Women who think it is ever ok to date/meet/chase/text/more a married man are indeed slappers??

[macdoodle]

I have been criticised on a number of occasions for calling the OW a slapper but recent comments on MN have led me to believe that this is true...am I wrong??

dunno

i have some moral absolutes and shagging/ pursuing married men / women is one of those

i am not naive or lack life experience

people have a choice , whether it is to flirt, or shag or whatever. being in the grip of strong emotions or drink or whatever does not excuse the behaviour.

don;t start something if the end result can only be hurt and pain for yourself and others

i am married, of course i look at other men, of course it is nice to be fancied adn desired by other men, but would i ever take the next step? not a chance. i love and respect my DH and my DCs too much for that

if i was tempted, i would take a good long look at myself and my marriage

of course, having an affair , and keeping it secret is far easier than ending a marriage , especially where there are children

people want their cake and eat it and don;t want to be arsed investing time and emotion in relationships

i have little sympathy for the OW or OM. people make choices. and when they make the wrong choice,they have to live with the consequences, and not ask for pity when the consequences are so predictable and forseeable

Have to agree with HLS here that things in rl are not that black and white. I have been cheated on and also have been OW.

When I thought I was being cheated on (had v strong suspicion and evidence) the blame would have largely fallen on my DH. I think the idea of sisterhood is largely an illusion perpetuated by some feminists (of which I like to think I am one). I don't really think it truly exists in any areas of life.

If I met someone new and had no history with them and they were married I simply would not go there. So maybe that's my moral absolute.

However I have been OW with an former boyfriend. I know it was high risk, went in with my eyes wide open but my feelings for him outweighed all of this.

I do not consider myself to be predatory or particularly lacking in self esteem. Nor am I proud of myself. I would not have caused problems for him at home ie act like bunny boiler. I take a philosophical approach to it - if it is meant to be etc.

But I hate the name calling in this and any situation when describing (mainly woman's) sexual behaviour

i don;t think it is anything to do with sister hood . it is to do with doing the right and decent thing regardless of gender.

i disagree with use of slapper etc.. and thikn that women get more flack than men do in all of this.

Sorry only just joined this. i do not think it is always black and white but there does have to be a line that is never crossed. When people have made a commitment to each other then surely as a society we all should support that?

I do feel the ow has some responibility to wife and kids - its called respect. Doing something morally wrong is not made better just because you will not 'make trouble'.

I have a set of morals that i live by and i truely do believe i will stick to them, no matter what the circumstances are.

Here are some of them.

I would never drink and drive
I would help someone if i saw they were in trouble - i would not stand by and see someone hurt.
I would not 'smack' anyone elses child.(i have mine but do feel so very guilty and know it is my own failing before you all slate me).
I would not go with a married/attacted man.

These are just a few and i hope i am teaching my children the same.

Sorry but some things are wrong - full stop. However we try to justify it.

I know it happens - and i try and look at it as mistake - but we should never justify knowly causing pain to others.

I do think you can disapprove of someone who has sex with someone they know is in another relationship. But the chief offender is the person who is married/in a partnership.

Agree there is inequality here - the other woman is demonised while a man who has an affair or who has sex with a married/attached woman isn't. But that doesn't mean the person knowingly sleeping with someone who has another relationship gets off scot free.

Really tricky when you have children - God forbid but if dh and I split up over adultery, I would hate the thought of the other woman being around ds (and assume dh would feel equally furious at the idea of an 'other man' playing happy families with ds).

It is still a mans world whether we like it or fight it.

I do think men get an easier time of it - but we all know the score beforehand too.

I have just come across a case of the lost/malfunctioning empathy that I mentioned earlier. I am sincerely . I was talking to the mother of one of DS#1's friends at school. She told me that her DH is in the middle of leaving her (at her insistence) because he is having an affair with his second cousin (or some such) who was standing across the playground from us! She knows about his children, she even went to their wedding last year. Their children play together. He insists that his actions are not effecting the children - even though mum has been called into school several times to deal with incidents of fighting/tears/children running out of the classroom and hiding. He has told her he'll cut her throat if he ever catches her with anyone else. And he'll take the children.

Now I think it would be perfectly justified for her to use whatever name she likes about both her DH and the OW. In fact she didn't. I suggested politely that he sounded a little 'unstable'

Dittany, I dont get it either, really, I, as her friend, listened when she needed me, but told her time and time again that he was a user, a cheat, an arsehole,a nd probably a big fat liar, but she loved him and trusted him, more fool her I say, but these stories he would tell her were even confirmed by his friends!

The wife never went out, it was my BF he took out with him if he went somewhere, everyone knew about her, and what his wife would apparently do if he left her.
I honestly believe people thoguht they were like Romeo and Juliet, especially her.

As I said young, naive and stupid, yes, but human, and we all believe things we want to believe.

FWIW, she, herself would say she was in the wrong and totally under his spell and a proper muppet for believing him.

The fall-out after the termination was worse, especially as I got pg not long after, the one time I was best placed to say I told you so and desperately wished I'd been wrong.

I just don't think there is an excuse for it. At all.
Yes the men are shits, but certain women can be very very manipulative too and I just don't see any justification for sleeping with a man who has a wife and dc.
You can make excuses all you like, but imo it is absolutely 100% morally wrong to knowingly wreck a marriage and hurt innocent children all for what - sex? affection? love? all of which can be got from single men.
Sorry if it sounds blunt, but I really can't muster up any sympathy for women who do this, having seen first hand all the heartache it causes.

Dittany- I am never for one moment condoning affairs- all I am saying is that sometimes, an affair is a symptom of a poor marriage, rather than the cause of it or a break up.

There are genuine cases of "my husband/wife doesn't understand/love me" and in an ideal world they would split before they met anyone else- but it doesn't always happen. It's just daft to think it does. And can you try to keep the sarcasm out of the posts- that's what I hate about mn at times- the cattiness, and the inability to say something without resorting to sarcasm and plain nastiness- not you- but others at times.

it's a nasty thing to do, though, hls, to just basically think, 'well, in an ideal world he/she should have split, but oh well, he/she didnt. get over it.'

it's not cool to knowingly sleep with someone you know is married and has kids, no matter what the circumstances.

because people get so, so hurt.

Going back to op -

My h's affair happened in another country with a woman he had worked with for 5 years. She knew of us (me and dc) but I have seen through texts/messages that she felt that they were "responding to something they had felt for years"!! As if this was a good enough reason.

I know I will never know the whole truth, but I asked h whether she asked about me or the dc and he says no. I believe it was a case of out of sight, out of mind. She really didn't want to know about us - but bear in mind that was told to me by my lying, cheating h!

Also - to the people so up in arms about the bitterness/anger/sarcasm - I am afraid there are alot of women on here still reeling from the fact that their h was not the person they thought he was and this anger etc needs to come out.
Surely it is better to come out here than in rl.
Also, I find it very therapeutic

HLS, those are good posts.

I don't think anyone would disagree with the statement that it is 100% morally wrong for married people to have affairs but the sad fact is that many people do - both men and women incidentally, although more men. Equally many people become 'the other person' in these affairs.

The fact that this happens is because life is not lived by absolute principles or by always doing the right thing. Someone else said they'd always help someone in trouble. Yes, we'd all love to think that but would we really? How many people are attacked whilst people watch or walk by and do nothing? I'd love to think that if three thugs were beating the crap out of another guy on my train carriage I'd step in and do something or call someone - but in reality would I, and risk being the one they turn on next? It's staggeringly easy to take the high moral ground until you've been in that situation.

Yes, there are certainly men (and women) who are absolute bastards who set out to cheat and who don't care who they hurt. Yes, there are certainly OW/ OM who don't care about who they hurt either. But as HLS and other people who've been in these situations say, it's sometimes far more complicated than that. I know this is an emotive issue and, not having been in this position am wary about commenting on it. But it does seem that whilst it's always easy to condemn, trying to understand first is the more appropriate thing to do - there'll always be time for condemnation later.

Dittany- it's a deal, but I thought there was a rule anyway on MN that swearing wasn't allowed? Not my riles- but the moderators? maybe I have misunderstood. (not aimed at you- but just a general comment.)

HLS, there are no mods on MN, no censorship, no rules, except for personal attacks which we have to report to MNHQ ourselves.

It is the person who plays away that is betraying He/she is the one who is committed to a partner and (children in some cases.)
Lies to their whereabouts working late etc etc.Some do feel bad about it some couldnt care less I did post earlier about SIL It is her that sat by the phone waited in at night for him to slip away.Her he made false promises to filled her with shit His wife doesnt understand and he is only there cos of the kids.
While he is sat back at her house drinking wine enjoying life away from reality his wife is feeding, bathing, homework etc etc his 4 kids
I don`t think for one minute she was right and I did tell her.But this HUSBAND was decieving(sp)his wife and still is with his lies