out like that, 6 months ago, because I couldn't imagine the person I had known for 20 yrs, and married to for 15 yrs had knowingly set out to hurt me. Someone else must have been to blame!!
I now realise that he took the vows, he sat next to me whilst I gave birth to 3 of our dc, and he climbed into bed with another woman lots of times during the last 12 months knowing I was sat at home.
In the end you know who is to blame, it just takes a while to figure it out.
You need to direct the anger somewhere.

yes great that she can vent here and i understand she was hurting but i find the word slapper offensive. bunny boiler no good at all

at "had knowingly set out to hurt me" Really hope that isn't the case, and that you don't truly belive that

But MacD wasn't laying all the blame on the OW, she admits her husband was at fault too.
I think in many cases if the man is feeling unhappy/discontented/neglected whatever, they find it easier to look elsewhere than to sort out the problems at home, and some OW do manipulate the situation to their own advantage by offering him everything he wants on a plate and making him think the grass is greener.
In my situation, I had no idea that my exP was unhappy, I was pg (totally planned) and out of the blue he left me for the OW. Now she knew he had a family and a baby on the way but she still went after him. Looking back I can see that I was concentrating on ds1 who was quite ill at the time and I was too tired to pay exP enough attention, but if she hadn't come along I am certain that we would have sorted things out but they both took that chance away from me.
With hindsight I am much happier now without him and he is now miserable with her, but that doesn't make what they did right.

I do believe that when he climbed into bed with her he must have known the outcome. He must have known this would end in tears.
He didn't do it lightly - he had only ever slept with me before so he wasn't one for "sewing his wild oats" so to speak!

Well no one can 'take away' a monogamous partner who wants to remain in a monogamous relationship, for starters. And those of you pining for the 'golden age' when everyone in the inbred backwood you lived in knew your business and couples stayed together, don't forget that those were the days when women killed themselves rather than cope with an unplanned pregnancy, rape victims were locked up in mental asylums and regular spouse-beating was just something you put up with becauseit wasbetter than divorce

MacD, actually I would like to contradict your statement: You can only be chased if you want to be.

I have been 'chased' by a DH for nearly a year now and I most certainly don't want to be chased. He just won't accept the word 'NO'!!!

It is sickening and belittling for me, however, if I were a little looser with my morals (perhaps a few years younger, or less experienced in the ways of men) then perhaps I wouldn't have been able to resist the attention. ...Although, my friend (the DW) gave her permission (as a result we are no longer friends. And, his eyes have begum wandering towards other women, so is obviously a pattern of behaviour in DH.

So I have these experiences to add:

The OW would have to be weak/emotionally stinted (also includes young)/inexperienced/masochistic and self loathing.

I would be interested to know how many other DW's would give their DH permission to sleep around, and what drives them to such a decision - I just can't ever imagine allowing it!

Madamez, you've written exactly what I wanted to write.

How can you pine for the dark ages when lynching and torture where prevalent in Europe? Just to remind you, the notion of marrying for love is an idea out of romanticism, 18th, 19th century. Before that, couples would be paired to increase the wealth/bonds of families and forge alliances and feed many mouths (siblings, etc).

The movie Malena comes to mind and it's quite sad really. You cannot be serious.

Nobody pines for the backwoods - I never wanted to be my own granpa, I thank you!
And anyway, are we even out of the backwoods? because as far as I can see we've swapped one set of patriarchal values for another that gives the illusion of liberation but actually delivers nothing at all (i.e. you can divorce a straying spouse now, but you still can't expect them to behave). Till men are locked in the house with the children, being given their house keeping money, and women roam the streets on the pull, nothing will change and all this chat is breath better saved to cool our porridge.

Coming to the pub girls?

Pink slips they are called. I know quite a few 'arrangements' where the wife enjoys the social status, money and lifestyle her DH gives her. She on the other hand requests him to be discreet and considerate (no friends, women in their circle, etc) but looks the other way.

It's something that's not spoken about.

As a Chinese friend of mine once said: why should I be worried about DH? I am the wife, the mistress will be replaced. Her grandfather had concubines, openly sharing the same house, yet they obeyed the grandmother. In their society divorce wasn't something you contemplated.

I understand how affairs start, marriages have problems and man confides in a woman - but instead of her or him saying go home and talk to your wife/husband try and fix it with a fling.

If a friend told me they were having problems i would tell them to go home and talk about it - and if a relationship started i do feel that the ow has a 'duty' to tell the wife. But maybe that is just me being niave. Affairs are kept exciting because they are secret - bring it into the open and they is less attraction.

Affairs are not real - they are fantasy and often dont last the test of time. People in affairs know this and are too coward to be truthful to not only themselves but others around them.

Anyone reading this would think it only ever men who have the affairs. I know many women that have gone over the side.

We need to lose this notion of the scarlett woman

Wow am so glad that this has turned into a genuine discussion and not a barney as I know my OP title was inflammatory - I was angry TBH (lots going on)....
GUP had a good post a while back and with this I agree, I know we had problems in our marriage - we had money worries, had been struggling to conceive a DC2, were resenting each other - but I believe we still loved each other...but along came the OW and offered him on a plate all I was struggling to give affection, time, sex...and listened to him and slagged me off
She SHOULD have told him to leave me if he truly wanted her and she would be waiting - instead she colluded with his lies and deceit and enjoyed it (laughed about me - I saw the texts and listened to the voice mails)...acted like it was a big game and I was the one breaking them up when we tried to make a go of our marriage....yes he was to blame (I know this) but I wonder if she hadn't come along when she did and lsiten to his lies and go along with it whether we would have stood a chance - as it is too much has passed now (largely caused by her in the latter months)....and for this behaviour I call her slapper I just don't know what else to call her

We all tend to say the things that will hurt the most in order to return a small part of the pain that you we feeling. That's fairly much human nature. You're not a bad person, MacD, I feel sure. Like you say, you're under a lot of pressure - and who can honestly say they've never cracked under pressure?

Have you had counselling? You can often get it free via the doctor, or some schools can arrange it too. In an ideal world, people would speak to each other and maybe we would have less need for counsellors. But perhaps you might find it really useful to talk to one. I really found it helped me.

Oops, excuse the grammar. I'm not even drunk yet!

Someone said somewhere that people in unhappy marriages should leave the relationship and then start looking for someone new, surely those marriages that end due to one partner leaving for a new relationship, that do actually end in love (my Dad and his OW for example) the point is they have already met this person, and fallen in love, we can't choose when we meet someone so I don't think that can really be followed.

Wait until we end a relationship before moving on , yes, definitely, we don't have to act on our feelings, but how we are suppsoed to not have those feelings in the first place is beyond me.

When I was in an abusive relationship a friend's brother was my shoulder to cry on, he was lovely, under different circumstances we'd have been a couple, we had discussed it on numerous occasions, he'd let me know that if I ever wanted to I could end my relationship and be with him, he knew I felt the same but was in a relationship.

We never crossed that line, even when the only pErson we would have been betraying was a violent, drug-addicted, alcoholic who was sleeping with anything that moved. Which is why I believe our feelings aren't possible to stop, but our actions are.

I dont think anyone is saying that you can turn your feeling off, but if you knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who you already know is married/committed then surely what do you expect?

Life does change us but if we have in the past made a 'pact' with someone else and allowed them to make life choices based on that we surely as decent human beings at least owe them the information.

And once someone has 'fallen' in love with an attacted person surely they have a choice as to whether to carry on regaurdless or tell the truth.

Affairs are not people falling madly in love and wanting to be together forever - they are selfish people who put their own needs above anyone elses and find justifications for their cowadly behaviour.