Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

It sounds like he is frustrated and a little bitter that maybe he can’t afford the things he wants e.g a nice holiday. A lot of people work with children. Could you start to look for work now? I’m not sure if that’s possible if the children are very young though.

If I were you I would tell him you think he needs the time and space to reflect on the situation and decide how he wants to move forwards. If the issues are around money etc what does he propose the solution is, given if you went to work you would then have childcare costs.

Then I would go away for the weekend you have spent time planning and leave him at home.

If that’s how he wants to receive your effort for him then that’s on him.

Don’t tell your kids anything about not celebrating his birthday … just let them have a lovely weekend at their grandparents.

Give yourself a break and still go! (I know it won’t be the same and you’ll feel awful but maybe you need the space too)

Money can’t be the driving factor if he is suggesting you should have booked an extravagant weekend break.
Whatever’s going on with him he’s been thoughtless and ungrateful.

I do think men experience a drop in testosterone responsible for the “grumpy man syndrome” but quite often don’t do anything about it and it isn’t as talked about as much as menopause.

I have started to look for work and applied for a few things but it has to fit around my youngest’s nursery hours and that’s proving difficult.

I just don’t know how we get through this. I hate arguments and upset. I don’t want this dragging on for days but I can’t give him the grovelling apology that I know will be what sorts it. He won’t apologise and I’m hurt. I don’t want to just say sorry for an easy life. It’s an awful feeling.

I don’t think I could go away. I would be miserable the whole weekend and he would hang it over my head forever.

He expects me to walk in to a 3 days a week job for £25k a year and it’s not that simple. I do think money is driving his stress - he’s the only earner and we have a lot of financial commitments. I think he thought I was just going to ignore his comments about it being too expensive and just book the expensive trip! And for that I would have caused an argument too. I absolutely could not have won in this situation and I told him so but he just doesn’t see it!

Mid life crisis .. I’d start looking for any work as a matter of urgency as unless he snaps out of this quickly I’m afraid you are doomed. I can understand his frustration that he is not in life where he expected to be and maybe the night away isn’t what he wanted but his reaction is extreme and worrying to be honest .. like a toddler throwing all his toys out of the pram and stomping off in a huff as he didn’t get exactly what he wanted. Keep the plans in place with your family to babysit ..if it can’t be refunded you go on your own

I think it's pretty clear that he resents that you don't work and that the entire financial burden for the family is on him. A consequence of this is not being able to afford to to away for his 40th.
What age is your youngest? Your approach to job hunting doea seem to be a bit lack lustre to be fair , maybe he thinks you're not being serious about really looking for a job? Which might be fair?

I

I apply and search for jobs every day. But with salaries the way they are, there is no point in looking for a minimum wage job that won’t pay for my youngests nursery place (she only gets 15 free hours per week). I also have a daughter in year 6 and again, putting her in wrap around care adds to the daily cost of childcare which means I need a higher paying job.
I have skills and I am applying for near enough anything. I’m not proud. I’ll scrub toilets if it brings in the money but it makes no sense to take a job and still be in no better financial situation.

@Freckles10 in which case I’d give it a couple of days and then try and have a frank discussion with him, because it seems like this weekend debate was a lose / lose situation and whichever way you’d played it would have ended in an argument - that’s not okay and he’s not compromising.

With regards to the money it can be stressful being the sole financial provider and the burden that comes with it, so if you do need to get some part time work you may need to do so and it might not be the ideal job to start with, but that needs to balance with your kids needs because they are the most important thing here.

Im sorry I can’t be more helpful … sometimes relationships just suck and get to a stalemate … it might just be a phase that passes, hang in there xx

I’ve been looking for a while and I’ve applied for a lot of work and had some interviews but not been successful. It has to work around my children and their nursery/school. There’s no point in me going to work full time and then not getting anything out of it because I’m having to pay extra in nursery fees and wrap around care.

I don’t think I can go away. I would hate it and he would just hang it over my head.

his response to things are always very extreme. This isn’t the first thing that’s made me worried about him

I think the point about not being better off working is a short term thing? Even if you break-even now, over time your salary would go up, your childcare costs would go down and your family is in a safer financial position should anything happen to his job?

What about weekend working, is that an option?

Think back over your marriage and courtship. Has he ever acted like this before?

This is such a crappy post. It's SO hard to find work that fits around children of these ages. The only way it is fairly straightforward is if you were or a high earner beforehand with a "career" so never really gave up work beyond a years maternity leave, and were able to afford a nanny or quality full time childcare. Long career breaks to bring up children then trying to move back into a mid range well paid job, which will cover and make a worthwhile profit above childcare, while jockeying for position against all the other women trying to do the same is excruciatingly difficult. Where are all these dream jobs? And if you have a husband who will not or cannot adjust his own working patterns to take on more childcare responsibilities then it's pretty much impossible.

Have a look if you're entitled to a top up with universal credit. You lose nothing by running figures through one of the online benefit calculators.

Even with childcare costs it maybe worth looking at work. Childcare will reduce and earnings potentially increase.

I absolutely have no problem with working! I suggested to him I look for work when my youngest turned 1 and he told me I didn’t need to. But the first time an argument comes up about money he hangs the fact I don’t work over my head. Even tonight he said I didn’t need to go back to work but then on the other hand resents me because we can’t do the things his friends are doing for their 40th.

I have applied for quite a few things but it needs to work around hours for my children. There’s no point in working full time and all my money going on extra nursery days or wrap around care. I am really trying and I’m not proud. I’ll scrub toilets, stack shelves, pack boxes. But it has to work around the kids as he is self employed so I can’t rely on him for childcare. It’s lose/lose as you say.

The thing here is your looking for work to suit the kids, but he has a job only revolving around himself? So he’s put the pressure on you to find something difficult but yet it’s your fault it’s been too tough.

I think it’s super hard for stay at home mums and hard to find a flexible paid job that like you says pays more than minimum

He should be grateful for the things he does have in his life and drop the expectations of not having ‘enough’ money when that’s not entirely your fault, you’ve given him something of more value ie children. He should appreciate what he does have to be honest.

I did the universal credit calculator and we can’t get anything. My husband has a very good salary, we just have a lot of outgoings which are mutually accepted and we cannot change. I’ve applied for quite a few things, I’ve just got to keep applying in the hope I get something.

I’ve had this conversation with him too. And he’s struggling to see the value in what he has and that’s why I am really concerned for his frame of mind. He is a very different person to what he was 2 or 3 years ago. He has said things that I would never have expected him to. He has changed a lot and it’s adding to my concern about him. And unfortunately when you say something, it’s very hard to take it back. I don’t have a shadow of a doubt that he is a wonderful human being. A wonderful husband. He is just going through something and I don’t know whether I need to leave him to work it out himself or try guide him through it. Or whether something as simple as me working would fix it (taking some financial burden from him)

I’d tell him to fuck off, the ungrateful bastard. Sulking is a massive turn off.

Whatever your job situation, he is being unbearable. You did what you agreed, no expensive break. Also if money is tight it's surely much better to plan a holiday together so you both have input and agree the best plan. I see so many posts about surprise holidays/gifts etc going wrong, DH and me enjoy planning outings and holidays together, including for significant birthdays etc.

If you get a job and you have to pay for wrap-around care, that cost will be shared by you and your h - you won't have to pay it alone?

And getting a job now is an investment into your future: you may have to pay for childcare now, but then you could be promoted, your dc won't need childcare, and you will be in a better financial position.

You have to start somewhere!

If you're h is being unreasonable and expecting you to earn 25k and still do everything around the house and look after the dc, do all drop-offs and pick-ups, then he's being an idiot, and that will need a separate conversation.

So you are used to being accused and thennhaving to do a grovelling apology.

The fact that you have this dynamic in your marriage is the problem.

You do realise, don't you, that if you'd somehow managed to organise a surprise trip to Iceland he'd be bitching aboutbthat, too? He wants to have a go at you, and have you distraught and betting for his favour.

Get a job.

Thank you - I did think it was a bit of a harsh post but couldn’t work out if I was being overly sensitive.

I had a very good career 4 years ago and was driven from it by a narcissist and a bully of a boss. I left because I wasn’t the best mum or wife for my family and it was the hardest thing I have done. A few years later we were having our second child so there was no point in looking for work. And the play was for me to always have this time with our youngest before going back to work when she’s in school but then this burden on my husband has added strain as well as additional financial responsibilities. If I had known all this 3 years ago, I may have made other choices. Spent some time retraining but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

“paranoidmumdroid1 · Today 18:24

I think the point about not being better off working is a short term thing? Even if you break-even now, over time your salary would go up, your childcare costs would go down and your family is in a safer financial position should anything happen to his job?”

This. For a few years, I just broke even after returning to work but I regarded it as an investment in my family’s future because I knew our costs would go down and my earnings would go up.