Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

@Freckles10

i don’t know your husband and I never will, the only information I have is from you. And you I think aren’t even telling us all of it because some of it you don’t want to admit to yourself.

but the bits you have said paint a picture of a selfish man who makes decisions then expects yiur to deal with it, whose response if you don’t get it right are abusive and controlling and made you feel awful.

nowhere do you show a wonderful man or husband which is incredibly telling because you aren’t not trying to do that

and now your parents and sister don’t like him and frankly I can see why

Your husband is a cunt and you are being far too nice to him.

He doesn't deserve you. I would stop asking him if he wants to separate and say that YOU want to.

He is clearly miserable and resents having to be a husband and father. You deserve better than a life with a man who grudgingly stays with you for the children.

Once you have to hide a partners behaviour from family so they don't hate him it's game over. They would hate him for a very very valid reason if they knew

You're looking after the family and this is his reaction?! I'm going to be honest here, and say that its sounds like he's half way out the door and he's pinning the whole blame onto you. It's cruel and I suspect designed to have you second guessing yourself.

I would start gaining some financial independence (and not for his benefit) because you may need it.

Absolutely not defending him at all, but he is clearly very unhappy and worried.

OP says he isn’t abusive and this is generally out of character. Taking her at her word and not jumping to affair, the other option screaming at me is that he feels trapped in a situation that he can’t change (if she gets a job but all the money goes on childcare they are still no better off financially), he is genuinely worried about money and doing a really hurtful and hideous job of communicating this to his wife. Possibly because he feels there’s no solution and he’s panicking.

The weekend away is very clearly a red herring, but if he won’t communicate it’s hard to tell what he’s actually worried about. I would put money on it being school fees related at least in part though if child is at private school - there will be another huge fee jump in Sept when she goes to seniors and if he’s the one managing the finances I would imagine he’s worrying about that too.

This is grim reading. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
However, I've tried reading again and can't see if you are looking at evening and weekend work? What objections does HE have about that?

Have you considered becoming a Registered Childminder? Work from home, pick your hours, pick your holidays, pay your own NI. I've never heard of an unemployed CM. I became one when I couldn't find paid work outside the home, and earned my living for 7 years. . It paid for everything from my phone to the rent. I am single.

What about local schools? I did Breakfast Club supervisor along with Midday Supervisor while my dd was young. Perhaps your local has an after school club too. That kept up my NI and pension too.

You've done the best you can with limited finances, and chosen things you thought he would like, and now he's throwing teddy out of the pram because the trip isn't what he'd imagined.

I'd be telling him that since you have neither a crystal ball nor a money tree, he needs to stop being such an ungrateful bastard.

There are a lot of assumptions in there. But if all of your assumptions are true, then he needs to articulate that. Not have a tantrum about not being spoilt enough on his birthday. He’s an adult.

What. He expected a trip abroad but said you couldn't afford one?

For fuck sake. You sold stuff on vinted to save money for this! Absolute ungrateful twat.

I'm sorry that's just not on. Honestly? If I was you I would still go away with his best friend and the wife!

Although that will probably cause more harm than good.

I would explain how hurt you are as you've made a lot of effort. After that, just do as he wishes. Do nothing for his birthday.

She said she can’t do weekend work because he won’t look after the kids and take them to their activities.

It sounds like he'd like to end the marriage but can't because he's "trapped" and "stuck" because of the children (his words).

If that's true then you getting a job isn't going to change anything unless he thinks it would be easier for him to leave if you had an income?

His petulant behaviour towards your thoughtful birthday plans is shameful and doesn't bode well for the future. I'm sorry to say that as you're clearly very hurt. Perhaps you could ask him what would make him feel untrapped and unstuck. Ask him would he leave if he could?

I don’t know why but felt really hurt reading this. Feels like everything the OP does is not enough. Feels like emotional abuse at some level.
OP, sorry you are going through this. What you planned for him sounds great and he should show more gratitude.
I guess I felt triggered because I had been through similar situations with my ex and can feel how stressful, disappointing, difficult it is and on how difficult position he brings you on.

Which parts of running the home would he like to take over? Taking daughters to school and nursery and doing pickups? Getting their breakfasts and getting LO dressed? Preparing the weeks food and planning food and shopping? Washing/ironing/cleaning? Bathing the LO and putting her to bed? Reading stories? How much does he play with the children?
I think you should list all of this and ask what he will take over if you get a job. He suggests he wouldn't leave because of the children but I suspect he also wouldn't leave because you organise his life and make it possible for him to do the work that brings in the money. This is a partnership. Without you he would struggle but he isn't prepared to admit that.

More than you need a job, you need to insist on full visibility of your family’s finances, urgently.

Then you will know whether you’re actually in financial difficulties and he’s trying to hide it from you, and the pressure of this is causing this behaviour, or whether he really is just a total arse.

You also need a job, for the reasons I said before, to protect yourself financially. But either way, for your own peace of mind I think you need to get to the bottom of whether this is part of ‘the script’ and he’s just trying to force your hand into ending the marriage/justifying him ending it or whether this is someone genuinely under serious financial strain trying to provide for an expensive lifestyle on a single salary.

We will be as of september

Your husband sounds horrible, childish and manipulative.

Im a sahm and my dh has never in 20 years made me feel bad for being a sahm, he's nothing but supportive.

I think you have problems in your marriage that you're burying your head in the sand about that don't have anything to do with you needing to get a job. I'd be suspicious about what exactly is going on with him, sounds like he is enjoying making you upset over any ridiculous excuse and having you question yourself. He sounds like the kind of man who invents reasons to be annoyed.

Id be absolutely livid and telling him what an ungrateful bastard he is, not running around trying to reorganise everything becuase he's "upset".

And I'd go ahead with the weekend away, a break away from him would probably do you good.

I mean this with kindness, but if you can’t afford a weekend away abroad when not paying school fees, how will you afford the fees?

I think he's frustrated with the situation he's found himself in.

He works hard and wants to enjoy his money but is also supporting his wife and children, so his money isn't just "his".

On one hand, he probably does like you being at home with the children, but also has frustrations with you not contributing financially to the family. Maybe he doesn't want to be that guy would tells his wife to get a job. Those frustrations seem to be predominant at the moment.

If I were you, I'd get a job. It will help your relationship, or if your relationship if beyond repair, it will give you financial security on your own.

Could he be having an affair?

This. So much this. Mentioning him thinking that YOU want to have an affair... he's thinking of this himself. Otherwise it wouldn't even cross his mind.

People really need to get over this concept that milestone birthdays need an extravagent celebration! It’s fine to live within your means and enjoy the day with the people you love, and be grateful for what you have. Cancel as that’s what he says he wants; tell people the truth! Let the day come and go, get him a gift, a card, a cake and don’t let his projections upset you.

she has a place and is starting in September

Thanks @PigInAHouse I somehow missed that. Why am I not surprised he says "Won't".

I hate to say it, but 40s is a prime time for divorce. So many people I know who met in their 20s, divorced in their 40s. I think it's just the point at which people start re-evaluating their life and the decisions that that they've made in the past.

Not saying that you're going to split, but I think you should be prepared for it. This may mean upskilling and making sure that you're ready for the workplace.

Having a job is about more than just take home pay. You should ideally be in a position where there's room to upskill and climb the ladder. You need to think about pension etc as well.

I onl read your opening post OP but his comments about other people’s big birthdays really struck me. He is very unrealistic. Not all people do fancy trips for big birthdays. Neither DH nor I did anything apart from a dinner at the restaurant because we were saving for a deposit. You either have money or don’t. If you don’t have enough money it’s a fact and any sort of emotional tantrums won’t help.
My DH would be mortified if I was selling stuff to organise his birthday weekend. Your DH will be 40, not 4. Where did he expect you to magic out money for Iceland from?

We can’t afford the trips because all our extra money is going on saving for the fees. We break even every month so basically our extras money for holidays and trips is being put in to savings for fees. My working would mean we could do those extra things again.