Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

Why is it only your responsibility to organise your work around childcare? If he wants you to be back at work, he needs to pick up some of this too. If he's being this flaky, you should start looking for a decent full time position and he can do 50% of childcare, including costs.

I’m with this. Everyone is making allowances for him but he sounds an absolutely ungrateful toad OP. Not everyone goes abroad for their 40th in fact I don’t know anyone who did and I’m in the “professional” circles. We had one night in London and saw a show for my 40th. It wasn’t expensive and flash.
Also it sounds like he just wants to make you feel bad about yourself by throwing the SAHM thing in your face.

This, too:

“unsync · Today 18:40

Why is it only your responsibility to organise your work around childcare? If he wants you to be back at work, he needs to pick up some of this too. If he's being this flaky, you should start looking for a decent full time position and he can do 50% of childcare, including costs.”

It sounds like he's spoiling for a fight so the time and that you can't do anything right. That sounds really difficult.

He's being completely U and unfair over his birthday weekend -like he would have thought you wrong whatever you did. That's unacceptable.

He needs to use his words and tell you why he's being so angry. You don't deserve that.

I hate to say it but it sounds as though he is orchestrating arguments. Does he even want to stay in the marriage, because it sounds less like financial pressure and a little bit more like wanting out....

He is far from wonderful. It s not on you to sell your clothes to buy him a weekend away
Take the time away with or without him and consider your options

When I went back to work after taking a few years out to have children I was completely clear that it wasn’t just me who had to work it around childcare, he did too. I wasn’t taking the full responsibility for it just because I was a woman. Thankfully he is reasonable and completely agreed.
Your DH seems to want it all. Full freedom to pursue his career without having to bother about childcare, plus a wife who earns enough to take him on fancy holidays for his birthday.

I think he sounds bloody awful and the financial stress he might be under is NO EXCUSE for belittling what you've done in an attempt to celebrate his birthday. Such a shitty way to behave.

I would tell my DH to fuck right off if he dared behave like that. And no more grovelling apologies from you OP - they're not necessary in the slightest.

As another poster said earlier your job requirements are very different from his and I can bet the job you're after is much more sought after than his!

Exactly. Two 6 figure salaries in our house and neither of us went abroad for our 40th birthdays. We both had a lovely night away in the UK. Sounds like he just wants to keep up with his mates.

Exactly this. Unless he's going to make sure he's home every evening or weekend to have the kids so you can work.
No ? Thought not.
Another one saying go away for the weekend on your own.
Prick.

Are you happy?

abd you do realise his responses are emotionally abusive

Put aside whether you can or can't get a job, the issue at hand now is this birthday weekend break.

tell him in plain language how ungrateful he is that you have tried to arrange something nice for him and he is acting like a spoilt brat. remind him that you discussed 'bigger' holidays but both agreed it was not affordable at the moment. Remind him you have booked activities he likes, with friends that he presumably likes. tell him how much effort you have put into this.

He is acting very spoilt and if he wants the big holidays then he will have to get a job earning more and/or help out with the children so that you can get a decent job too.

Ugh! I feel really cross on your behalf.

He is an ass! He has a wife who loves him and has made an effort for his birthday, and he is "don't want it" to make her feel bad.

You're going to have to get a PT job if money is tight and he's throwing being a SAHM back in your face. He clearly isn't happy with the arrangement despite saying otherwise.

My DH has never once mentioned to me about not working once I quit my job.

I knew you’d say he was 40/just over 40 or approaching 40. I honestly think men go through the equivalent of the menopause/ mid life crisis/ depression and have this awful’is this all there is/ all I have’ thing more than women do.

dh and I are/ were having problems (‘I don’t know how I feel about us/ all of this anymore’ was dropped on me after a shit ‘holiday of a lifetime’) and EVERYONE I’ve spoken to said they went through the same. You both need to have a talk and you need to remind him of what you did to plan the holiday (you sold stuff!!!!!). And yes, you need to get a job, because it is terrifying to face the prospect of him deciding he earns the money/ it’s his money etc, when you have nothing. I’m working three days a week now and even aside from things beginning to pick up and him seeming relieved he’s not ‘having sole responsibility for 6 people’, I have a cushion now, should I need it. It’s sad to think like this op- myself and dh were very much a team, but we are two separate people and I think women need to remember this

I think other people are being far too kind to OPs H and the pressure- I have a hunch that a lot of this comes from pressure of commitments on stuff he initiated and wanted - certain kind of car, house of certain size in certain area, and now gets pissed off because it limits other nice options on top of this- am I in the right ballpark OP? Reason I ask this is I am married to someone rather like this, gets very hot headed and tantrums if something isn't affordable - storms off, says 'cancel it' etc - it's not you lovely - it's him !! And I would get back to work asap if you can as at one tantrum too far at some point you might need that job !

And he’s struggling to see the value in what he has

Give him an itemised invoice for the work you do raising his children for a week. If you weren't there, he'd have to stop working or pay for day care and he'd have to do all the bedtimes, baths, dinners, etc.

Men forget so easily that women's work in the home has value.

Oh yuck. You went out of your way to arrange something you thought he would enjoy and went to the trouble of selling things to pay for it.

And he is moaning because you’re not going to Dubai/ Canaries/ wherever his tedious friends are going? Jesus. I would have no time for that at all.

It’s fine. Next year he can arrange his own holiday whilst also paying for more than 50% of childcare (which you are providing free right now at detriment to your career).

That sulky man child behaviour would make me never want to sleep with him ever again.

why are you worrying it’s something you’ve done?

why is he not querying why he doesn’t earn enough to enable the life he aspires to?

so easy to blame and disrespect you. Much harder to look at himself.

I think while you're mulling over next steps. Keep the kids going to grandparents for that weekend on. He will be a nightmare to deal that weekend and you don't want your kids around that.

Let him have the big sulk, make some plans for just yourself so you're out of his way. Stop wibbling at his feet. His work is inflexible for your current childcare needs. It's not always going to be like that. Your contribution to the family isn't small.

If you want to do something, do the mega early cleaning jobs before he goes to work. If that works get another one for evenings when he's home. You can clear a chunk of change like that.

Ultimately, stop being so grateful to him. He's treating you like shit. Tell him to get the fuck over himself.

Yes I think you need to sit down with him and explain that you sold personal items and took money from your mum in order to afford the break that you had planned.

If he wants a more extravagant lifestyle then either he will need get a better paid job or help out with the childcare so that you can get a job.

How old is your youngest? They should be entitled to 30 hours a week from age 3 if you are both working.

The OP working, or not working is still no reason for her husband to piss all over the birthday she has organised for him! Talk about ungrateful and just rude!!

I was a sahm for 10 years and we were SKINT!! So DH always appreciated anything I was able to do, even the year all I could manage was to afford ingredients to bake a giant cookie.

I did go back to work, full time at an assistant level earning £25k. It was hard as we had school wrap around costs but was worth the short term pain until the kids were old enough to walk home.

In Sept your oldest will be in secondary so can walk home alone, and a childminder can pick the youngest up from nursery. But also, my DH did school pick up whenever possible, it has to be a team effort and not all on you.

Getting a job will help financially, but the juggling act could raise a whole bunch of other obstacles which your DH needs to be prepared for.

Also, I would absolutely NOT be sitting down explaining to him why he should be grateful. He isn’t 5. He should get this stuff. The fact he doesn’t… we’ll, it isn’t good. I’m sorry.

I'm sorry op. I read my post back and it did read as really mean,
What I meant really is that your husbands over reaction to this is so extreme that it would lead me to think that it's not about his 40th at all but something else maybe around your general finances. You absolutley do not deserve his horrendous behaviour and to have your thoughtful gesture thrown back in a sulk is unforgivable .

Can you not afford to get a part time job so you have your own money

I think if someone plans and arranges something for a birthday / event in a spirit of goodwill, most people would respect the time and effort involved - even if it wasn’t exactly what they were hoping for. It seems that your DH didn’t accurately express what he wanted or help plan it with you, so you based the preparation on what you thought he’d want. If my DH had planned something for me for my birthday I’d be pleased and grateful - and I know he would be exactly the same visa versa. Even if he’d booked for us to do something that wasn’t my cup of tea, I would value his efforts. Your DH’s treatment of you is very hurtful and devaluing.
The longer term issues of expectations around employment need to be approached from a position that you are a team and want the best for each other, the best for your marriage. That discussion should be framed around what you both want your shared future to look like - and needs to be neutral, without resentment. If he is not able to have that discussion without negative or accusatory emotions - would he be open to marriage counselling or a third party facilitating it? You have been bringing up children which is far more intense than a full time job and he should absolutely recognise that.
I think one of the basics of a good marriage is respect for one another. You have tried to do something nice and he has responded with anger. The situation about employment still doesn’t entitle him to treat you with disrespect.
I think I would say to him calmly that rather than cancelling you will be going on your own or with a friend and the babysitting can be kept in place. You can then explain that when you return you’ll be happy to talk about what he wants to do for his birthday and have a reasonable discussion about the future. I know it’s easier said than done - but this doesn’t sound like a good situation to be in at all.