Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

I’ve said this to him a lot recently.. I’ve said he clearly isn’t happy in this relationship and if he wants to separate then we should. He says he would never do that because of our girls. That he is “trapped” and “stuck”. But because he wouldn’t leave me or instigate our separation,. I’m always the one who brings it up because I don’t want to be in a relationship if we aren’t happy. But because I’m the one who brings it up, he said tonight he thinks I either want a divorce or to have an affair.

what I want is a happy husband but nothing I seem to do seems to make him happy. I don’t want a separation but I want a happy dad for our children and a healthy relationship whether we are together or not.

He's a knob, you deserve better.

Is there a possibility he could be depressed maybe ?

When he is happy, I am very happy. But recently he hasn’t been and that’s been really hard.

I don’t think he is abusive at all.

But because I’m the one who brings it up, he said tonight he thinks I either want a divorce or to have an affair.

That would make me extremely unsettled - people often accuse others of what they’re thinking about especially when it is out of the blue and bears no resemblance to your behaviour.

Id wonder if he’s had his head turned and is now bemoaning being a married man with responsibilities, coupled with turning forty and financial pressures - and he’s taking it all out on you and blaming you for his unhappiness (and being horribly rude and cruel regarding the gift you took time to arrange) rather than examining his angst and being honest about it.

Sorry you’re experiencing this.

He’s made the career and income too much of his identity. He wants to be in a position to support the whole family and do luxury things. So a serious conversation about money, budgeting, or even about you returning to work is threatening to his ego. Any serious conversation has to acknowledge that his big job doesn’t support the lifestyle he thinks it should, there are still constraints. That makes him feel ashamed, which he refuses to process and instead lashes out at you.

It sounds like you’re financially in a fine position, it’s just his ego that’s the issue. There is most likely nothing you can do to fix this situation. I doubt he’d agree to reducing your main outings, and he doesn’t like compromising on luxuries. Even if you got a perfect job and brought in loads of money he would probably still feel the shame that he wasn’t “enough” for whatever he’s internally decided he should have been able to provide. That could come out in belittling your work or salary, being inflexible, upping his complaints about domestic stuff etc.. It is important for your sanity that you recognise this. There is no correct action you can take to relieve him of this crisis. So figure out what’s right for you. That might involve taking work now that only just covers the childcare. It might involve looking to retrain. It might be staying home and holding firm on the line that these are an expensive few years but that’s what you both agreed and likely it will ease up soon. Do it for you, in any case.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UUjtrO70EXk&t=154s

Your happiness should never depend on someone else’s happiness - and he certainly shouldn’t be placing his happiness on yours

the fact you think that is incredibly codependent and unhealthy

so you think acting like this, putting it all on you making you fix it etc is a normal and healthy approach and relationship and environment for your children

Gosh. He will calm down and go away overnight or he will be Victor Mildrew...his choice .

People's perception of you is a reflection of them.

He's clearly sad and entitled and only he can change it.

Just say when your toys are back in the pram and you can apologise, whose driving me or you .

He’s said tonight that he feels like a glorified wallet. That this was the opportunity to show him how much I care and his is disappointed. That I’m happy to spend his money on myself but not on him (all very unreasonable comments)

yes to all of what you’ve said but that’s my opinion. He would tell you there is a valid reason for every one and he would probably be able to give you examples.

@Freckles10 ol if it isn’t abusive then you both have certainly got into some unhealthy and toxic patterns that you alone cannot fix. You cannot be responsible for making him happy, you cannot find this for him alone.

facing up to the fact that life is just this living every day with some better than others is hard

He’s behaved horribly. That’s really upsetting and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Assuming - generously - he’s not just a massive toddler having an (abusive) tantrum…..
Would he consider relationship counselling? Or going to his GP for help? (Getting a job could also be your contribution to positively changing circumstances
Maybe he needs to know that if he doesn’t make any effort to change how he’s feeling, the relationship is not sustainable. Ultimately you can’t fix him being in a funk. He has to want to change too.

This OP. Your job only needs to cover half of the childcare bill to be profitable - your DH covers the other half.

It doesn't need to "cancel out" the full childcare cost to be financially worthwhile as all the other benefits - pension, financial independence, time at work etc - will make working worthwhile compared to not.

Reading between the lines - it sounds like DH resents you for not bringing in any money,despite what he says to you when you ask.

I think you need to have a frank conversation about it.

If you go back to work he needs to do half of childcare and half of nursery pick ups, drop offs etc.

You don't need a fully flexible job - because these things should be shared between the two of you equally. I can't believe we're still having to say this in 2025 tbh.

Also - random, but there's another popular post at the moment talking about her son who earns 40k as a starting salary as a mechanic. Would you consider training and going into one of the trades? You'd make decent money quite quickly after training - and you could also later become self employed which would give you a lot of flexibility for childcare pick ups/drop offs etc

He isn’t materialistic. He enjoys his technology but he knows his limits. We both have second hand cars, our house is lovely and ee are hoping to extend but we aren’t willing to spend the world on it.. our biggest outgoings our daughters activities and her education and no one can put someone down for wanting the world for their child.

OP why does your job need to fit around childcare and his doesn’t?

You don't need his permission to leave.

He is doing the wrong thing by staying for the girls but you do know that's not what is happening here, don't you?

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think
Another one who has taken on board the Tate-style attitude. He doesn't want your relationship anymore. You can hang on a bit longer if you provide him with things that he wants.
I'm 67. I couldn't be arsed. He'd have to go. You go away for his weekend with those friends. Leave him to enjoy himself any way he can.

Sounds like a spoiled man child to me and her is behaving terribly. Are all his friends single by any chance op? Sounds to me that he wants out of the relationship if I'm honest

Have you looked at cleaning jobs, I have a friend who does this and they work around school hours. I also used to work at a smaller Asda store and they were very flexible.

You need to get a job even if you are no better off at all after childcare, because your marriage is not in a good way. You need to be adding to your pension pot and able to support yourself should you split. Mentally, he can’t hold it over you if you’re also contributing, even if the net family take home
doesn't improve, because you’re not vulnerable any more.

If you do split, you’ll get UC towards childcare costs and be considerably better off than if you split up when you’re not working.

Plan for the worst case scenario now, for the sake of both you and your children.

My money is on an affair. He's setting up the excuse to leave.

@Freckles10 yiu are paying for private education is that right?

@EnjoythemoneyJane exactly that - I suspect a lot of this pressure is because he has very high expectations- and even earning very good money it only goes so far if your expectations are correspondingly high !! Yes OP working makes sense but often requires the partner to 'step up' and sone men simply won't/dont - they want the income without any more effort on their part

He's behaving really badly. Ungrateful, ignoring all the effort you've put in, and then putting you in the position of being embarrassed having to cancel everything. You both agreed no big holiday, so he's making you the bad guy when you've put in effort to do something nice. Completely unacceptable. I think there is nothing you can do, because in his mind set, whatever you do is wrong even if he agrees with it to begin with.

I'd be getting a job, any job, for any hours just to start the process. I know it's incredibly hard with kids. Maybe he needs to share the load of childcare so you can work. I'm sure he'll say no...much better to leave you stuck with him being the martyr working. Once you're in the doom cycle of you can do no right...it's difficult to fix.

Do you have your year 6 child in a private school by any chance? If so, the increasing fees and VAT could be genuinely tipping him over the edge mentally in terms of financial worries.