Women who think it is ever ok to date/meet/chase/text/more a married man are indeed slappers??

[macdoodle]

I have been criticised on a number of occasions for calling the OW a slapper but recent comments on MN have led me to believe that this is true...am I wrong??

Sorry that first paragraph sounds like I think my letter somehow made up for the affair - of course it didn't, but I guess there is no way to do that. I guess I wanted to try and put it right but couldn't, and we both knew that. I hope she is in less pain nowadays
I was such a stupid fool.

hah! the ow in my case had the cheek to phone after she had a row with my exh last week and said yes, indeed she wishes she had steered clear. when i asked why the fuck she hadn't done she replied with a giggle 'you know what a charmer he is'
low life.
and they are still together.

I think to determinedly avoid getting involved with a married man that you really fancy and who is attracted to you, involves more than just 'doing the right thing'. It involves empathy. You have to feel that what you are doing is going to cause hurt and to want to avoid that. And the older I get the more I realise that many people lack all empathy with the real people around them. They can sob over Princess Di and get hugely involved with the storyline in Eastenders, but don't really give a toss for those who live around them.

Someone who does the things as described in the OP is not being a decent person.
I honestly don't give any weight to the term 'Slapper' or, come to think of it, slag, slut etc.
They mean nothing and show only disdain on part of the person using the words.
I wish these words weren't used as often on here (or anywhere else).
But I've seen a thread lately where the op is clearly in pain and distress and uses the word slapper to describe the woman her XH has left her and their children for, and I don't think that is an appropriate time to pull someone up on the words they use, although some did.

not at 2, althou my XH is just as bad if you ask me. But there was 2 women involved. apparently he's now told one of them 'it's not gonna happen' maybe he's realising what an idiot he's been & what it is he's thrown away.

I do not have the time of day for either of said 'women' and would rather cut of my own (well something v bad!) than I would be civil to the little bitches who helped to wreck my marriage. -Then again thou XH & they did me a favour really as i'm better off out of it after all of the abusive stuff he did over the years.

This is an interesting question Mcdoodle - not as straight forward as some make out though. If women who embark on relationships when the man is married (and they know he is) are all 'slappers' then my mother is a 'slapper' - please forgive me if I find it difficult to accept that wholeheartedly.

My perspective is that of the 'second family' my Father already had a family and a wife and met my Mother then went on have a affair which became a serious relationship (they married when his divorce came through). His first wife was already having other relationships neither was faithful. Mum was younger (but not a teenager) and had come from a horrendous homelife so I can appreciate (a bit) the appeal of an older 'safe' family man.

I know that my mum had a very difficult time as the other woman and I have no doubt his first wife (a woman I know well and like very much) had a horrible time. I was the 'bastard' and was pitied I think by Dad's Catholic family. Things only got easier for everyone when his first wife also had another child (not much younger than me) and was in a long term relationship herself. But now my Dad is dead (for many years) Both women get on pretty well and even lived together for a short time (due to illness). Mum did not enjoy a happy marriage (Dad was a great father but crappy husband) but they both love their children and all of us half and full siblings love being part of a big sprawling family.

Only time can give perspective to such a painful end to a relationship. As I am now married with children I can only imagine how I would feel if my DH did this to me. I would never have an affair either but I like to think if my husband did leave me for another woman I would be able to appreciate that things could be ok in the end. But I do not expect everyone to have this perspective it is so difficult to deal with betrayal I can only hope I never have to.

But you're talking about one woman who I agree sounds vile. But I think it's dangerous to take the POV that men have no willpower of their own. I would reserve the majority of your anger for the man who made promises to you and then broke them rather than for the woman he broke them with.

thank you big mouth that is brave and helps - I guess part of it is knowing that my DD's have a half sister that one day they would want/like/need to know - and that maybe it could work out in some way (though TBH it hurts a lot that she got a wonderful gift of a child from her behaviour almost like she has been rewarded IYSWIM??)

yes bigmouth it would apply to my mother too

who met a man who had been unhappily married for years, whose wife had got him into debt because she was unsatisfied with the wage he was earning and wanted a 'better life'

he was drinking a lot and was very, very lonely

my mum got him out of debt, stopped him drinking, and they lived happily until he got cancer and she nursed him till she died

not a slapper

not at all

nursed him till he died

my mum is still very much alive thankfully

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time Macdoodle

I have to say I am grateful that my Dad's first wife never showed me any anger she must have felt - she is always lovely to me (as far back as I can recall)and I have a close relationship with my older sibs.

She and my Mum were both at a family gathering at my house this christmas - and I am not saying that it was entirely comfortable all the time - but everyone got on well and I think enjoyed the day. I don't think that could have been imagined 30 years ago!

Very much agree with Ormirion (sp?). There must be a total lack of empathy for the wife. I got a text from xh's OW when he split up with her briefly (so he could work things out in his head about what he wanted).
I told him whatever he wanted, he could eff off because I wasn't taking him back. She texted me and said "yeah, well, nobody wins".
Exact words (only she doesn't know how to use commas ).

I was totally furious. 'Wins'? Is it a competition then? Or a game? It was very very clear to me that I was something that needed to get out of her path, that was all she saw me as.

I shouldn't answer these threads. I feel compelled to text xh and tell him what a C word he is - which will look a bit mental, 4 years down the line..... oh dear

I agree with BMSA and C, it's not quite so black and white. No doubt the betrayal and loss of stability hurt everyone involved but as much as you may hate the OW, it wasn't her that made the vows to the wife. In quite a few cases she doesn't even know the wife is still present and is certainly being given a description of the relationship by the man that might not resemble his wife's ideas of it.

What if he personally thinks that the relationship is loveless, what if it's a fact that there's hardly any sex and he feels neglected and lonely, pushed aside by the kids and social calendar of a wife he hardly sees because he toils to bring cash home? I think the decent thing to do is to be honest, sadly IME 99% of the men I've met are cowards as they don't want to 'hurt' anyone...till it all comes out and hearts and homes are ripped apart. It's so easy to vilify the OW and if they're being nasty to the wife they deserve a slap, but don't forget who promised to love and honour you, yet didn't keep his word.

Most OW don't stay with the man they had an affair with. You could call it karma. Very few stay together, some go on get married and have children together, having found their 'one'. BMSA's story gives hope that time is a healer.

I think, sadly, some people grow up in a world where all relationships are transitory. Committment means 'for as long as you feel like it'; and so, for them the fat that a man is 'married' is actually not important. They dont see that as a lasting committment anyway so whats to respect ?

sadly that often applies to their experience with children also, a man ( and we all know of plenty) 'can' leave his children.

I does not make it right, but some people are simply not coming from the same place as you.

My best friend was in a relationship witha married man for years, I don't think she was a slapper at all.

She was in fact a young, naive and stuid 17year old girl that met a guy who didn't tell her he was married straight away.
She later found out he was, and had two children of his own and a stepdaughter, she was devastated, but by now she was hooked, many a time she ended it with him, he always told her that him and his wife were 'just together for the kids' and other sob stories, so much so that even she thought him staying with his wife was the right thing

A few years in the wife left him, taking her two eldest children abroad and leaving the son, compounding what my friend had been told about how the wife didn't treat said son properly hence he couldn't leave.

My bf spent 6 months playing happy families with the boy, she then got pg herself, and wife decided to come back to England, bf became the partner and wife the 'OW'.

Thankfully bf had a termination (which 4 years later she still isn't over) and left him, but this went on for 7 years!

Yes she knew it was wrong but the picture he painted was one of an evil wife, that was a bad mother and he daren't leave for the sake of the kids.

He is still with his wife, and turns up at my friends work/house every few months, yet claims she is obsessed.

What I mean by this is we only ever have one side of the story, we don't know what horrors HE is telling OW, although it isn't excusable maybe we'd understand more if we did know?

Also, another spin, my dad left my mum for my babysitter when he got her pg. My mum then left Scotland so I didn't see my Da for years, him and the OW got married, and after having my first brother (who has SN, which is apparently what kicked dad into leaving my mum)they went on to have another, she too was with my Dad until he died of cancer a few years ago and is adorable. The reason my dad didnt leave my mum was her illness, he caught her trying to kill me and herself, so was petrified, only leaving when he thought she had got better.

My SIL was the OW for 4 years until his wife found out 2 months ago and he told SIl he needed to fight to get her and their kids back.(he should of thought about that before starting the affair)He went back and carried on lying about how long the affair was .Wot a WANKER he is still lying
My SIL was heartbroken (no sympathy given just listened)

Then a week later my other SIl (OW sister)husband said out of the blue he was leaving her after 20 years of marriage cos he did have someone else.SIL(ow) has now seen the devastion(sp) it has caused.Her sister the kids etc etc.

I would`nt call her a slapper just a very sad person who needs to find a man of her own

That's a really sad story WH. What a bloody life. Men, eh?

I really appreciate hearing everyones stories (especially the other side)....it is very hard for me to think of her with anything but anger and disgust at the moment - but we have children who are half sibs and I have tried so hard to protect my children (mainly my older DD1, DD2 still baby) and hate to think that they will pick up on my anger/bitterness or that any child (hers included) would be damaged by the fallout from H's behaviour
I come from a very dusfunctional family and my parents still hate each other 20+ years down the line which is unpleasant to say the least ...I so don't want that for my DD's ....
Part of trying to understand her I guess, is the hope that she will bear my children no malice unfortunately her past behaviour is not reassuring ...I know I am rambling but as the children get older there will be so many questions that I need to be sure in my head how I can deal with it....
Suffice to say I have plenty of anger directed at H - but am not prepared AT ALL to put my DC in the middle of a battleground I lives in one for far too long and it is bloody horrid

What's in a name?

Life is not black and white. Ideally, everyone should end one relationship before starting another, but life isn't like that a lot of the time, as we are all HUMAN- and that means we have faults.

I'm sorry you have had a rough time, but if you are to move on you need to stop being bitter. Have you thought about counselling?

Women get involved with married men because they are assured, or hope, there is a future. People do divorce- it's a fact! Some people divorce for another person, others divorce when there is no 3rd party involved.

As a fairly new-comer to MN, I do find most posts very castigating and intolerant, when it comes to OW/OM relationships. Whether that is because the posters have no experience of life, or have never felt tempted or whatever, I don't know,but many do see things as very cut and dried and have a very cynical approach to men.

I am not saying you have no right to feel angry- but labelling the OW, is not going to help, nor is understanding her. the sad fact is that your husband made a choice- not the right one for you, but there are 2 people in every relationship- he wouldn't have gone unless he wanted to be there.

I expect to be shouted down, but I just wanted to try to get some calm and perspective into this post.

I am sorry you're having such a tough time.

However its isn't true that the OW is always a slapper. I had an affair with a married man. He had only been married for 18 months when we first started seeing each other. I had only been engaged for a month and thought I was very happy. We met at work and saw each other most days. It was very difficult to stop seeing each other although we both tried for the sake of our other halves.

We have now been together for 8 years and are very happily married with two beautiful boys. We both regret hurting our exes but it turned out that we were meant to be.

And DH isn't a b*tard either. He's the sweetest guy.

Things are very rarely black and white.

HLS has a point.

This thread has become so negative, a melting pot of swear words and hatred. Things are rather black and white on MN and others have commented it in various threads.

I'm so for helping people who have been treated badly be it advice, answers or physical help but just to say all men are whack and all good relationships are adhering to certain rules does not represent reality and people's choices.

I think a line needs to be drawn though, when the OW shows aggression towards the wife or thinks it's all a big joke and plays the game to win, not because she cares about the man. No one deserves to be treated like that and it's not okay.

I agree Alexa- I read your previous post and agreed with it too.

I am speaking from personal experience- i fell for a married man- he told me at the start- whose wife had left him for another man. BUT she came back- and he didn't tell me as quickly as he could have. It was an emotional affair only. I was angry, but at the same time, I knew I was taking a risk with a man who wasn't 100% free- but there were no children involved. Interestingly, when the 3 of us met ( yes, in rather dramatic circumstances- ) she blamed HIM, and said she felt sorry for me, as I'd be duped.

I think it's great for women to support each other here, but I can't go along with the "all men are bastards" approach, or the "all OW are slappers " etc attitude. Life isn't like that sadly.

And Ihate the swearing- it's just crude.